Desert Moon
Animals don't need a reason to live. I envy that so much. They eat without thinking, sleep without thinking, and have sex without thinking. Whether or not they leave offspring behind is none of their concern.
I need a reason. For everything. For romance, for love, for sleeping with someone, I need a reason for it all. It would be convenient if I could just say it was for money. Maybe I could have lived more easily if I could just say it was instinct.
＊
I walk up the hill from the Hachiko exit of Shibuya Station, heading toward PARCO. It's quite late at night, and the lights in the shops are going out. There are still many people around, but I can tell right away that Shinichi-san is on the other side of the sidewalk. He spots me and runs over. "We're short on members, help me look for some."
"Men or women?" I ask back. We're always short on people on Monday nights.
"Both. I'll focus on the guys, so you focus on the girls."
"Understood. I'll bring back two or three."
"You're a lifesaver."
Saying that, Shinichi-san hugs me. I stiffen. Why is human body temperature so warm? But I understand immediately. If you touch a 37-degree object, it is indeed hot.
＊
It's hard to pick up people on Center-gai, so I head back to the Hachiko exit.
I stand facing the scramble crossing. I quickly spot a pair of women who look nice. Their pace is slow, and they are laughing together with big gestures. This should work. I move diagonally in front of them and call out, "Good evening, sorry for the sudden interruption."
As I walk and explain the situation, one of them stops and says, "That sounds interesting." To avoid getting in the way of pedestrians, I guide the two of them to the corner. I put my hands together toward the other one, asking her to please join us, and after she says, "Well, just for an hour," the three of us head toward PARCO.
On the way, I notice a girl on the stairs next to the Disney Store. She is sitting all by herself. Around twenty years old. She might be a runaway. I memorize the location.
As I'm ringing the intercom on the fourth floor of the multi-tenant building, I hear Shinichi-san's voice from behind: "You're fast." He has brought two men in suits. They are tall and handsome like actors, and the attitude of the two women who were with me suddenly becomes timid.
"I think I can get one more, so I'm going back," I say, heading toward the emergency stairs. "You're a lifesaver. Thanks," comes a flat voice from behind. The sound of a door opening. A heavy, fast-paced bass beat leaks out for just a moment.
*
I ran toward the Disney Store. Someone was vomiting against the street trees. A young couple couldn't walk straight and looked like they were about to collapse. Avoiding them, I bought two milk teas from a vending machine and went to look for the girl from earlier. She was sitting in the same spot, head bowed. I made it in time.
"Here, have one," I said, holding one out and placing it next to her. She glanced at me, then hugged her knees again. A small, cute face. For the first time in a while, my heart tightened.
I pretended to be calm and sat down beside her. I pulled the tab on the can and gulped it down, my throat clicking. Come to think of it, I hadn't eaten anything since I arrived in Shibuya. The synthetic sweetness filled my body, and I felt a little more at ease.
She didn't say anything. I also looked up at the sky in silence. A mechanical night. Artificial darkness. I understand as a matter of knowledge that there are many stars beyond that.
"Are you here often?" I asked quietly. There was no reply. But I wasn't rejected either. I continued, still staring at the night sky.
"I like the night better than the day. Because you don't see the dirty things. If there's less to see, there's less to think about, which makes it easier."
After a while, she said, "I like the night, too." A low, natural voice. A voice that didn't try to curry favor.
Since I wasn't ignored, I brightened up. "I'm glad. We think alike. There's a party going on over there, would you like to come? It's free. There are celebrities and stuff."
"I'm not interested in celebrities."
I thought I had rushed it, so I changed the subject. "Are you just going to sit here forever?"
After a short pause, she said, "I'm waiting for someone."
"Your boyfriend?"
Silence. An atmosphere that suggested she didn't want to answer.
"Mickey isn't coming," I said, intending it as a joke. "He's probably out on the western plains, watching the moon or something."
What's moon-viewing? she asked. Maybe she didn't know because of her generation. "Apparently, in the old days, people used to look at the moon, drink sake, and eat sweets," I replied. Things I learned in textbooks.
"Then, isn't this moon-viewing, too?" she said, still looking at the ground. Indeed.
A cargo vehicle stopped on Koen-dori. She stood up. I felt lonely and called out to stop her.
"Where are you going?"
"Earth," she replied.
＊
A dazzling light floats in the pitch-black void of space. I watch it go, all alone on the western plains. The 2:00 AM scheduled rocket.
The lunar colony recreates the Shibuya of 50 years ago. That, too, was in the textbooks. Beyond what used to be Yoyogi Park, the lunar desert stretches on forever.
When I was born on this parched land, my parents were already gone. I know their faces and names from records, but there is no way to verify if they were truly my parents. The past can be rewritten entirely.
It would be a lie to say I don't feel lonely. But it can't be helped. There are many things in this world for which the reasons are unknown. I am at the age where I have to understand that.
I sent her a message: "From over there, it really must look like moon-viewing from the old days." I don't know if it reached her.
I will probably be here until I die. An artificial city, an artificial night, artificial rain, an artificial me, an artificial love, an artificial...
I look up at the night sky. I reach out my hand. Earth is out there beyond it, and perhaps she is looking this way too. Just kidding. That's not really happening, though.
But it's free to hope, isn't it?
＊＊＊