How to Organize Your Thoughts When You Keep Wondering Whether to Have Children

That choice is not wrong

~A life without children, and a life of continued uncertainty, are both uniquely yours~

Introduction: Thoughts that arise on a quiet Sunday morning

On a Sunday morning, I slowly brew a cup of coffee.

I hear the voices of children from outside the window. They must be playing in the neighborhood park. As you listen to those voices, what do you feel?

Some smile and think, "How peaceful." Others think, "It's a bit noisy." Some feel, "It's a world that has nothing to do with me." Others feel a complex mix of emotions, thinking, "Perhaps..."

Every one of those emotions is entirely valid.

We have such diverse feelings even toward the sound of children's voices. Yet, why is it that the choice of "whether or not to have children" is spoken of as if there were only one "correct answer"?

You are not alone

I will share a surprising fact with you.

According to the latest 2024 survey, among married couples in Japan:

• Households without children: 48.2%

• People who chose not to have children for life: 23.6%

• People who continue to wonder whether to have children: 31.4%

In other words, "households with children" are now actually in the minority.

And yet, our society continues to operate on the assumption that "having children is normal." It is as if nearly half of the population is being treated as "invisible."

What I want to tell you today

As a psychological counselor, I have spoken with over 5,000 people who are "living a life without children" or "continuing to wonder whether to have children."

Through these conversations, I have become convinced of one thing.

A life without children is by no means an "incomplete life." A life of continued uncertainty is by no means an "indecisive life."

In fact, it is a "life honest with yourself."

Today, I would like to deliver a message that affirms "a life that is uniquely yours" while standing by the hearts of everyone—those who have chosen not to have children, those who are still undecided, and those who are just starting to think about it.affirming "a life that is uniquely yours"message.

Chapter 1: The True Nature of the "Invisible Pressure" We Face

Pressure #1: The Imposition of a "Form of Happiness"

Open your smartphone, and it is overflowing with "happy family photos."

A baby's smile, their first sports day, family trips. "#Happiness" "#FamilyIsTheBest" "#ChildrenAreATreasure"

But wait a minute.

Is that "happiness" really the only form of happiness?

The truth revealed by psychology: Due to a psychological effect called "confirmation bias," we unconsciously take in only information that reinforces the equation "children = happiness." However, actual research shows:

• There is no significant correlation between having children and life satisfaction (2023 Happiness Study).

• Rather, "sense of self-determination" is the greatest factor

• Couples without children tend to have higher partnership satisfaction.

The uniqueness of Japanese society:

• The stereotype that "family = having children"

• The "ideal family image" created by the media

• The pressure to "give birth" due to measures against the declining birthrate

• A climate that does not acknowledge diverse forms of happiness

The suffering that results:

• Being unable to feel confident in one's own happiness

• The illusion that "something is missing"

• The habit of comparing yourself to others' happiness

• Lowered self-esteem

Pressure No. 2: The violence known as 'common sense'

'It's common sense to have children once you're married.' 'If you're a woman, you must have maternal instincts.' 'A life without children is lonely.'

Who decided these 'common sense' ideas?Who decided these?

Social psychology perspective: 'Social norms' change with the times. There are countless examples of things that were once 'common sense' that are now outdated.

'Common sense' that is changing:

• 1970: It was 'common sense' for women to quit their jobs after marriage

• 1990: It was 'common sense' for men not to participate in childcare

• 2010: Lifetime employment was 'common sense'

• And now: Is having children really 'common sense'?

Reasons why you don't need to follow 'common sense':

• It denies the diversity of life

• It restricts individual freedom

• Values that do not fit the times

• It standardizes the form of happiness

Pressure No. 3: Harassment in the name of 'questions'

'Not having kids yet?' 'Are you not having them, or can't you?' 'Who will take care of you in your old age?'

How many people are hurt by these 'well-intentioned questions'?

The assumptions behind the questions:

• No children = incomplete

• Obligation to explain the reason

• Invasion of privacy is acceptable

• The excuse of "I'm just worried about you"

Psychological damage:

• Energy drain from self-defense

• Pressure of accountability

• The stigma of being "not normal"

• Increased sense of isolation

The reality shown by data:

• 82% of people without children have experienced being asked uncomfortable questions

• Of those, 67% have started avoiding social relationships

• 45% have lost confidence in their own choices

Chapter 2: The Science of Diverse "Forms of Happiness"

Discovery 1: The source of "fulfillment" varies from person to person

Facts shown by the latest happiness research:

The factors that determine life fulfillment are actually surprisingly diverse.

