Oversized

The clothes don't touch my underarms

This level of looseness is
what I find comfortable lately

Back when I used to
like just-right sizes

Is my stomach bulging out?
Is my hip line looking like an inverted Fuji?
Is it cute? Pretty?
Cool??

I'd be happy or sad over the numbers on the scale,
wanting a beautiful body line,
looking thinner in my clothes

How am I seen by others?
I was always thinking about things like that

?
My brain is always
full of question marks

It seemed like I was choosing clothes,
but in reality, I was only worried about how I was being perceived

Today,
what color ranger should I be??

Every time I put my arms through new clothes,
I feel like a sentai hero

Looking strong,
looking kind,
looking capable,
looking like a mother,
looking feminine

I choose the battle suit I need for the day
and leap outside
to face evil enemies

The opponent I was fighting
was myself

The self I didn't want to be seen,
the self I didn't want to acknowledge,
the weak self

To hide that self,
I kept wearing sturdy armor
from my head to my toes

Looking strong,
I was heavily armed

It was hard to move,
suffocating,
and I felt like I was hyperventilating

Recently,
I was cleaning the house,
and I filled five 45-liter trash bags in one day

I threw them away without hesitation,
the things I thought were necessary for my armor

Thinking I might use them someday,
the weapons I thought could hide me,
all of them

I kept
taking them out of the house

What I cast off was
not my clothes

The armor I wore
to protect myself

The breeze passing under my arms
feels good

There is no tightness
and there is room to breathe

It doesn't have to be the perfect size

Being able to stay as I am
an oversized fit
is just right for me now