[Project Participation] Old Memories I Remember

[What is the
oldest memory you remember?]

Is that memory
a scene,
something someone said to you,
a scent,
a breeze,

or what kind of sensation is it recalled with?

I recalled the scene of putting my shoes in the shoe locker when I first went to kindergarten.

At that time, the memory is stored without any sound.

The duckboards laid out in the shoe locker and the dust.

Ah, this is another world.

But I held it in, telling myself it was just a temporary kindergarten until the new one was built.

But it wasn't because it was a temporary kindergarten,

that shoe locker must have been the entrance to another world, away from my parents.

I was someone who couldn't fit into kindergarten or school like everyone else.

(The kanji for 'everyone' (minna). The white of comparison.
　In Showa-era kindergartens, children were constantly being compared, weren't they?)

Entering kindergarten means I was four. That's not my oldest memory.

We moved in the same year I entered kindergarten.

I also remembered a scene from the apartment we lived in before we moved.

My mother would go shopping at the supermarket with my sister, who was three years younger than me, and tell me, 'Big sister, stay home alone. Don't cry.'

I don't have any memories of staying home alone before that, nor of crying, but I know I was always crying because of what my mother said when she returned. After crying that day, I turned on the TV for the first time to distract myself. There were no children's programs on, so I watched women's volleyball and spent the time without crying.

To my words, 'I didn't cry,' she replied,
'The lady downstairs said you were crying.'

I guess I wanted to be praised.
Since I had stopped crying, the lady downstairs and my mother didn't need to say that.

Now, I understand how hard it was for my mother to raise two small children on her own.

The bear's head reminded me of an even older memory online.

It wasn't me who had a bandage on my head.

It was my father.

My father came home with a friend with a bandage wrapped around his head, but
he looked like a complete stranger to me.
Or rather, he didn't look like the father I had known until then. He looked like someone else entirely.
I was scared and hid behind my mother.

When Ayashimo-san's younger brother was born,
because of the memory of walking to the hospital with your grandmother,

I also remembered the time my mother was away for my younger sister's birth.

It was time to go to sleep at my grandmother's house, and when she said, "Let's sleep in Grandma's room,"
I stood in front of the closed door and replied, "I always sleep in this room here,"
to which she responded, "Are you going to sleep alone?"

When staying at my grandmother's house,
I think I just wanted to tell her that I always sleep in this room on the first floor with my mom and dad.

My grandmother opened the door for me, but
it was a dark, damp, and cold June reception room with thick curtains drawn.
It made the absence of my parents feel even more real.

My mother's hospital stay was prolonged after my sister's birth, and
I also slept in my aunt's bed while she was still at my grandmother's house.

The reason I remember that is because

in the morning, I am looking up from the floor at my aunt sleeping in the bed.

I couldn't understand it at all.

Why am I sleeping on the floor?

I should have been sleeping in bed, but I'm sleeping on the floor.

Sometimes I'd just stay there because I'd fallen off.

I also can't understand why my aunt is laughing.

But it seems I was sleeping very soundly.

More than the futon in Grandma's room, more than my aunt's bed, I must have slept best on the floor next to my aunt's bed.
(Maybe I was just tired as a child, even before that.)

And it seems my aunt took me to visit my mother in the hospital, but your mother said, "Don't let her into the hospital room!"

I heard that after I became an adult.

Now, I'm starting to remember vaguely, but just like when I faced my father with his head bandaged as written above, I think I hid behind my aunt while looking at my mother, who was in a mother-child room, and didn't try to get any closer to her. I think that was a shock to my mother... Also, I think there was guilt inside my mother. I understand that now. But, I might have felt abandoned as a young child.

I barely had any memories of the hospital room, but I think the feeling of being abandoned and not being accepted grew when I was always left home alone after she was discharged.

By the way, my 11-year-old daughter has never been left home alone. In this day and age, there is no option to leave a child home alone before entering elementary school, and (I think it depends on the family, but it's a no-go in the US due to state laws, right?) I understand that in the lower grades, she might say, "I'm lonely by myself. I want to play with Grandpa," but when she gets to the 3rd or 4th grade, I personally think, "It's just for a little while, so just do your homework and stay home," but she hates it.

When I ask my mom friends, they say, "Mom, I'm lucky to be left alone! I'm doing what I like." In our house, I'm doing what I like even when Mom is there, so I guess there's nothing special she wants to do while Mom is away.

When she was in kindergarten, I would leave her at her grandparents' house for overnight stays, and when I came back and asked something like, "Weren't you lonely?" she would say, "It was fun! I knew Mom would come back."

I see. Maybe I thought my mother might not come back. Maybe I was crying in anticipation of that sadness.

Maybe I was afraid that the person who went out might come back as a different person, in an unhealthy state, like my father with his bandaged head.

My father's head wound healed quickly. But the shock must have been greater for a young child. Not just for the young child, but for my father and mother as well.

And old memories are made not only of what you experienced, but also of stories you heard later, aren't they?

From Kuma-san's comment to Ohitachi-san's article. Why don't you all write about it too? Kuma-san, Ohitachi-san, I've called out to you without permission!"

Humans are, in a way, made of memories.

When moving forward, old memories sometimes surface.

Even when you are full of motivation, you might remember things that were painful, sad, or lonely,
and feel as though you cannot move forward or are being held back.

In order to move forward, things that need to be let go of surface.

It is not so much that the memories themselves are bad,
but rather that memories have become linked to emotions or beliefs,
or that by locking them away deep inside,
emotions have become hardened or beliefs have been reinforced.

When an old wound throbs,
it is a chance to let go and be liberated.

Yesterday was the second new moon of May.

Why not take this opportunity to recall some old memories?

For those experiencing intense upheaval or whose inner child will not stop crying,
please borrow the strength of others or nature.

Even if you were raised without any hardships, there are still wounds.
I am someone who has cried and cried and cried, and is now experiencing the optimal sense of distance.
There are things I can help you with.

#TheOldestMemoryIRemember