The World Expands, and a Place to Return to Myself (Heart ④)
I went on to the faculty of engineering in university.
It was a very comfortable place to live.
There was none of the vague reading of the room like in high school,
nor were there values measured by flashiness or how well you could go with the flow.
What was there were people who were somewhat clumsy, serious,
and "people who had been hurt by being 'right'."
I discussed questions that came up in class with my friends.
I went to ask the professors about things I didn't understand.
None of that was anything to be embarrassed about.
Being able to laugh together while saying, "You lose out if you live life seriously, don't you?"
was a first-time experience in my life.
When I realized, "I'm not the only one,"
I felt relieved from the bottom of my heart.
Here, being serious didn't feel suffocating.
Putting in effort was accepted as a natural thing.
Before I knew it, I was listed in the pamphlet as a top student.
I was also chosen as the representative to receive the diploma.
But I wasn't afraid of that anymore.
I was able to honestly feel happy
about having my efforts recognized.
However, it was a little different in my club.
The tennis club was a completely different world from my faculty.
People gather for fun events.
When it came to troublesome tasks like cleaning up or dealing with alumni,
everyone would disappear.
In the end, I was the one left behind.
Always getting the short end of the stick,
I felt like "loneliness" had returned.
But the me from back then was already different.
I observed, thought, and analyzed.
Although it took a little time until I realized the "lack of malice" behind their actions.
—These people are just "living naturally."
The moment I could think that, I stopped blaming others.
And I learned to "ask for favors" and "consult" on my own.
Then, strangely enough,
people started to move little by little.
I, who had been the one stuck with the thankless chores,
had somehow ended up in a position to lead everyone.
Job hunting was not a struggle.
A sales position where I could utilize my favorite field of study.
Perhaps my life up until now had all been "research on human relationships."
Every time I spoke in an interview,
I felt like I was talking about my past as "research results."
—Finally, I was
starting to live not by someone else's rules, but in my own words.