People who cannot read the room. Those who only talk about themselves will be ignored by everyone! 😭

In this episode, I would like to unravel why it is that even though you live in a society where everyone is satisfied and there are no problems, you still end up feeling lonely.
I want to explore those aspects.

In the United States, there is a survey called "In Search of Intimacy" that was conducted on about 30,000 lonely people.

There is a book that very clearly explains what kind of people end up being lonely.
I would like to introduce it to you.

Simply put, the title of the book is "How to Become Intimate."

Now, the question is, what did they do?
They conducted a survey in a fourth-grade elementary school class, asking,
"Who is your favorite person in the class?"

Well, this might be an impossible experiment to conduct today, but...
They collected the surveys asking, "Who is your favorite child?"
Among them, they took the child who received the most votes and was said to be "liked by everyone"

and a child who did not receive a single vote and was, if anything, rejected and likely disliked, and had them enter a class where they were completely unknown...

Two psychologists named Klein and Flip entered the classroom to observe them.

Then, after about three weeks, something strange happened.
The child who was liked, after about three weeks, had indeed
reached a "liked position,"

and began to play a leadership role in the class.
Everyone listened to their opinions, and conversely, they also listened intently to others, demonstrating great leadership.

However, the "disliked child" did not listen to others at all.

For example, in a story from the book, the children decided to play charades, where one child would act something out and everyone would guess what it was.

They were discussing it and the mood was set for the game to begin, but let's call the boy who didn't receive any votes "Carl."

Carl, almost completely unaware of the mood of the game, said,
"Hey, look! I bought new shoes! Don't you think they're amazing? Aren't they cool?"

He kept trying to draw attention only to himself, saying, "Look, look, don't you think my shoes are amazing?" His focus was on how much attention he could get for himself, rather than on the mood his friends were enjoying or what everyone else was concentrating on.

So, children who aren't played with, rather than trying to blend in with the group,
pour all their energy into "how to get attention directed at themselves."

When that happens, it's not fun for the other children.
"Why? Why bring that up at a time like this?"
"We're all having fun right now."
That's the kind of feeling it becomes.

There are people like this, aren't there?
"Why are you talking about that now?" People who only talk about themselves...

So for Carl, he had no interest in his friends,
and no interest in the game.

In short, the important thing was just how much everyone would show interest in him
and say, "Carl! Amazing! Those are cool shoes!"
That was actually the only thing on his mind.

It means they are indifferent to the other person.
That is what these people, Klein and Phipps, are saying.

The characteristics of children who are not included in the group are actually often seen in adults who become lonely.
That is what this book is saying.

In short, what kind of person are they? They are people who focus the conversation on themselves,
never listen to what their peers are saying, and if someone else is talking, they immediately
interrupt by saying, 'Oh! That reminds me!'

And they are always appealing to others about their own thoughts, what they find fun,
what they are doing right now, and how amazing they are,
without listening to anyone else at all, and they just keep talking about that forever.

So in that sense, they are saying that there are people who start talking without considering the overall mood.

Klein and Phipps say that this is often seen in narcissists who 'don't listen to others because they are lonely.'
That is what they are saying.

There are parents who 'cannot connect even when they are with their family!'
In short, they are only interested in themselves.

For example, to someone who is depressed about their future,
'Did you hear? So-and-so from the neighborhood got married!' 'That's great.'
'So-and-so had a baby!'
and so on...

They don't look at their own child's expression, or perhaps the child has come home from school looking dejected.

The reason they are dejected might be that they were told something terrible by a teacher at school.
Or perhaps there is a possibility they were bullied.

Or it could be that they are filled with sadness because a dear friend is moving away.

Or even if it's not about school, it might be that their beloved pet dog has passed away.

You have no idea at all.
But in terms of the mood, the mother only talks about the neighborhood,
ignoring the fact that 'Oh! This child is feeling down.'

'That person did this! And that!'
They are indifferent to the child's face (expression) that asks, 'What happened?'

