Things I want you to do before trying to raise your self-esteem

[I want to raise my self-esteem!] This has become a phrase we've heard often over the past few years.

Especially in romantic relationships, when this self-esteem drops, you may not be able to control your emotions well, which can lead to [victim mentality], [being annoying by trying to control your partner], or [being unable to forgive your partner even for minor things], all of which can shake the foundation of your partnership.

Self-esteem tends to drop in various situations, especially when you are treated coldly by your boyfriend or after a breakup.

At such times, I think everyone tends to desperately think, [I want to raise my self-esteem!].

I often hear women say with great enthusiasm that they are making an effort to [take care of their own mood!].

Doing things they like, buying things they wanted, eating favorite foods, or chatting with friends.

That's fine! It's a very good thing!

But... if you aren't doing the important things, no matter how hard you try to raise your self-esteem, it won't go well. In fact, even after or while doing fun things, you might still feel a sense of unease...

Do you know why it doesn't go well even though you are trying hard to raise your self-esteem? Let me share my realization with you.

The opposite of [self-affirmation] is [self-denial + self-loathing].

For example, suppose you blamed him for not contacting you much and things became awkward.

He was just busy with work, but I demanded too much (self-loathing), I shouldn't have said that (self-loathing), I'm so embarrassed that I got emotional (self-loathing).

Along with self-loathing,

1. Myself for demanding too much
2. Myself for saying unnecessary things
3. Myself for getting emotional

This is a form of denying these three versions of yourself as [not good].

This becomes self-denial.

Since self-affirmation and self-denial are like a tug-of-war, [self-esteem] drops because you are denying yourself.

What I propose is to affirm the versions of yourself that you thought were not good as mentioned above.

1. I demanded too much, but well, it can't be helped if I love him; I understand the feeling of wanting to be in touch!
2. I said unnecessary things and felt sorry for him, but it's natural to want to throw a tantrum when you're lonely; humans make mistakes all the time!
3. I got emotional, but I must have been really lonely; it was painful, wasn't it? You endured so much.

Please affirm your actions like a kind best friend listening to the complaints of self-denial in 1, 2, and 3.

I believe a best friend would say, [It's not like you're entirely to blame; learn from what you need to reflect on, and if you can change that, you don't really need to worry about it, right?]

Please keep this [best friend] who does not deny you in your heart.

By the way, even if you try to fix things by reflecting and learning, human habits are hard to break, so you might mess up with him again, but this [best friend] is one who will stand by you as many times as needed.

Things like [It happens sometimes] or [You were tired, after all].
With this, I believe you can move away from the tug-of-war relationship of [self-affirmation ⇔ self-denial], stop being pulled toward self-denial, reach a neutral state, and only then will taking care of your own mood become effective.


It's not good to think this way.
It's my fault for doing this.

Maybe they thought of me this way?
Self-denial is hidden in many aspects of love and daily life.
In fact, even denying the emotions that well up from within you, such as [It's not okay to feel lonely!], also lowers your self-esteem.

I would like to write about how to handle these emotions in future posts.

When I told a client about this the other day,

[I see! So that's what I wasn't doing...]

they said, and although it was just the nuance of how they said it,
[That's why I'm no good, I guess...]

there was a space that suggested they wanted to say that, so when I said,

[That is also self-denial!]

they laughed and said, [You're right!].

Many serious and conscientious Japanese people have this habit deeply ingrained.

When you think, 'I want to raise my self-esteem!', I think it's because something sad or unpleasant has happened.
Since you are likely to fall into self-denial, I recommend starting by affirming that first.

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If you have any concerns, please feel free to comment.
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・Why did it end up like that?
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