Otomo Sorin is selfish, but my retainers don't hurt me (Stand-up comedy style)

Sorin: Oh dear, oh dear.

Author: What's the matter?

Sorin: That new priest, Cabral, says he can do name fortune-telling and wants me to tell him my real name.

Author: Huh!? Isn't your name 'Sorin'?

Sorin: That's right. 'Sorin' is actually short for 'Kyuan Sorin'. I put my determination to drive Mori Motonari out of Kyushu into that name. That was my peak, so everyone calls me by the abbreviation 'Sorin'.

Author: Oh, I see. That makes sense.

Sorin: But you know, I changed my name about 13 times. My retainers were so confused.

Author: That's a bit much. You passed away at 58, so that means you were changing your name about once every four years. Your retainers must have had a hard time.

Sorin: But you want to change your name, right? When you fail at something. It's embarrassing if the news says, 'The mastermind behind the incident is [Name],' and it's the same name, isn't it? I didn't want people to look at me and think, 'Oh, it's this guy again.' Every time I asked my subordinates, 'What do you think?', they'd say, 'It's wonderful! It's cool!' so I got carried away.

Author: That sounds like something an unsuccessful celebrity or comedian would think of. Your retainers should have stopped you. Well, since we're on the subject, tell me the names you changed to.

Sorin: In my childhood, it was Shiohoshimaru.

Author: Your father really liked 'Shio-something', didn't he? I recall your third son was also named Shioichimaru.

Sorin: Next was Goro. I took that from Goro Noguchi of the Three Greats.

Author: That generation!? Like Hiromi Go!?

Sorin: Then Ashikaga Yoshiharu gave me a name too, Yoshishige.

Author: Ah, that name is also famous.

Sorin: After that, it was Shintaro. I took it from Shintaro Katsu. Xavier gave me some weird medicine and I got hooked on it. I kept it in my pants.

Author: Seriously!! You're leaning too hard into the Zatoichi guy.

Sorin: Anyway, I reflected on things and became Kyuan Sorin. That was my peak. I made a fortune in FX and collected tons of family treasures.

Author: FX!? That's amazing.

(Note: It is said that the Otomo clan was involved in the exchange of silver and gold...)

Sorin: After that, I lost to the Shimazu. Soteki, Ensai, right?

Author: That sounds a bit sad.

Sorin: From there, I became Portuguese-style, 'Furan' (Fran).

Author: Portuguese-style!? And is that a phonetic equivalent? I can't think of any characters. The only one that came to mind was the 'putrefaction' kanji.

Sorin: How rude. I named it after the Frankish cannon. Sounds strong, doesn't it?

Author: No, that's a bad one. It's the same logic as a foreigner wearing a shirt with embarrassing kanji on it.

Sorin: From there, I divorced my legal wife Isabel and took her lady-in-waiting as my wife.

Author: Things are getting complicated~.

Sorin: Genhisai, Sangensai, Sanhisai, right~.

Author: You're too obsessed with 'Sai'! Why 'Sai'? It's like the vibe of Happosai, the perverted old man from Ranma 1/2!

Sorin: Finally, there's my baptismal name, Don Francisco~. I admired Xavier.

Author: Come to think of it, there is a sweet called 'Xavier', isn't there?

Sorin: That's delicious, isn't it? I mean, they should pay me royalties.

Author: Xavier, you mean? Sorin-san, your sweet is from Kikuya. There is a sweet called 'Don Francisco'.

Sorin: Which one is tastier?

Author: That's what you're focused on!? That's what you're curious about!? 😐 Hmm, they are both delicious baked goods.

Sorin: I don't want to lose to Xavier.

Author: The way you put that! The confectionery companies will get the wrong idea!

Sorin: Kikuya-san. I'm waiting for my sweets.

Author: Shut up! Anyway, the new priest, Cabral. I don't see him anywhere.

Sorin: The new priest is already right there.

Author: Huh!?

When I look in the direction Sorin is pointing, a priest wearing a camouflage cloak is standing next to a tree, holding a gun.

Author: What! Since when?

Cabral: Hey, freeze (Don't move, you son of a b****).

Mr. Sorin, are you friend? (Mr. Sorin, are you a friend?)

Sorin: Yes.

Author: They're talking. They can talk?

(Note: It was actually Latin, but please forgive the artistic license.)

Cabral: Hey, Sorin. What are you name? F*** you.

Author: F*** you!?

Sorin: Oh, Cabral. Yes. My name is 'Goro, Yoshishige, Kyuan Sorin, Shintaro, Soteki, Ensai, Furan, Genhisai, Sangensai, Sanhisai. Don Francisco.'

Cabral: Oh s***! (What was that?)

Oh my god! (I don't understand Japanese. And it's too long.)

.........

Great long name. (I'll just compliment him for now.)

Wonderful. That's good.

Sorin: Thank you.

(Note: Father Cabral was a former soldier and apparently looked down on the Japanese. He also accompanied them into battle and apparently gave Sorin advice on warfare. It is said that his subordinates disliked this, fought on their own, and were defeated, which was one of the reasons for the fall of the Otomo clan.)

Author: He's a bit of an annoying priest, isn't he?

Sorin: You think so? He's a former soldier, so he's quite capable. He taught me that killing in battle is not a sin in the eyes of God.

Author: Is that so? (Really!?)

Sorin: I've met many priests, but none are as knowledgeable about warfare as he is. He was even cooperative in helping me acquire guns, cannons, and warships. I ended up spending most of the national budget on buying warships.

Author: I see.

Sorin: If only I had those warships... I could have defeated the Shimazu in no time. 'Wave Motion Gun, fire!' and all that.

Author: No, that's Space Battleship Yamato! That's sci-fi anime!

Sorin: I was planning on buying about two of them. They all sank in a typhoon. All the money I made from FX trading went down the drain.

Author: That's a shame.

Sorin: The only thing that actually arrived was the cannon. But I was so happy. I thought, 'Now I'm safe'.

Author: Don't tell me, the name of that cannon is...!?

Author & Sorin: Kunikuzushi (Country Destroyer)!

It is said that the cause of the Otomo clan's downfall was Sorin receiving baptism from Father Cabral. What the truth actually was, there is no way of knowing now.

Please try both Xavier and Don Francisco to see which one tastes better.