It's my 100th day of daily posting, and I've finally reached the moment

The time may have come to say these words.

......I can't write a note!!!!!!!!

To begin with, what does it mean to "write"!?
What was "being able to write" again!?

It's been over two weeks since I entered a depressive phase, and I've been managing somehow (?), but I've finally hit a wall where I "can't write an article I'm satisfied with." (I have bipolar disorder.)

No, I talk about it proudly in my paid magazine, "The Lab for Writing for a Lifetime."
That writing a note isn't everything there is to "writing." That even a day where I could only write one line of notes is an important part of a life "spent writing."

But note is...
You can only write on note by writing a note...

I have things I want to write about.
I have what you might call "material" ready.

In other words, it won't turn into words, or I can't move my hands to put it into words.

I could just say it's because of my depressive phase, but I managed to get through the depressive phase in March by spinning something out for about a month.

▼ I made a magazine like this and wrote about things I liked

No, I can't even write in my "Goodnight Magazine" right now. It's too free.

My note has various series and serials, but I can probably write better when the theme is decided.

↑ You're not writing, are you.

↑ That's true......

So, I tried thinking about why I can't write.

Well, there is the depressive phase.
My head won't work, and my body and hands won't move either.

When that happens, it's not just the ability to write notes that suffers; my sensitivity to daily life drops, and I lack the energy to have new experiences, so naturally, I run out of topics.

Next, there's the lack of time.
During depressive episodes... oh, talking about depressive episodes again... sorry about that... during these times, my actions slow down, and time just slips away in the blink of an eye.

Then, I start putting the brakes on myself, thinking, 'I only have so many minutes left. I can't focus in this amount of time.' I'm the type who likes to write with full focus. (During manic episodes, I'll write even if I only have three minutes of spare time, if I feel like it.)

Lastly, I think my perfectionism has become too strong.
The fact that I couldn't even write the 'Goodnight Magazine' I mentioned earlier proves it.

I could write about anything, but I keep thinking, 'I want to write a proper article.'
What even is a 'proper article' anyway?

Well, for topics I've been mulling over, I do want to write them properly. I plan to post them at about 80% completion, but I certainly don't want to post them at 40%.

But, you know, I could just write about things I haven't been mulling over at all, things I just thought of right now, couldn't I?

In short, the desire to 'write what I want to write properly' is acting as a brake.

So, for me, with my manic-depressive cycles, to keep writing after the 101st day, while I can't do much about my physical and mental energy, it seems I need to 'not be proper'.

In other words, my goal after the 101st day is to 'not be proper once in a while'.

Will I be in a manic phase or a depressive phase on my 200th day? I'm personally looking forward to it. I hope I don't suffer from the same things as much~.

I hope this loose guideline of 'not being proper once in a while' is helpful to anyone who has suddenly hit a wall where they 'can't write'.

#33DayWritingChallenge