I am tired of fighting death, so I have decided to view death as a landscape and live

I have entered a depressive phase.

In my recent depressive phases, I have not had strong suicidal ideation.

Also, the fear of death that has plagued me for the past few years—the worry of 'what if I die by some accident'—has faded.

It is a relief.
It is a relief, but precisely because the fear has faded, I have re-recognized the danger of being suddenly pulled toward death.

At first, I thought I would 'fight'.
I thought I would resist by 'writing'.

Or rather, I have probably been doing that all along.
I try to be careful not to show too aggressive a side on note or X.

But somewhere in my heart, I am still walking through a wilderness.

But I am tired of fighting now.
So I searched for a way to live with 'death' in a different form.

Perhaps for me, 'death' is something that is right beside me.
If you are alive, you will die someday.

If so, I might be able to 'view' it while thinking, 'I will go there someday, but not now'.

To do that, I want to liken 'death' to a place.
Just as 'heaven' might be a 'field of flowers' for someone else.

I will live while viewing it.

So, what kind of place is 'death' for me?
I imagined it like this.

The landscape of 'death' for me is,
closer to natural objects than man-made ones.

But since a 'field of flowers' is a landscape I often see in fiction, it feels too much like a borrowed image.

When I am alive, I am swayed by the waves of bipolar disorder, so the 'sea' is, if anything, closer to 'life'.

A cliff is a bit too scary.

As a result of thinking about it that way, the landscape of 'death' for me became 'a meadow on the other side of a river'.

The place where I am living and walking is a wilderness, so the river is what separates the 'life' of the wilderness from the 'death' of the meadow.

That river is also the 'flow of time'.
I know that if I keep walking along it, I will eventually reach the sea (the waves), but I continue to walk.

When I reach the sea (the waves), I will board a boat.
Sometimes I am in a manic state, and sometimes I am in a depressive state.
When I am being tossed by violent waves like the sea, I cannot see 'death (the meadow)' or 'the flow of time (the river)'.

When I reach land, I will start walking through the wilderness again while gazing at the meadow.

I think I did a pretty good job, didn't I?
By depicting this scenery, I learned that the wilderness also has four seasons, days, and nights.

I can only draw the map for the places I have walked, but based on the records, I can make predictions like 'next time, around this time, I might reach this kind of sea'.
That might be similar to reading the stars.

Right now, I am in a depressive phase, but I managed to reach the shore. (Realistically, this is the level where I can go out.)

Even today, the wind is blowing across the meadow, but I will continue to live by walking through the wilderness while gazing at it.

#MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #BipolarII #ManicDepressive #MentalIllness