On days when another version of yourself blames you, it's good to take your time and have a conversation with that part of you.

◾️ A day spent feeling blue

Today was a blue day where another version of myself inside me was blaming me incessantly.
Even though no one had said anything to me, and nothing in my situation had changed, I felt unbearably depressed.

I spent the day feeling miserable, but finally, around the evening, I felt like I should face the version of me that was blaming me.

◾️ About the other me inside me

The version of me that blames me is a very twisted and negative person who appears every now and then.
She is someone who directs harsh words at me that I would never even think of saying to anyone else.
For example, today she said things like this.

※ All of these are things that the other version of me inside is saying to me.
“There’s no way a newlywed, childless woman in her late 20s will succeed in job hunting.”
“You’re just going to quit once you start trying for a baby and take maternity leave, aren’t you? You’re so irresponsible.”
“Even if you change jobs, you’ll just think you’re too busy to even consider trying for a baby. Your husband must be miserable.”
“When are you actually going to try for a baby? Your parents are going to pressure you again.”
“You knew this would happen when you quit your job.”
“You should have planned your career more strategically.”

Ah, just remembering it makes me sad.
But you know, I’ve never thought things like this about anyone else.
No matter how much you plan a career, things don’t always go as expected. It’s very common for women in their late 20s to be torn between job hunting and trying for a baby, and it’s not unusual at all. Of course, I think there are people who can proceed strategically, but at the very least, now that things are this way, I have no choice but to make the best decision based on my current situation, I think calmly.
But the other version of me only says these things to me—things that can’t be helped now—and keeps picking at me, which is the usual pattern that makes me feel blue.

◾️ What I talked about with the other me

So today, I tried talking to the other version of myself, asking why she says such things.
It turned out to be a version of me from around college age, before I had ever worked.
She was a version of me who thought she was capable and believed she could steer her life exactly as she wanted, and she had high expectations for herself.
She seemed to be angry at the current me for not being like that, saying, “Get your act together! You’re not doing anything right!”

Once I started working, I realized I was actually bad at time management and would throw myself recklessly into things once I got hooked. I’m clumsy until I get used to things, but I have good comprehension and am the type to be valued once I get the hang of it.
While I want to control my own life, I also really want to consider my husband’s feelings and consult with him as I move forward. I want to live prioritizing my family over my career.
She was a perfectionist, young version of me, filled with ideals, who didn’t acknowledge the current me at all.

I told her that it was true that because she was so ambitious and perfectionistic, I am where I am today, and there were many things I was able to work hard at, and all the choices I’ve made until now were the best ones. And I told her that I understand, I really do, that she has that desire to seek perfection.
After all, I don’t want to cause trouble for others because of myself. I was raised to not cause trouble for others, and I am an honor student who faithfully follows that.
It’s only natural to think that I should value both my career and my family.
It’s fine to keep all of that, and it’s natural to think that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for the current me to be hurt. I told her that we should consult together while sharing our various feelings as I proceed with my job search, and that we should cooperate to make the best decision.
As I talked in my head, my blue feelings settled down.

◾️ In closing

I thought that perhaps becoming an adult means properly engaging in dialogue with the other version of yourself inside, becoming friends, and having that part of you become your greatest ally.
When I feel blue about the past or the future, it’s usually because the other version of me inside is saying this and that. Now that I know from experience that almost no one else actually says anything to me, I realize that the person I need to face most is myself.
I want to tame the version of myself inside that doesn’t hurt me, but instead supports me and acknowledges my hard work. I wonder if a happy daily life lies beyond that—I wonder.