It wasn't just the panic attacks that were painful

The pain of not being understood

Since developing panic disorder,
there are things other than the attacks that I find painful.

That is,
not being understood.

My husband is in his 60s, and I am in my 50s.

We have no children.

My husband is usually obsessed with his computer,
and stays holed up on the second floor most of the time.

Even when I am suffering from panic disorder or IBS,
he has never tried to learn about the symptoms.

When is it painful?

What am I anxious about?

What can be done to make it a little easier?

I don't remember ever having such a conversation.


Once, I had an attack while we were traveling by car.

Suddenly, I became short of breath,
my heart started pounding,
and I broke out in a cold sweat.

"Could you please stop the car for a moment?"

I told him,
but my husband just kept driving as if to say, "You'll be fine."

On the Hakone ropeway

Even for someone like me,
there is an unforgettable event.

It happened when I was traveling to Hakone with a friend.

The moment I tried to get on the ropeway,
I was struck by intense anticipatory anxiety.

I can't escape.

I can't get off.

The moment I thought that,
my heart started pounding.

My breathing became shallow,
and I started breaking out in a cold sweat.

On top of that, my IBS abdominal pain flared up,
and I rushed to the restroom in a panic.

Inside the stall,
I couldn't bring myself to come out for a long time.

The guilt of keeping my friend waiting.

The shame of having caused trouble again.

I was filled with those feelings.

After a while,
I somehow managed to board the ropeway.

To get home,
I had no choice but to ride it.

I was filled with terror.

Then my friend,
instead of sitting across from me,
quietly sat down next to me.

And without saying a word,
she placed her hand over mine.

Are you okay?

Hang in there.

There were no such words.

She just
stayed there with me.

As I felt that warmth,
my breathing gradually returned to normal.

I gained the composure to look at the scenery,
and I was able to talk again.

The temperature of a hand offered when you are in pain stays in your heart forever, doesn't it?

Both the coldness and the kindness.

Support that isn't just medicine

At that moment,
I learned for the first time.

That what calms my attacks
isn't just medicine. That there is someone who tries to understand.

That I can feel I am not alone.

That sense of security

can sometimes make the anxiety smaller.

A presence that was always by my side

And there is one more
presence that supported me.

My beloved dog.

When I was lying down due to a panic attack.
When I started crying out of fear.
On nights when I couldn't sleep from anxiety.
On days when I was depressed and didn't want to do anything.

My dog always
came to my side.

There are no words.

He doesn't even know the name of the illness.

Even so,
whenever I was in pain, he was always by my side.

The warmth that supported me

My husband
never tried to understand my illness.

Of course, my husband may have his own way of thinking.

He might not know how to accept the illness, or he might be the type of person who wants to distance himself from troublesome things.


But my beloved dog,

even if she didn't understand the reason,
I feel like she was the only one who sensed my pain.

That is why, to me,
she was family,
my emotional support,
and an irreplaceable presence.

Panic disorder and IBS are illnesses where the symptoms themselves are painful.
But the loneliness of not being understood is also painful.

I don't need to be perfectly understood.

Just,

"It must be hard for you,"

just by having someone accept it like that,

there are days when I am saved.

Conclusion

In this note, I am writing honestly about the fear, loneliness, anxiety, complaints, and happy moments that I couldn't put into words for fear of being dismissed with "You're an adult, aren't you?" or "At your age..."

From now on as well,

* Life after developing panic disorder
* Things I became unable to do
* Things I became able to do little by little
* Days supported by my beloved dog
* Until I could travel again

I would like to write honestly about these things.

I would be happy if those who are suffering in the same way could feel that "they are not alone."

#PanicDisorder
#IBS
#IrritableBowelSyndrome
#AnticipatoryAnxiety
#InvisibleDisability
#PainOfNotBeingUnderstood
#MaritalRelationship
#LifeWithADog
#EmotionalSupport
#note