In this sense, how should I put it...
It's like they can't read the other person's face.
They can only see themselves.

For example, how would you feel if you saw someone say to a friend who just said, 'I broke up with my partner,'
'I'm dating someone, and it's so much fun!'

Everyone.
You would think, 'What is wrong with this person? Can't they read the room?'

This is what we call 'not being able to read the room.'

For example, to someone who says, 'I'm tired of life,'
like that guy Carl earlier, they ignore the mood and say, 'I made a killing in the stock market the other day!'

They are completely focused on 'how fun and interesting I am,'
'Look at me!'

In the end, to him who is feeling down,
they keep talking with their own high energy, saying,
“If you just had money, your worries would blow away!”

Naturally, they end up with the feeling that “there is no point in being with this person,”
and as a result, they end up in “loneliness”...

They are appealing by saying,
“Look at me!”
“Aren’t I amazing!”

People who end up being abandoned by everyone are, just as
Klein and Flip say, narcissists who can only see themselves, and they inevitably end up lonely.

So, perhaps like Carl, the feeling of “I want you to understand me!”
takes priority, and they become unable to consider the other person’s feelings, the atmosphere, or the other person’s perspective.

Reading the room means always thinking about the other person and their perspective.

For example, even if you are on the top floor of a luxury apartment, when your wife is feeling lonely, that loneliness is, in short, not about luxury furniture or where you live.

It is lonely when you cannot connect your hearts like that, isn't it?

At that time, the husband says,
“We live in such a luxury apartment, surrounded by such luxury furniture, what on earth are you lonely about?”
This is what is often said.

There are times when you are told something like,
“Even when I am with you, I only feel you through a glass wall.”

“It’s like I’m talking to someone on the other side of a glass wall...”

Even if you are sent to a good school and wear beautiful clothes,
there are times when you feel, “I cannot connect my heart with my family.”

But “self-centered parents” do not try to see that world of the heart, and instead say,
“I’m sending you to a good school, aren't I!”
“I’m driving you to and from cram school, aren't I!”
“You couldn't have such a good life otherwise!”
“Your clothes are brand name, aren't they!”

They only see things, nothing else.

What we counselors want to see clearly is
“the depths of that child’s heart.”

That is why we counselors, before looking at the facts, since we do not know what happened to the other person,
first practice “listening.”

True love in a family is the attitude of trying to listen to that.
That is what is actually important.

If you are only obsessed with things, have money, are successful,
and are living such a good life,
and you are saying, “What is there to be unhappy about?”

Eventually, like that Carl, you might think money and status are absolute!

But you know,
what is absolute to you may not be absolute to the other person.
That is a possibility.

Always take a step back and think, 'What happened to this person?'
'What are they feeling lonely about?'...

I believe that people who try to understand are what friendship and family are all about.

If you feel like you 'cannot connect with others's hearts,'
is there someone among you who can listen like a psychological counselor?

No, the question is, do you possess such skills?
That is what it comes down to.

If you don't have them, please come to my school.
Just being together doesn't make you family,
just being together doesn't make you lovers,
just being together doesn't make it friendship,

What is truly important is to understand the other person's heart.
If you don't know how to listen in that way,
you should come and learn if you ever get the chance.

Today's talk is about, 'Are you really trying to listen to what is important?'
'Are you trying to read the room of the person who matters to you...?'

Like the boy in the class who is disliked, as mentioned at the beginning, don't fail to read the room, talk only about yourself, and steal the conversation from the other person.

And if you go on and on about how well you are doing and how successful you are, the result may be that while your life is overflowing with material things,
your heart might actually be disliked by others.

I hope today serves as a good opportunity for you to think about that.

If you are lonely and feel like 'no one understands me,'
please come to my school once.
Let's listen to each other.

If you found today's talk insightful,
please 'like' and 'subscribe'.

Thank you for reading this note to the end!
😊