Unemployment and Self-Esteem: No Proof of Self-Worth Required

I have been unemployed for a while now.
Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I have been recuperating for a long time.
Work scares me. It terrifies me to no end.

Yet, from time to time, I am struck by an uncontrollable anxiety about not working.

I have taken to calling these 'work attacks'.

Work attacks strike suddenly, without any particular trigger.
While watching my favorite show, or in a moment of relaxation before bed—at any time, an alarm suddenly rings in my head.

I must work! If I don't work, I won't be accepted by society!

Driven by impulse, I read job postings, but nausea rises, and soon I can see nothing through my tears.

Part of me feels that since I am not working, it is only natural to feel anxious.

But even when I surrendered to that anxiety, it only worsened my health and solved nothing.

It has always been this way.
I know this, and I have repeated it many times.

It seems that for me, 'work' is defined as something that proves my worth.
Without work, I have no value.
I have no worth at all.
He who does not work shall not eat.
I have no right to live.

Unable to shake that thought, a work attack occurs.

Even when I am enjoying a hobby, I worry about whether it might somehow lead to work.
If I were to connect it to work, wouldn't this way of doing it be wrong?

More, more, more.

Thinking that way, I can no longer enjoy it purely.
Even though I am resting all the time, I don't feel rested at all.
Because I don't rest, I don't recover.
Because I don't recover, I can't move forward or backward.
It is a vicious cycle.

Stuck thinking about it alone, I consulted a counselor.

'The ability to earn money is different from your own worth.'
Hearing that, I was startled.

They also said this:
'The feeling of happiness from writing about things you like is more important.'
And so, I suddenly realize.

Proof of worth to justify living was never actually necessary from the start.

Just breathing and being here is precious in itself.

Feeling something, thinking, and living that way is what truly matters.
I can think that for others, but I cannot think it for myself.

I wanted to change that.


You have worth.Just by existing, you have worth.
Absolutely, without a doubt.

It is a value that will never be lost, even without needing to prove it with anything.