Studying intently to protect myself from the storm

I recently learned the concept of "parts." It is the idea that there are various personalities within oneself.About parts

Right after I learned this, an incident occurred that triggered my trauma! My mother, who is in her 70s and lives with me, suffered a severe lower back strain. Time suddenly rewound more than 40 years. Whenever my mother was not feeling well or was busy with housework, especially when preparing dinner, her catchphrase was "Use your intuition and act."

Before I started elementary school and throughout my elementary school years, I was always flustered. If these were specific instructions like "Hand me the ladle" or "Move the books off the table," I would know what to do and feel at ease. But being told to "use my intuition and act"? I had no idea what would be considered acceptable, and I would be yelled at without even understanding why, causing me to shrink in fear.

To make matters worse, my father, who is usually a corporate warrior and leaves all housework and childcare to my mother, would say unnecessary things. He would say things like, "Help your mother," or "If your mother is not feeling well, say something kind to her." To me, the threat had doubled, or rather, increased a hundredfold.

My instincts told me, "That situation has returned, be on guard." My parts worked tirelessly, all hands on deck, to protect me. In the real world, I remained tense and braced myself (I did not take any actions to relax, nor did it even occur to me to do so), and I put up a shield to protect myself from the storm that was my parents.

In my case, putting up a shield means "escaping into studying." I learned as a child that when I am studying, I am not complained to, and my family does not invade my boundaries. So, in an attempt to protect myself from the storm, I just kept making math worksheets. It is ridiculous, isn't it? However, I was literally fighting for my life.

I am grateful for the desperate work of my parts. They have kept me alive for so many years like that. My self-understanding has deepened even further.