On the hardest job of all: 'waiting' without an answer
'Just waiting around doing nothing'
Do you ever have nights where you feel consumed by anxiety,
feeling as though that is how those around you see you,
or perhaps because you have decided that is the case yourself?
Time spent waiting for an illness to recover.
Time spent waiting for the results of an application.
Or, time spent waiting for an answer
about what will happen to your life from here on out.
Spending time in this 'uncertain void'
is actually more energy-consuming than any labor,
and is the 'hardest job' that wears down your spirit.
Today,
to you who feels like you are in a tunnel with no exit,
let me talk about the true nature of that time spent 'waiting'.
1. The job of 'maintaining yourself,' not 'doing nothing'
When I look back at the records of my workers' compensation application, the hardest part for me at the time
was not the pain of the illness itself.
'Even if I submit the documents, the results won't come immediately.'
'I don't know how far along the process is.'
'Even if I have questions, I don't know who to ask.'
As such opaque circumstances continued for months,
I spent my time in a state where I could 'only wait'.
From the outside,
it might have looked like I was just sitting, just lying down,
just 'waiting.'
But,
inside, I was working a grueling 24-hour job
to avoid being swallowed by the anxiety attacking me, desperately performing the grueling 24-hour job of 'maintaining myself'.
Fighting the fear of 'what will happen next'
and trusting yourself while you wait is the most difficult task of all.
If you are currently spending your time 'waiting' in the same way,
first, tell yourself this.
'I am currently in the middle of accomplishing an incredibly massive job: "maintaining myself."'
2. You are fighting where no one can see
Why is 'waiting' so incredibly hard?
It is because this job has no visible 'end'.
The income that stopped because you cannot work,
the anxiety over insurance premiums, hospital bills, and gas money deducted every month.
While carrying these realistic burdens,
watching people outside the window living their normal lives,
the days spent gritting your teeth and asking, 'Why me?'
You have continued this lonely battle without a single day of rest until today,
without anyone to praise you.
Your kindness in swallowing your own cry for help
out of a desire to understand others, and the pride you held while enduring the humiliation of feeling that even a few hundred yen for parking was a heavy burden,
are all the results of the effort you have poured into 'surviving' until today.
3. A preparation period for a 'new step,' not for 'returning to normal'
We tend to perceive
'waiting' as a 'stagnant period for returning to our original life.'
We push ourselves, thinking we must return to normal quickly, that we must be able to move as we did before.
But perhaps the true reward for the job of 'waiting'
is not 'returning to normal,' but meeting a 'new self.'
The version of me in my records used to be impatient, thinking, 'I have to get back to normal as soon as possible.'
However, at some point, I changed my mindset: 'Instead of aiming to be the way I was, I will look for what I can do as I am now.'
Acknowledging my weaknesses and being able to accept help from family and those around me—realizing it is not a sign of defeat. Becoming sensitive to the pain of others and being a little kinder to myself. These are all things I was able to gain precisely because I saw that painful job of 'waiting' through to the end.
Thank you for your hard work today.
If you are currently in the midst of anxiety without an answer,
please believe just this one thing.
Even if it looks like you are standing still, you have successfully completed the job of
'maintaining yourself' today.
Even if it is invisible, that means you are definitely moving forward.
You don't need to rush.
You don't need to push yourself.
Tonight, please take a moment to gently look at your hands that worked so hard.
Every single line on your palm is proof that you have been living with all your might
in a place where no one else could see.
Relax those hands and please get some rest tonight.
You have already done that 'job' enough.
'It's okay to be just as you are right now.'
May you drift into a quiet sleep while saying that to yourself.
The strength to endure situations where no answer is found is called 'negative capability.' I will soon share how to use this power in daily life to ease anxiety about an uncertain future.
I will also share how to apply it in combination with 'your current state' as read from palmistry.
🌿Related Articles
・The reason I felt more lonely after the cast came off
（https://note.com/iyohibi/n/n8bebd7cdcc98）
・The story of how my breathing became easier when I stopped aiming to be 'back to normal'
（https://note.com/iyohibi/n/nf57e93b22b75）
・Days when I think, 'Why me?'
（https://note.com/iyohibi/n/n2f4f98d04db0）
・Words that hurt to hear when I was struggling
（https://note.com/iyohibi/n/n39dae33af0c2）
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