The Shadow Cast on My Later Life by a Fierce Feud with My Sister

I am the eldest of four sisters.
“Oh, like Little Women! How lovely💖”
If you thought that, please quietly close this page, as this story is far from lovely. I think you can tell from the title that it isn't, haha.

When I was a child, I had a quite intense feud with my sisters, especially the third daughter (the middle sister). Honestly, I seriously prayed for her to disappear or die.

Once I became an adult and we lived separately, I gained some breathing room. I talk to my sisters more easily now than when we lived together at our parents' house. When my aunt mentioned this, I replied,“It’s because I’ve secured my own place and feel secure. If we lived together, we’d just be at each other's throats.”My aunt was surprised. As for me, I was just answering the truth normally. To defend my aunt's honor, she poured love into each of her two sons, and those brothers, who are close in age, are still on good terms today.

It’s not that everything was solved just because I lived in a separate household from my sister; the experience left scars on my body.When I get psychologically close to someone of the same sex, I feel tense.If I sense a situation similar to my sister, my body seems to go into a defensive, battle-ready state faster than my brain can think, likely unconsciously. That is why I make a conscious effort not to get too close to people I might otherwise become friendly with, such as by calling them by their last names. In the past, I had a terrible experience where someone I was on a first-name basis with violated my boundaries. Am I being distant? Yes. But personal safety comes first.

It seems that sibling relationships are difficult, and not just in my family. The Old Testament story of Cain and Abel is about an older brother who was jealous of his twin brother and killed him. I can imagine the older brother's feelings a little bit. I sometimes hear from parents who are troubled by the intense fighting between siblings close in age. I think that because they are close in age, they feel intense jealousy if it looks like the other person received even a little more of their parents' love. Cain and Abel were even same-sex twins! It is entirely possible for an older brother to harbor murderous intent toward his younger brother. Cain and Abel is a story, but it has been read across generations because it reflects a human truth.

I read somewhere that mammalian offspring are rivals competing for their mother's milk.Isn't it fate that they become fierce rivals if left to their own devices? That is why every child needs to have a secure place and a real sense of being loved. That is a super high-level task, though. It was so high-level that I gave up on having children, haha.

There was no support from my parents.“Don't you think your sister is cute? Take care of her.”They just kept chanting that mantra. My mother had a bit of a naive, rose-colored view of the world, and she seemed to be under the misconception that if you just give birth to four children, they will naturally get along on their own. Even when she saw the sibling feud right in front of her, she never took any action.

I get the impression that many parents in the world, including my own, hold sweet fantasies about sibling relationships. They probably don't want to admit that their own beloved children, whom they see through the eyes of a parent, could harbor jealousy or hatred toward each other. I think the reason they casually force the older child to take care of the younger one is also based on the assumption that, just as they as parents think, it is only natural for the older child to find the younger one cute.

Only when a person has secured their own place can they have the capacity to care for others. When home is a battlefield of life or death, it is impossible to care for a sister. I have heard that children of toxic parents don't get along, and I find that convincing. My family might even be on the better side. As for the rest, I will be careful to ensure that inheritance doesn't turn into a 'war of succession.' I need to be careful because there are unnecessarily many people involved.

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I usually work as an online math tutor. I call myself a "teacher who blows away with the wind."
Work blog: "Even if you stumble in 9th or 10th-grade math, you can still make it to a science-track university entrance exam if you firmly grasp the basics."https://ameblo.jp/homo-ludens3839