Day 05 Forgiveness | The End of the Punishment That Made Me Mistake Eternity

Is mental illness a punishment?
There was a time when I thought so.

In the despair of living my whole life in this body, I somehow understood the cause of my bipolar disorder.

Overworking my body at my job.
Mental stress.
Sleep disorders. Secondary disabilities from developmental disorders.
Violence from my upbringing and past lovers.

Is mental illness a punishment for someone who worked like this,
for someone who couldn't ask for help,
for someone who couldn't say no,
for someone who couldn't seek the option to rest?

Is it a punishment?

Actually, I couldn't accept it unless I thought it was.
Because if I wondered why I had to be cursed, I would end up cursing someone else.

But it was surely me who was cursing myself and punishing myself. I could never forgive myself for feeling 'painful,' 'sad,' 'hard,' or 'I want help.'

I thought I wouldn't be forgiven unless I worked until I collapsed.

By whom?

I am an adult now.
I can live with my own responsibility.
So, on my own responsibility, I can finally forgive myself.

I can sleep when I want to sleep.
I can rest when I want to rest.
I can do the work I want to do.
I can wish to be happy.

Even if mental illness is a punishment for me to avoid cursing others, I can forgive myself over and over again from now on.

I am participating in Rin Kiki's project!

#noteDeNoelLetter