Why I, with 10 Years of Investment Experience, Couldn't Talk to My Child About Money
Series: "Money Education for Children by Age" (5 Parts Total) / Part 1
-----
Last autumn, a single remark from my 10-year-old son still haunts me.
"Dad, why do you always tell me to save money? Aren't you rich?"
After dinner, in the living room with the TV off, my son said that while tossing his school bag aside.
At that moment, I had no words to reply.
I have 10 years of investment experience. I have built up a decent amount of financial assets. I also hold a psychology qualification. I have enough knowledge about the relationship between money and the mind to talk to others about it.
And yet.
I was completely speechless at a single remark from my 10-year-old son.
-----
I thought, "I don't need to talk about money"
I'll be honest.
For a long time, I unconsciously avoided talking to my children about money.
When I asked myself why, the first thing that came to mind was, "It's too early." But that was a superficial answer. When I explored deeper, these feelings emerged.
Would talking about money destroy my child's dreams or innocence?
And even deeper than that—
Talking about money creates anxiety and conflict.
This was a feeling imprinted on me when I was a child.
-----
My parents' arguments created my "money memories"
When I was in the third grade of elementary school, I woke up in the middle of the night.
I could hear my parents' voices from the other side of the sliding door. It wasn't an argument. But in the hushed, tense atmosphere, words like "loan," "withdrawal," and "not enough" drifted into my ears.
Under the covers, I held my breath and stayed still.
When talk of money is heard, something bad happens.
The memory of that night was deeply etched into my subconscious.
In psychology, unconscious assumptions about money formed in childhood are called "money scripts." It is a concept proposed by American psychologist Brad Klontz, which, simply put, is a "mental script regarding money."
"You must not talk about money."
"Thinking about money makes you anxious."
"Money is the root of conflict."
These scripts are absorbed by children as they observe their parents' words, actions, and the atmosphere of the home. What is scary is that they continue to operate even after the person becomes an adult, without them even realizing it.
That night, when my son asked, "Why do you tell me to save?"—I realized the script within me.
I might have been trying to pass the same script on to my son.
-----
A story from when I was exhausted trying to reach FIRE
In my early 30s, I was seriously aiming for FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early).
I managed my monthly expenses in detail, cut down on eating out, and repeatedly asked my wife, "Can't we save a little more?" I couldn't sleep whenever I had unrealized losses in my investments, and my stomach would ache when the market went down.
The numbers were steadily increasing. But my life was slowly wearing away.
Every time my son said, "Buy me ice cream," I would reflexively answer, "Not today." I rarely explained why. While I said, "Because we have to save," the truth was that I was scared to think about money, so I didn't want to face it deeply.
One day, my son, who was 7 at the time, said, "Dad, you always say you don't have money."
Our family's financial assets had already exceeded several tens of millions of yen at that time.
In my son's eyes, I was "a dad who always has no money and looks anxious."
With those words, I felt like I heard something crumbling.
-----
The night my 6-year-old son brought his wallet
A little while after that, my 6-year-old second son brought a small wallet into the living room.
"Dad, count this."
When I opened it, there were two 1,000-yen bills that seemed to be the remainder of his New Year's money, and a few 50-yen and 10-yen coins he might have received somewhere. When I spread it all out, he looked up at me with sparkling eyes.
"How much is it all together?"
While counting together, I stared at his face.
In my second son's eyes, there wasn't a shred of anxiety. No fear, no tension. He was just purely seeing the round, shiny things in front of him as "fun things."
He was looking at money with eyes that hadn't been tainted by anything yet.
When I told him, "It's 2,260 yen in total," he immediately asked, "Then how many ice creams can I buy?" When I answered, "If it's 130-yen ice cream, you can buy 17," he jumped up and said, "Wow!!"
At that moment, I realized quietly.
Talking about money can be this much fun.
According to psychological research, a child's emotional attitude toward money is largely determined by around the age of 8 (Klontz & Klontz, 2009). Whether it is linked to "scary things," "dirty things," "fun things," or "exciting things"—the experiences during this period, as well as the parents' words and expressions, greatly influence it.
It's not too late for my second son. And for my eldest son, it's not too late either.
When I thought that, I decided to write this series.
-----
The true purpose of money education is not "numbers"
A little while ago, when I thought of money education for children, I had this image.
Making them keep a pocket money ledger. Teaching them the importance of saving. Explaining how investments work.
But now, I think that is a superficial story.
Before numbers and knowledge, there is something that needs to be nurtured.
That is the "mental foundation" to face money.
I have learned something after continuing to invest for over 10 years. Almost all failures with money are not problems of information, but problems of the heart.
"I panicked because everyone else was buying (conformity bias)."
"I didn't want to admit a loss, so I kept it frozen for a long time (loss aversion)."
"I deliberately made disadvantageous choices as if to punish myself (self-sabotage)."
Even adults have their financial judgments distorted by emotions. Children are moved by emotions even more directly.
Therefore, what should be nurtured in childhood is "a heart that can face money with peace of mind."
The ability to wait a little even if there is something you want.
The ability to think about how to use it yourself.
The ability to recover and say, "I'll do this next time," even if you fail.
The peace of mind of knowing that your value doesn't change even if you don't have money.
These are all not about numbers. They are about emotions and psychology.
-----
Walking together in this series
|Part |Target Age |Theme |Psychology Keyword |
|-------|------|--------------|-------------|
|Part 1 (This time)|All ages |Why money education now? |Money Scripts/Emotional Memory|
|Part 2 |3-5 years old |Knowing "What is money?" through experience|Concrete Operation/Sensory Memory |
|Part 3 |6-8 years old |Pocket money and "small failures" |Sense of Self-Determination/Delayed Gratification |
|Part 4 |9-11 years old |Nurturing budget and "ability to choose" |Comparative Thinking/Metacognition |
|Part 5 |12-15 years old|Working, earning, and knowing yourself |Identity/Values |
You can read from the part you are interested in according to the age. However, why that approach is necessary for that age—the psychological background is summarized in this Part 1. I want you to come back when you are worried.
-----
First, one thing I want you to do tonight
You don't have to do anything difficult.
Tonight, while eating dinner with your child, please try asking this.
"How much do you think today's dinner cost in total?"
The goal is not to teach the correct answer. When you ask, "How much do you think?", what kind of face does your child make? What kind of words come out? That will tell you their current "distance from money."
And above all, that single remark will convey that "this is a house where it's okay to talk about money."
That alone is enough.
-----
Next time preview
🌱
Part 2: 3-5 years old "How to have the first encounter with money that isn't 'scary'"
"No, it's expensive!"—this remark can sometimes nurture a child's fear of money. The brain in early childhood cannot yet process abstract concepts. That is precisely why there is a way of interacting necessary for this period. I will deliver an approach suitable for 3-5 year olds while including actual interactions with my second son.
-----
Thank you for reading until the end.
"That was the case for us too," "I have had this experience"—such voices are my greatest encouragement. Please let me hear them in the comments section 🙌
-----
Tags: #Parenting #MoneyEducation #Psychology #MoneyScripts #FinancialLiteracy #PocketMoney #FIRE #Investment #LifeWithChildren #note