Monologue about the Body: 'I'm Scared of the Toilet' - What My Body Taught Me

Back when I was a truant, my body was my greatest ally and,
at the same time, the thing that was most 'beyond my control'.

What tormented me most was a symptom called 'psychogenic urinary frequency'.

In the summer of my first year of junior high, without a clear reason,
I became unable to enter the classroom.

The rejection response my body was emitting at that time was 'wanting to go to the bathroom repeatedly during class'.

The more I thought, 'I have to go to school',
the more strongly my body reacted as if to say, 'No'.

My own body, which I wanted to trust, wouldn't let me sit in the classroom.
It was a feeling like my heart was being torn apart.

After trying to go to class many times and failing,
when I could no longer do anything about it,
I was finally able to say, 'I don't want to go to school'.

During the days I struggled to get better, my mother was also desperate.
We went to urologists, psychosomatic medicine clinics, and tried expensive herbal medicines and chiropractic care.

Even so, there was no visible change.
It was just days of time and money passing by.

But now I think,
that time was not wasted.

Even if things didn't go well, even if nothing changed,
my mother kept moving to try and do something for me.

That fact gradually remained within me as a sense of security.
That time had properly soaked into me as love.

Even at the educational counseling office where I gathered the courage to seek advice, I was brushed off.
The feeling of 'not being understood' made me even more lonely.

When I went out, I always had a 'toilet map' drawn in my head.
I chose train cars with toilets,
and refrained from drinking or eating the day before.

'How can I go to the bathroom without anyone noticing?'
I lived thinking only about that.

My life, like that,
changed significantly along with this 'psychogenic urinary frequency'.
If my body hadn't reacted at all back then,
I think I would have forced myself to keep going to school.

I might have gone on to high school, university, and gotten a job,
becoming a 'normal adult that society demands'.

But that is not the life I truly wanted.
I think I would have collapsed much more severely somewhere along the way.

Being able to stop while I was still young and had people supporting me,
even while suffering,
I think was a good thing in the end.

Because my body stopped me by saying 'it's impossible',
I was able to become a truant.

From there, I encountered a free school,
went abroad, and learned with my body that 'the world is not just one thing'.

School is not everything.

I felt for the first time that there are so many ways to live and so many places to be.
And I realized.

What is important is not school, but myself.
That 'how I feel' is more important than the 'correct answer'.

I also met many wonderful adults.
They were people who showed me through their own lives that 'this way of living is also possible'.

Eventually, I found a job I could truly say I 'love',
and now I have a precious wife and family.

I am now living a life I couldn't have imagined back then.

My life changed 180 degrees at that time.

The things I thought were 'obvious',
weren't actually obvious at all.

Chasing an impossible 'normal',
there was no need to torment myself.

Now I think.
The urinary frequency back then wasn't just a symptom.
It was a sign that my body was telling me, 'This isn't right'.

Before I forced myself and broke down,
it had properly stopped me.
My body had been on my side all along.

If there is a child whose body is saying 'it's impossible' like I was back then,
please, I want you to accept that voice without denying it.

Because for that child,
it is the most important 'voice' of all.