Shusaku Endo vs. Ayako Miura / Happy Writing Marathon #6
I sobbed on the balcony at dawn, shouting, "Micchan!!"
How many times in one's life does one have a reading experience like that?
Happy Writing Marathon #6
I read everyone's posts before I write each time,
and quite a few people chose Shusaku Endo or Ayako Miura, so I was super excited, thinking, "Me too, me too!"
In high school, I went to an all-girls school and spent my time reading "Legend of the Galactic Heroes" and living a carefree life.
However, as soon as I started university,
the major problem of meeting menarose.
No matter how hard I tried to please them, I just kept getting dumped.
What is love?
At times like that, this is the book I read on the balcony until dawn, crying my eyes out.
If God asked me who my favorite person was, I would answer immediately: someone like Micchan. If God asked me what kind of person I wanted to become, I would answer immediately: someone like Micchan.
I still cannot forget the sky turning white at dawn as I watched it while crying and shouting, "Micchan!!!"
I was just being used and discarded.
But I couldn't even resent the other person, and as I held onto an unhealable sadness, I remember thinking back then that I hoped someone would think of me like that someday.
From there, I became interested in Christian literature, and the next person I arrived at was Ayako Miura.
But the two are actually fundamentally different.
Ayako Miura's Christianity was something she chose of her own will, whereas Shusaku Endo's Christianity was something imposed on him by his parents.
I read a lot of both.
While Ayako Miura chose it herself and firmly integrated it into her life,
Shusaku Endo continued to believe while harboring human suffering—doubting, wanting to abandon it, and feeling guilty...
That aspect of him touched my heart more deeply.
I thought those who were Christian from the start would have deeper faith and no doubts, but it turns out it's the opposite.
I visited the Shusaku Endo Literary Museum in Nagasaki many times by myself, and I would cry whenever I saw the sunset over the Sumonada Sea.
Even though humans are so sorrowful,
Lord, the sea is so blue.
Wasn't it really painful to live at that age?
At that time, even though I was a psychology major, I was suffering deeply in my heart, and it didn't heal for about 15 years after that.
Psychology did not save my heart.
Indulging in one's own subjectivity is fun, but
I didn't realize back then that it wasn't the reality of the world.
No, Albert Ellis said it clearly, but I guess I was just someone who didn't get it. Sorry.
Perhaps you can't absorb the "how-to" until you've properly healed your emotions.
Maybe the relationship between novels and how-to books is one of complementarity.
I want to tell the me who was crying at that dawn:
Even though you won't be good at partnerships even after 20 years, it's okay because you can stabilize your mental health, improve your relationship with your parents, and come to understand love and happiness.
