On Days When I Can Only Say I'm Tired

I'm tired.
No matter how I struggle, there are days when I can only say I'm tired.
I feel like I haven't done anything, but in reality, I've done quite a lot.

Just being alive actually uses up a significant amount of energy.

Even the simple act of eating involves a process: holding chopsticks, breaking food into manageable pieces, bringing it to my mouth...

When I'm tired, I lack the feeling of being kind to myself.

I feel like I've done nothing.
I feel like I can't find value in anything at all.

But, now is the time.
Now is the time to remember that just being alive deserves a gold star.

I'll try chanting it in my heart three times.
Just being alive deserves a gold star.
Just being alive deserves a gold star.
Just being alive deserves a gold star.

I still can't digest it easily.

My heart aches.
It feels as painful as if my lungs were being compressed.

I don't want to end this article on a negative note. I don't want to let it end that way.

Even though I think that, I just can't seem to break free.

Well, those days happen, don't they?
It can't be helped.

Resignation could even be called a form of positive acceptance.
Living alongside the feeling that 'it can't be helped'.

...I tried to wrap it up a bit positively like that, but I still can't swallow it yet.

I wish I could look back at the past and offer advice, saying things were tough back then, or that doing this would help.
I'm not at that point yet.

I am deep inside a tunnel.
Seeing a light in the distance, watching it flicker and disappear, yet still, I am living.

I feel a sense of guilt for writing negative things.
Because I want this to be a warm place.

But I also think there are things that can only be said now.

The scars in my heart haven't even scabbed over yet.
I am living while carrying raw, open wounds.

I've had periods where suicidal ideation and other things were worse than they are now, so I won't claim to be on the front lines.

But precisely because I am immersed in it in real-time, there are voices I can pick up.
Precisely because it hasn't become a memory yet, there are thoughts I can convey.

I think there are many things that can only be said now.

If so, I can do that.