#74 Even as a parent, you are a first-grader: Parent and child are classmates
The Soto school of Zen, which is the sect of my own family,
was founded in Japan by
Zen Master Dogen.
Among the books he wrote is
the Shobogenzo (Treasury of the True Dharma Eye).In the chapter on the Sansuikyo (Mountains and Waters Sutra) within that work,
the term 'Shoji Genjo' (the manifestation of the child) appears.When thinking about the parent-child relationship, it is obvious that
the parent exists first, and from there the child is born.
It is a fact that without a parent, a child cannot be born.
But what about the reverse?
Without a child, does a parent not exist either?
Also, it is obvious that
a person before having a child, even if they are an adult, is not a parent.
It is only by the birth of a child that one becomes a parent.
In other words, parent and child are born at the same time.
Even if a person has lived for decades,
when a child is born, they become a newcomer as a parent.
They are a brand-new first-grader at parenting. 🤭
Naturally, the parent is older than the child.
They know more things than the child.
However, since they are a first-grader as a parent,
and since parent and child are classmates,
neither of you knows anything.
Therefore, while the parent raises the child,
there are also times when the parent is raised by the child.
Furthermore, children grow
much faster than their parents.
So, it is only natural that
a parent cannot understand the feelings of a child in puberty.
Raising a child brings many joys.
At the same time, it also brings many hardships.
Raising a person is not a simple matter,
and it does not progress through nice words alone.
Because I am a parent, I must be strong, I think to myself,
even though no one told me to.
And because of that, I might
push myself more than necessary.
Why won't they listen to what I say?
Why, even though I love them so much, does it not get through?
These thoughts lead to mounting frustration,
causing me to say harsh things,
which in turn makes me even more frustrated,
and I suffer in this negative cycle.
Therefore, as Dogen says,
the parent is also a brand-new first-grader, and parent and child are the same age.
Please, do not forget this.
Because there is a parent, there is a child.
Because there is a child, there is a parent.
Parent and child are beings who learn and live together,
and through each other's existence,
we exist here now as parent and child.
Since you are both new, newcomers, and first-graders,
it is natural to make mistakes.
It is natural to fail.
There is nothing to lament.
Without rushing, let us learn together slowly. 🥰