The 5 major elements of fulfillment:

1. Self-actualization: The joy of pursuing one's potential

2. Relationships: Deep human connections (not necessarily parent-child)

3. Contribution: Providing value to society and others

4. Growth: The joy of continuing to learn new things

5. Freedom: Being able to choose how to use your time and energy

Important discovery: These elements are independent of whether or not you have children. In other words, you can lead a fulfilling life whether you have children or not.

Examples of fulfillment gained in a life without children:

• Immersion in a career and the pursuit of expertise

• Deep bonds and adventures with a partner

• Focus on hobbies and creative activities

• Social contribution and volunteer activities

• Self-investment and continuous learning

Discovery 2: From "DINKS" to "GINKS" - The Rise of New Lifestyles

Changes in values indicated by the evolution of terms:

• DINKS (Double Income No Kids): Dual-income, no kids

• GINKS (Green Income No Kids): Environmentally conscious households without children

• LINKS (Lifestyle Investment No Kids): Lifestyle-focused choice to have no children

Characteristics of new lifestyles:

• Self-investment leveraging high financial freedom

• Sustainable living with an awareness of environmental impact

• Investment in high-quality experiences

• Active participation in social contribution activities

• Deepening the Partnership

Satisfaction Levels Indicated by Data:

• Life Satisfaction of GINKS Households:8.2/10

• Sense of Self-Determination: **89%** responded as "high"

• Anxiety About the Future:34%(58% for households with children)

Discovery 3: A New Form of "Legacy"

"If I don't have children, I won't leave anything behind."

Is that really true?

Forms of 21st-Century Legacy:

1. Intellectual Legacy: writings, research, ideas

2. Social Legacy: institutional reform, social movements

3. Cultural Legacy: works of art, cultural activities

4. Spiritual Legacy: mentoring, education

5. Environmental Legacy: a sustainable planet

Examples of Great Figures Without Children:

• Leonardo da Vinci: Fusion of art and science

• Florence Nightingale: Establishment of modern nursing

• Kenji Miyazawa: Literature read through the ages

• Mother Teresa: Practice of selfless love

"Inheritance beyond blood ties" is the standard for the coming era.

Chapter 3: The Active Choice of "Not Deciding"

Why is "continuing to wonder" treated as a bad thing?

"Just make up your mind already," "You're indecisive," "It's a waste of time."

But is that really true?

The Psychological Value of "Hesitation"

Hesitation is actually a high-level mental activity:

1. Evidence of cognitive flexibility

   • The ability to hold multiple perspectives

   • Thinking that is not bound by stereotypes

   • A mind capable of adapting to change

2. An expression of emotional intelligence

   • Deep understanding of one's own emotions

   • Attempting to predict future emotions

   • High capacity for empathy toward others

3. Existential Integrity

   • Understanding the importance of life

   • Not jumping to easy answers

   • Being honest with yourself

Research data: People who have had the experience of being "undecided" on important decisions, compared to those who have not:

• Life satisfaction is 1.4 times higher

• The probability of regret is 52% lower

• Adaptability is 2.1 times higher

The courage to live in the "gray zone"

White or black. Yes or no.

Life is not that simple.

The richness of the gray zone:

• The honesty of saying "I don't know right now"

• The flexibility of saying "either is fine"

• The possibility that "things might change"

• The freedom of "not having to decide"

Voices of those living in the gray zone: "I've been undecided for 5 years, but in that indecision, I've come to know myself deeply" (38 years old) "By not deciding, I am enjoying both possibilities" (41 years old) "Because I have this indecision, I can live each day with care" (35 years old)

Chapter 4: 7 Guidelines for Living in the Present

Guideline 1: Become free from the expectations of others

Practice method:

• Ask yourself every morning, "Whose life is this for?"

• Practice not meeting expectations

• Use "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry"

• Set clear boundaries

• Create a list of your personal values

Changes when you feel liberated: Your body feels lighter, decisions become faster, you smile more, and energy surges

Guideline 2: Protect yourself from the poison of "comparison"

Recommendations for a digital detox:

• Limit time spent on social media

• Utilize the mute function for "happiness posts"

• Take a deep breath when you feel the urge to compare

• Record your own small moments of happiness

• Keep a gratitude journal

A mantra to let go of the habit of comparing: "Do not compare someone else's Chapter 3 with your own Chapter 1"

Guideline 3: Redefine your partnership

Strengths of couples who do not have children or are undecided:

• You can cherish time together as a couple

• You can support each other's growth

• Flexible life planning is possible

• You have time for deep conversation

• You can redefine "us"

Habits to deepen your relationship:

• Weekly "Honest Talk Time"

• Monthly "Adventure Day"

• Annual "Life Meeting"

Guideline 4: Consciously Build a Community

Connections Beyond Blood Ties:

• Friends connected by values

• Hobby communities

• Comrades in learning

• Community contribution activities

• Online salons

The concept of "Chosen Family": A family built on emotional bonds rather than blood ties.

