What I realized only after taking a leave of absence: what is truly important

The day it was decided I would take a leave of absence, I cried.

But I didn't cry because I was sad...
I think now that it was a tear of relief,
realizing that I was finally allowed to rest, and that I didn't have to try so hard anymore.

The doctor said,
"Resting is the most important thing right now."
"Make sure you get enough sleep."
"Resting is your job."

I remember feeling relieved by those words, thinking, "I'm allowed to rest..."
To me, who had been desperate and thinking, "I can't possibly rest,"
the doctor's order to "take a rest" was the word that finally put a "stop" to everything for me.

When I was working, the option to "rest" didn't exist for me.
As a nurse,
as a mother,
I was always moving for the sake of someone else.
That was normal,
and I thought it was just how things were.

Taking time for myself
even felt like a bad thing to do.

And then,
there is something I realized only after taking a leave of absence.

I had always been putting myself last.

I had always been prioritizing others.

I love the smiles of children,
I love the "thank yous" from patients,

but,I myself was not smiling.
I could put on a smile, but my heart wasn't smiling.

I can't remember the last time I laughed until I cried,
or laughed until my stomach hurt.
True smiles,
laughter from the heart—I had forgotten them before I knew it.

It took until I completely broke down for me to realize that.

Resting is not running away.
Resting is not a bad thing.
You don't have to think that resting is a burden on others.

It is precious time to take care of yourself.

However, to be honest, it took time to think this way.
"Is it really okay to rest?"
"I'm causing trouble for others."
"I haven't done anything today either."
"I have to do something!"

Those thoughts were spinning around and around in my head.

I didn't know what it meant to "rest"...

If you feel like you want to rest,

　　that is a small sign.

Please think about whether you have been putting yourself last too much,
even if it's just for today.

You are not alone.

Sora🍀