On Nights When 'Anything Is Fine' Becomes a Habit | Perhaps the Volume Is Just Turned Down

Hello, this is Yukino.

"What do you want to eat?"

I started to answer, then stopped.

Deep in the back of my tongue, something started to form into words, then retreated again.

The phrase "anything is fine" came out first.

The person who heard those words said, "Then let's go with this," and that was that.

After it was over, I put down my chopsticks and thought for a moment.

Did I really want anything?

I felt that wasn't the case.

"Anything is fine" is a convenient phrase.

It settles the situation. It doesn't bother the other person. It allows you to avoid that weight of having to decide.

But if you keep doing it, there are nights when you realize something.

You've lost track of what you actually wanted to eat.

Perhaps it's not just about meals.

What do I want to do? How do I want to do it? Which way do I want to go?

Every time I'm asked, "anything is fine" comes out first, and I've made it so that even I can't see what was behind it.

Previously, I heard these words during an interview.

It was a quiet voice. Not blaming, just as if confirming it.

Is it that I have nothing I want to do?

Or is it that what I want to do has become harder to hear?

Thinking that those two things are a little different,
I couldn't put it into words well that night.
　

On the way home, the word 'volume' came to mind.

It's not that the voice isn't coming out, but that the volume is turned down.
Isn't there such a state?

It's not that hope has disappeared, but
that consideration comes first, making my own voice quieter.

It's just become harder to hear, it hasn't vanished.

When that perspective came to mind,
there was a slightly different view.

If you keep saying 'anything is fine',
having consideration come first becomes the natural order.

The movement to try to be considerate of someone
might have been there at the beginning.

That has piled up, and little by little, it has lowered the volume of your voice.

So I don't think it's a matter of blame.

However, if you remain unaware that it has been lowered,
you will eventually stop being able to hear it yourself.

Tonight, if there is a situation where you are about to say 'anything is fine'.

It's okay to say it.
When that's all there is, that's fine.

But just a little, you might want to ask yourself after that.

Was it really okay with anything?

Or was there something, but
consideration just came out first?

It's okay if you don't find an answer.

The moment I ask, I feel like the volume comes back just a little bit.

The voice had not disappeared.

It had simply been turned down for a long time.

Even if you don't know where it is,
it is different from being gone.

Even if you do not bloom, you are beautiful.

Yukino

[Welcome to Cocomichi's 'Library of the Heart']

I hope this article has brought even a little bit of space to your heart.
At 'Cocomichi,' I hope to continue delivering peace of mind and small realizations.

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