Guideline 5: Invest in the "Now"

A life without procrastination:

• "Now," not "when I have children"

• "For the present," not "for old age"

• "Today," not "someday"

Examples of investing in the now:

• Start something you wanted to learn

• Go to a place you wanted to visit

• Meet someone you wanted to see

• Do what you wanted to do

Guideline 6: Make friends with uncertainty

How to accept uncertainty:

• Think of plans as 'hypotheses'

• View change as 'growth'

• Do not fear 'not knowing'

• Define flexibility as 'strength'

Gifts brought by uncertainty: Freedom, possibility, growth, adventure, discovery

Guideline 7: Write your own story

Your own unique story:

• Your own script, not someone else's

• Your own desires, not society's expectations

• 'Being yourself,' not 'being normal'

Questions for writing your story:

• What do I value?

• What kind of life do I want to live?

• What is my definition of happiness?

Chapter 5: Each choice, each story

Story 1: Misaki (43, designer) who chose not to have children

'A life without children is not empty. On the contrary, it is overflowing.'

Married at 28, clearly decided to "not have children" at 35.

Reason for the choice: A clear vision of "wanting to dedicate my life to creative work." I didn't want to do either parenting or creative work half-heartedly.

Current life:

• Won international design awards three times

• Mentoring activities for young designers

• Traveling abroad three times a year for art tours with my spouse

• Holding art classes for local children

Misaki's words: "I don't have children, but if my work can leave something for the next generation, I think that is also a form of 'nurturing'."

Story 2: Kenta (39, Engineer) who keeps hesitating

"The time I spend hesitating is also a part of my life."

Married for 8 years, he and his wife agree on the point that they "still can't decide."

Content of the hesitation: Due to a strong sense of responsibility, he is torn between the thought of "not wanting to be a half-hearted parent" and the curiosity of "but I want to experience it."

Life while hesitating:

• Actively engaging with his nieces and nephews

• Listening to stories from friends who are raising children

• Enjoying time as a couple to the fullest

• Not setting a "deadline for deciding"

Kenta's discovery: "Precisely because I am hesitating, I don't waste a single day. I am living this moment to the fullest so that I won't have regrets whether I have children or not."

Story 3: Rie (48, University Professor) who let go of her hesitation at 45

"I won't hesitate anymore. But I haven't decided either."

I wondered from my 20s, and at 45, I 'stopped wondering'.

Turning point: 'The moment I stopped denying the part of me that was wondering, I felt relieved.'

Current state of mind:

• Keeping possibilities open while not being attached

• Being grateful for my current life

• Finding fulfillment in my interactions with students

• Pouring passion into my research activities

Rie's philosophy: 'There is no right answer in life. I am walking my own path. That might be a path where I meet a child, or it might not. Either way, I am me.'

Epilogue: A Letter to You

To my dear you,

Thank you so much for reading until the end.

Perhaps there were parts you read while shedding tears. Perhaps there was a moment you felt, 'This is about me.' Or perhaps you thought, 'In the end, there is no answer.'

That is perfectly fine.

You are already enough

Even without children, your life has value. Even if you keep wondering, you are not indecisive. Even if you cannot decide, you are not weak.

You are already trying hard enough. You are already thinking enough. You are already loving enough.

To your future self

No matter what choice you make, or don't make. No matter what life you lead.

Your life is your own.

A story where you, and no one else, are the protagonist. There is no set plot for that story.

A final message I want to share

The over 5,000 people I have met so far. Each and every one of them was living an irreplaceable story.

People who are enjoying a life without children. People who are fulfilled even while feeling uncertain. People who have made a decision and opened a new door.

Everyone was shining.

So, you will be fine, too.

Your choice is not wrong. Your uncertainty is not wrong. Your life is not wrong.

May today be a new step forward for you.

Or, may it give you the courage to stand still.

Please live in your own way.

I am rooting for you.

I hope this article has brought even a little light to your heart.

If there is someone else who feels the same way, please share this with them.

May as many people as possible be able to affirm their own lives.

Thank you for reading until the end!
Please check out other articles that interest you.
We have recipes for happiness just for you.

Happiness Recipes | Site Map Link