Without a conscience, you can do anything

1.
In sociology,
“You worry because you have a conscience.
Without a conscience, you can do anything.
There are things you cannot do because you have a conscience.”

“To improve yourself is to elevate the dimension of your worries.”

I replaced what the professor said with a scenario on a train,
and felt like I had somehow understood it.

With no social experience,
when an elderly person boarded the train, I would give up my seat,
only to be scolded loudly enough for the whole car to hear,
“Don't treat me like an old person!”

From then on,
I always had music playing from my Walkman,
I turned a blind eye,
and decided, “I’ll only give up my seat for pregnant women.”

I put on a cool face, but my heart was not at peace.
It was also during my student days that I decided to just stand
because it was so exhausting.

Even when I acted with kindness, regrets would pile up,
and with the development of the internet, I found myself
looking for my own faults in opinions I didn't need to see.

2.
When I deeply hurt someone,
and kept worrying, wanting to die or disappear,
I wrote a message to myself on note.

If I am not kind to myself and lack peace of mind,
I cannot be kind to anyone else.
I must save myself first.

It is easy to say you should be kind to others, but hard to do.
Kindness is an act of giving to others,
and I cannot possibly do it if I have no energy left.

When I deeply hurt someone and my expectations for myself dropped,
I began to consider myself,
found some value even in difficult situations,
gained the courage to enjoy things without worrying about others,
and gradually built up my strength.

3.
I know that kindness is basically invisible,
and that you are never thanked for it.
Why, then, do I worry and find myself unable to act?

Visible kindness unconsciously becomes a burden to the other person,
making me a weight to them,
which eventually leads to a motive for them to treat me harshly.

If you force kindness on someone who doesn't need it,
you are perceived as someone meddling where you aren't wanted,
leading to being looked down upon, talked down to, or even threatened.

To whom, when, and how do you use kindness?
Kindness is a means, not an end.
Thinking about the timing of kindness is far more important,
which is why I worry and become unable to act.

4.
“You worry because you have a conscience.
Without a conscience, you can do anything.
There are things you cannot do because you have a conscience.”
With the development of social media, the professor's words sting ironically,
and kindness is essentially for one's own sake.