My heart had not been healed.
In response to my wedding anniversary congratulatory email to my father, I received an email saying, "I hope we can both stay healthy and meet up sometime." Words that would normally be insignificant now feel like pressure. I reacted to the phrase "meet up."
Every time an email arrives, my heart skips a beat. I feel tense. What is he going to say? Sometimes I even feel afraid to look at his replies to my own emails.
My father is a perfectionist.
I grew up being told by my father that "it's expected that you can do what you've been taught," and I have almost no memories of being praised since childhood. Whenever I failed, made a mistake, or didn't understand something, I was asked,
"Why couldn't you do it?"
"Why did you make a mistake?"
"Why don't you understand?"
I was constantly being blamed with "why."
Even when I had done about 80% right, it felt like everything was being denied.
I thought I would be praised if I showed him a test with a perfect score, but I wasn't.
I wanted to hear words like "That's amazing, you worked hard," but instead, he replied, "You don't need to show me a perfect test; bring me the ones you got wrong." Because it was expected that I could do it, there was no need to look at it.
"What do I have to do to be praised?"
Time passed without finding an answer, and later, the perfectionist version of me was formed.
This perfectionism tormented me after I entered the workforce. I kept blaming myself with the words my father had said: "Why did you make a mistake? Why couldn't you do it? Why didn't you understand?" At some point, I came to recognize that making mistakes, failing, or not understanding were shameful things.
I think I kept working hard because I wanted to be recognized, to be a person who could say, "I am doing things properly."
Two and a half years ago, the situation at my workplace changed drastically, and I quit, thinking, "Do I still have to keep working this hard? If I continue like this, my heart will break."
I intended to spend some time doing nothing and relaxing. However, the feeling that my father might say something emerged, so I worked hard to get certifications and took online courses, but in the end, I tried too hard to prove I was "doing things properly" and ended up having to take a break. My heart was about to break again.
It seems that this email brought out feelings I had been suppressing for a long time.
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to see you for a while.
You wouldn't accept me as I am now, doing nothing, would you? You wouldn't acknowledge me, right? I realized that I had been trying too hard because I wanted to be acknowledged. If I act to put my parents at ease, it's no longer for my own sake. I will move at my own pace. I don't want to suffer anymore."
Since I couldn't say it to my father, I poured my feelings out to my mother.
Tears welled up, and I cried a lot.
I was able to accept that I had really been struggling. Because of this incident, it became clear that I hadn't found mental relief.
Perhaps encountering Healing Art Therapy was inevitable.
Since participating in the trial session, I draw whenever I feel like it. I found it fun and interesting. "I'd be happy if people could see my art. Even without artistic talent, I was able to draw something like this." I realized something after uploading the images. My desire for self-approval has become strong. I intend to upload the finished art until I am satisfied.
This was my first note. Thank you for staying with me until the end. I am who I am, but I hope we can continue to get along.
I am grateful for everyone's "likes," comments, and warm feelings.
I used an image by 1st_note1. Thank you very much 🎶