Goodbye, my 39-year-old egg

*This is a diary entry where I've poured out my personal thoughts. It has not been fact-checked, so it may lack accuracy.

I originally started this account to keep a record of my fertility treatment and my physical condition, using it mainly like Twitter through the "tweet" function. ("Tweets" were discontinued in 2026.)
Because of that, if you go back a bit, there are many scattered, truly rambling tweets without photos, and I had been leaving them alone while thinking I wanted to organize them.

Today, I happened to decide to create a magazine to compile them, and I was reading through my past tweets here and there.
Then, this came up.

Ah, right, I was able to get pregnant with the embryo transfer at that time, and I remember being told (or receiving documents stating) that this frozen fertilized egg would be stored for only one year, and after that, it would be discarded unless renewed, if I recall correctly...

Since the childbirth and postpartum period were quite difficult for me both mentally and physically, the frozen egg had completely slipped my mind.

I remembered it a little while ago when I visited a new clinic to discuss a second child and was asked if I had any embryos frozen from my previous transfer.
But at that time, I thought I had frozen an "egg," and reading the tweet above, I realized for the first time that it was actually an "embryo that had been cultured to a grade suitable for transfer."

I couldn't help but let out a loud "What a waste!"
And then I felt depressed.

I was so depressed that, even though I had plans right after, I couldn't switch my mood, so I decided to vent on Threads.

Regretting what's past won't bring it back, so it can't be helped.
I think that, but my emotions are wavering; I ended up being late for my subsequent plans and took it out on my husband over trivial things, creating an awkward atmosphere.

As I write this line, it is the day after I started writing, and yesterday, before writing on Threads, I started writing this but stopped because it became too painful. I've calmed down a little, so by writing this, I am organizing my feelings.

I feel like I should probably talk to my husband about this, too.
If I keep it all to myself, I'll end up stewing over it in a strange way, and I'm afraid I'll end up lashing out with something that has matured and become more toxic.

I usually try not to let my frustrations with my husband or the negative emotions that arise within me sit for too long before sharing them.
When I have lashed out unreasonably, I try to calm down and, without letting the day pass if possible, apologize and explain my own analysis of why it happened (e.g., I was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with tasks, so I got angry).

From my husband's perspective, my behavior is like a roller coaster,
and it might be annoying to have every little thing explained to him, but this is the only way I know how to handle it.

Regarding this matter, he will probably think, "It's already gone, so it can't be helped, right?" And he would be right.
But I want to share that I am sad and that I had wanted to keep it stored.

When it was just the two of us, we would just let things slide with a "well, whatever," but I've learned that once you become a "family" and have responsibilities in life, those things eventually surface in some form later on.

It's not well-organized, but I think that kind of accumulation of small things was what we were lacking at the time of the embryo transfer.

For those who are going to have an embryo transfer, even if you aren't thinking about a subsequent pregnancy, I think it's best to talk thoroughly with your partner about egg storage, and if possible, ask your partner and the hospital to remind you.

I didn't have the mental capacity to think about such things, but I would have done so if I could have.
My struggle regarding a second pregnancy will probably continue for a little while longer.