Gonsuke at Dawn

Do you know the Rakugo story 'Gonsuke's Lantern'?

There's a master who goes back and forth between his legal wife's house and his mistress's house. One night, the wife, trying to be considerate, says, 'It's windy out, why don't you go over to her place?' Since it's dark, she has their servant, Gonsuke, carry a lantern to accompany him.

However, when he arrives at the mistress's house, she says, 'It's not fair to your wife, so please go home today.' He has no choice but to return. When he gets back, the wife acts like, 'Oh, why are you back?' and sends him off again.

This repeats, and he goes back and forth all night long.
The master walks around with Gonsuke carrying the lantern, but finally, when the lantern's light is about to go out and he says, 'Hey Gonsuke, light the lantern,' Gonsuke replies,

'There is no need for a lantern. The sun has already risen.'

That's the punchline.

Actually, something similar happened to me.

If you're a smoker, you'll understand, but when you go out, you absolutely have to find a smoking area.
If it's a place I'm used to, I don't need to look, but if it's a place I'm visiting for the first time, I look for one in advance.

A smoking area is like a save point; you can only take a breather after having a smoke.
That's why smoking areas are truly important to smokers.

That day, I had to go out in a hurry late at night, and I was going here and there.

I'd go here and have a smoke in the smoking area.
I'd go there and have a smoke in the smoking area.

And the errand itself was, if anything, on the unpleasant side.
It was about my father's nursing care.
To begin with, I hold negative thoughts and feelings toward my father, so this kind of thing is quite tough.

He wouldn't work, would get drunk during the day, use violence under the guise of discipline, and tell nothing but lies to protect himself.
My mom, on the other hand, worked during the day and did all the housework perfectly after coming home.

Now that I'm an adult, I understand better than I did back then just how much hardship was placed on my mom's slender body.
Because I understand, I feel both a sense of unforgiveness and a desire not to forgive him.

But even now that she's divorced, my mom supports my father as much as she can.
When I asked her, 'Why do you do so much for a piece of trash like that?', she said, 'Because I don't want to have any regrets.'

She's soft.
It's not that she's kind.
She's soft.
And selfish.

Every time my mom gets pushed around by my father, my sister and I get pushed around along with her.
In fact, he caused a troublesome problem in the middle of the night, and we're being dragged into it.

She really is too good-natured.

Even so, because she is that kind of mom, I care about her and want to cherish her.
I don't want my mom to have any regrets either.

For that sake, even if there's a nasty past, even if I can't respect him as a father, and even if he's a person I absolutely hate, I'll lend a hand.

But, even if I can say that in words, my feelings...

Even though I know that if I can overcome this problem, I'll become an even better man, my emotions can't keep up.

Only my emotions are left behind, all alone in the past.
The me from long ago is sitting with his knees pulled up, looking at me.

Ah, before I knew it, it was time for the sun to rise.
The surroundings are starting to get faintly bright, and the sparrows are chirping.

By the time I got off at the nearest station, it was already a proper morning.
For now, I buy a canned coffee on my way to the smoking area I'm used to.

Arriving at the smoking area, before putting a cigarette in my mouth, I take a deep breath while being tormented by the sense of accomplishment that the errand is finally over, the fatigue that came a beat late, and the conflict in my heart.

Inhale~~~~ exhale~~~~.
I am~~~~ a good man~~~~.
I want to marry~~~~ Aoi Miyazaki~~~~.
Eri Fukatsu~~~~ is also acceptable~~~~.

Early morning is so refreshing.
The fatigue from just a moment ago disappeared in an instant, and a refreshing feeling spread through my heart.

I take a sip of canned coffee and close my eyes slightly.
If it's this refreshing, I don't need a cigarette, I thought, but the next moment I was lighting one, so I really couldn't trust myself anymore.

But that's what makes it a true save point for the heart.
The relief of being able to take a breather, combined with the cold morning air and the cigarette, almost made me drool.

However, I feel like something deep inside my heart is finally about to change.

The night within me has dawned.