The Listening Skills of a Communication Master

At my workplace, there is a woman who is called a 'communication monster' because she is always adored by her colleagues, no matter who she works with.

Everyone who works with her becomes her follower.

For example, I once assigned an employee (Mr. S) to her who was known for being assertive, having personality issues, and being a handful for every department.

To my surprise, one month later, Mr. S, who had been a problem, completely changed his attitude, saying, 'I will do my best for her.'

I asked Mr. S later what had caused this change of heart.

'She accepted everything about me and listened to what I had to say. I realized I couldn't cause her any more trouble.'

It seems she listened to everything, from his thoughts on work to the frustrations he had been bottling up.

On top of that, she told him, 'Let's do our best together!' He said this helped him realize he didn't need to live with his guard up, and it helped him sort out feelings he had never been able to clear up before.

Previous supervisors, who had only ever pointed out his problematic behavior, were stunned, calling it a 'miracle.'

Everyone has a desire to be heard, but I have never heard of anyone who consistently maintains a desire to listen to others.

Listening to others sometimes requires patience.

The other day, I asked her, this 'communication monster,' what she keeps in mind when listening to people.

The content was so convincing that I understood why she is called a monster. I hope you find something meaningful in this.

1. Use backchanneling (Aizuchi)

When she listens to people, she always nods her head significantly in time with the conversation, saying things like 'Uh-huh,' 'I see,' and 'Is that so?'

Some people listen without changing their expression, but a blank face and no reaction make the person speaking feel uneasy.

She taught me that backchanneling is a way to signal to the other person, 'I understand you!' and 'Tell me more!'

I try to imitate her, but people tell me it sounds fake (laughs).

2. Empathize

Everyone is happy when their story is met with empathy, but sometimes there are negative stories that are difficult to empathize with.

For example,

If someone says, "I'm not good at talking to so-and-so."

And you think, "Well, of course. You two never got along in the first place," you won't be able to empathize with them.

She says, "I see. You're struggling with that, aren't you..." and

empathizes with their feelings instead.

No matter how negative the content is, the first step is to try to be close to their feelings and empathize.

She says it's important to first try to accept everything, just like the comedy duo PecoPa.

I think I'll just keep my distance from people who only talk about negative things (laughs).

3. Don't interrupt the conversation

If someone is saying, "Yesterday, I went on a day trip with my boyfriend for the first time in a while and had a really delicious hamburger... in Kamakura..."

And while they are in the middle of talking,

If you say, "Isn't it that place in Kamakura? I had a cheeseburger there just the other day too!"

If the rest of the story was meant to convey how delicious the hamburger in Kamakura was, then that's fine.

However, they might have actually wanted you to listen to a story about how they fought with their boyfriend after the fun part.

Even in such a situation, she always makes sure to draw out what the other person wants to say until the very end, saying, "Sorry, go on about that place in Kamakura..."

I tend to jump in immediately like it's a buzzer-beater quiz (laughs).

4. Ask for the reason

This might be the easiest way to show that you are interested in the other person.

Just by asking for the reason, you can expect various response patterns such as "what, why, and how."

This is especially effective when talking about "things they like."

She says with a cool face, "People want to keep talking about the things they like, even if they are interrupted, right?"

It seems that by understanding the other person better, you can take communication to the next level.

I often regret ending conversations by just giving vague responses like, 'Oh, wow, that's amazing' (lol).

5. Do not deny

This is also something to learn from PecoPa.

'I don't want to do this job anymore.'

'If it's tough, you don't have to force yourself to do it.
I'll do it!'

She is incredibly cool.

Nothing is born from denial.

By accepting what they say for a moment, you can make them realize they were being negative and give them a chance to try again.

I can do a PecoPa impression too, but I don't have the ability to respond like that all the time (lol).

6. Ask questions even if you aren't interested

This is similar to 'asking for the reason' in the sense of drawing out a conversation.

However, it's difficult to know how to respond to topics you have no interest in or knowledge about, isn't it?

Even in those times, it seems you should quote a part of the conversation to come up with a question.

'I bought a road bike the other day!'

'You bought a road bike? Is it for building stamina?'

Even if it's something you have absolutely no interest in, if you keep the conversation going, zero can turn into a hundred.

Even if you say something completely off the mark, don't worry about it; it's important to always be conscious of the conversation just a little bit ahead.

I sometimes casually say things like, 'I don't know about that, I'm not interested' (lol).

7. Listen with an attitude of not knowing, even if you do know

Even if it's a boastful story you've heard several times, listening with an attitude of not knowing will satisfy the person.

And after they have talked to their heart's content, it seems easier to draw out different information from that person.

Sometimes hearing things like this makes me afraid of her, but

"People only listen to those who listen to them."

when she says that, it is incredibly persuasive.

I immediately interrupt by saying things like, "I've heard that before," effectively cutting the conversation short (lol).

8. Don't listen too much

After listening to so much, not listening too much??
As an ordinary person, I don't understand what she means.

She always listens to people with a detached attitude. She nods enthusiastically, but I have never seen her react in a way that reveals her own emotions.

In other words, listening while clearly separating your own emotions from the facts is what it means not to listen too much.

No matter how much you listen, if you get too emotionally involved, you probably won't be able to hear what is truly important.

Perhaps because she decides "not to listen too much," she is able to listen to her colleagues' stories anytime and as much as she wants.

I often end up listening too much, and only the other person ends up looking refreshed (lol).

In conclusion

She is a workplace pro with a wonderful smile who, while saying "I'm just laid back," is always trusted by everyone and has colleagues who always support her.

She teaches us that having a moderate sensibility is important.

Especially now, when the future is uncertain, I felt once again that it is important to be conscious of being neutral in my daily communication and to give energy to those around me.

If you're okay with someone like me, I'm always happy to listen to you (lol).

Thank you for sticking with this long post.