Farewell

Is it the fault of the one who had expectations?
Or is it the fault of the one who betrayed them?

This is a difficult one, isn't it?

For example, let's see.
I think it's natural to have expectations of a lover.
Like, expecting them to say kind words to you.
Or expecting them to be thinking of you even on days you can't meet.

But those "expectations" are easily betrayed.

You get anxious just because a reply is late,
and your heart feels rough just because the silence lasts a little too long.
Even though they might just be busy,
we end up having expectations on our own and feeling betrayed on our own.

I'm the same.
There is something I decided from the moment I woke up this morning.
That I would definitely fulfill it.

I "expected" that I would definitely eat mapo tofu for dinner, but when I actually went shopping, I suddenly had an irresistible craving for grilled fish.

There is no clearer example of expectation and betrayal than this.

My morning resolution scattered in vain, and I easily gave in to the desire of that moment and bought fish.
I had expectations for mapo tofu and betrayed it, then I had expectations for grilled fish.

And now.
The grilled fish wasn't very good.
I was betrayed by the grilled fish.

Is it the fault of me, who had the expectations?
Or is it the fault of me, who did the betraying?

I'm so crushed by the weakness of my own will
that I can't even clear away the dishes I finished eating.

When I woke up this morning, it was definitely supposed to be mapo tofu.
But the moment I passed by the fish section at the supermarket,
my feelings changed as if it had gone from midwinter to midsummer.

But I want you to listen.
Let me make an excuse, just a little.

It smelled good.

The scent of fresh fish unique to the fish section, you know it, right?
That scent is troublesome.

There are times when I think the smell is too strong, and times when my feelings lean toward thinking fish is nice too.

And I, quite impressively, let my feelings lean and betrayed the mapo tofu.

Even though I "expected" so much from the mapo tofu.

And then, despite having betrayed it, the fact that I thought I should have had the mapo tofu after all because the grilled fish wasn't good caused sludge-like emotions to well up inside me.

Self-loathing.
Nothing else.

That is exactly why I...
I have decided in my heart that tomorrow, it will be mapo tofu.
I want you to believe me.

My heart will not waver anymore.
It won't even lean.
Absolutely.

The desire to eat ginger pork is peeking out a little bit too,
but for me, it's mapo tofu.

I want you to have expectations for the me of tomorrow.
And I don't want the me of tomorrow to betray me.
I'm tired of betraying myself.

But I've started to want Gyoza from Ohsho too, so at times like this, I have no choice but to brush my teeth.
I'll refresh myself by brushing my teeth and forget about it.

Farewell, self-loathing.
Farewell, grilled fish.
Farewell.

Hello, mapo tofu.

was the "expectation".