To the me who thought 'I must not be a burden'
You must not be a burden to others.
Ever since I was a child,
I had always thought so.
You must not be a burden to others.
That is why I couldn't rely on anyone even when I was in trouble.
I was also bad at asking for favors.
I tried to manage everything on my own as much as possible.
That was the kind of person I was.
But looking back now,
what was tormenting me,
was not 'having been a burden',
but perhaps it was being too afraid of becoming a burden.
'I don't want to be a pushy person'
The mother I saw as a child
Looking back, I think my mother's influence played a part in this belief.
My mother was someone who would express what she thought without hesitation.
At a restaurant,
even if it said,
'Please write your name and wait,'
she would just walk straight into the shop. The shop staff
"Huh...?"
Even as a child, I could tell they were bewildered.
Even when asking acquaintances in the trade for favors,
there were times when she wouldn't bend her wishes, even if the other person looked troubled.
Thinking back on it now, I believe that was just my mother's way of living.
But at the time,
I was so embarrassed to watch it.
"I don't want to end up like this."
I swung to the opposite extreme.
I even started holding back from asking for help.
Children,
in their desire not to become like their parents,
sometimes swing too far in the opposite direction.
I was the same.
"I don't want to be a pushy person."
That thought was so strong,
that I even started holding back from asking people for favors.
Relying on others is a burden.
Depending on others is a burden.
I have to manage on my own as much as possible.
That is how,
I gradually became someone who kept everything to herself.
Even so, I have lived my life being helped by others.
Looking back, I have always been supported.
But it is strange.
Even though I am like that,
when I look back on my life,
I have been saved many times by the kindness of others.
Back when I was living alone in college,
there were a few days left until my allowance arrived.
I only had 50 yen in my wallet.
When I told them that,
the adults I was close with at the time
"You can pay me back when you're successful."
they said, and treated me to a meal,
or everyone chipped in their spare change to help me out.
I have always,
lived surrounded by the kindness of many people.
And yet,
"I must not rely on others."
That feeling alone,
was hard to let go of.
The day I learned to 'surrender' with my body
Peace of mind could not be created alone
The other day, I participated in a real-life training session.
There,
I experienced a workshop called
'trusting others'.
Standing on a chair,
and falling backward.
Behind me, my peers linked their arms,
and everyone caught me together.
Since I love thrill rides (lol),
the act of jumping itself wasn't scary at all.
'This looks fun!'
That was the feeling I had while standing there.
But the first time,
I felt something off the moment I jumped.
Even though I wasn't nervous myself,
I could feel the tension of everyone behind me.
I wondered, 'Will they really be able to catch me?'
I could feel that kind of atmosphere.
In the end, that exercise had to be done over.
And then, the second time.
My feelings hadn't changed at all.
But,
everyone behind me had changed.
'We will definitely catch you.'
That kind of resolve came through to me.
The moment I jumped,
the sense of security was completely different.
'Ah, it's okay.'
That's what I was able to think.
Trusting others isn't something you can do alone.
What I truly learned
For a long time,
'I have to become someone who can rely on others.'
That's what I thought.
But what I realized this time was,
that it's not just the person relying on others who has to do their best.
A place where you can safely entrust yourself,
requires the resolve of those who catch you as well.
Entrusting,
and catching.
Only when both are present,
does 'peace of mind' truly emerge.
The team I am working with now,
I realized, is surely aiming for this state.
So that someone can take on challenges with peace of mind,
everyone around them
'It's okay, I've got you.'
a team that can think that way.
Because it is such a place,
people can demonstrate their true potential.
That is what I felt.
To the me of the past,
'I must not be a burden.'
To you who thought that way.
Relying on others,
was not a weakness.
It wasn't just being dependent, either.
And,
letting go and trusting others,
was not just a courage for those who take the leap.
It is something born only when there is a readiness in the person who catches you.
Through this training,
I was taught that with my whole being.
That is why I think now.
Trying hard on your own is not the only form of strength.
Trusting someone and letting go.
And,
becoming someone whom others can safely lean on.
I want to be that kind of person.
From now on,
that is what I believe.