“I’m scared to raise my child alone.” To you, who has become a single mother. How to turn your anxiety into the “strength to build your future family.”
Will I be okay with money?
Can I raise this child properly?
Can I really balance work and parenting?
Because there is no father,
will I make them feel lonely?
If I were to collapse,
what would happen to this child?
Even though I was too busy during the day to think about it,
after the child is asleep,
when the room becomes quiet,
the future suddenly feels scary.
There may be some who have nights like that.
That is why this time,
Re:Mind
will not say,
“It’s okay. It will work out somehow.”
Because,
money,
work,
and parenting,
are things that must be thought about realistically.
However,
there is one thing I want you to try thinking about.
Is that anxiety really just something that makes you suffer?
If you are “anxious about money,”
it becomes a trigger to organize your future life.
If you are “anxious about balancing work,”
it becomes a trigger to prepare an escape route for when you are in trouble.
If you think “I might not be able to do it alone,”
it can also be a trigger to create a “system where you don’t do everything by yourself.”
Anxiety
is not a prophecy of the future.
It is also a state of
imagining the future in your head,
thinking “this might happen.”
If so,
use that imagination,
not to blame yourself,
but to prepare for the future.
Today,
I will talk about that.
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01 | “Can I raise them properly?”
I think there are not a few people
who have this anxiety.
But,
in the first place,
what does “raising them properly” mean?
Making perfect meals every day?
Always having a smile?
Never getting angry even once?
Buying them everything they want?
Participating in all school events?
How many parents are there who can continue such a life
perfectly every day?
Whether in a two-parent family
or a single-parent family,
parents get tired.
There are times when they get angry.
There are days when they don’t have the capacity due to work.
There are even days when dinner is kept simple.
Therefore,
if you make “can I become a perfect mother”
your goal,
there is no end.
What I want to think about instead is,
whether this home is a place where the child can return with peace of mind.
That is the point.
They can return even if they fail.
They can talk if something unpleasant happens.
They can have someone listen if something happy happens.
Even if they get scolded,
they are not denied as a person.
It is the foundation of a home,
which cannot be built with expensive things.
And,
that is not something that can only be built if the mother is perfect.
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02 | “Will this child be unhappy because there is no father?”
I think there are people who feel this anxiety
strongly as well.
There may be people around you
who say, “A child needs a father.”
Of course,
a good relationship with a father
can be important for a child.
But,
what I want to be careful about here is
making it a simple equation of “having both parents = happy”
and “single parent = unhappy.”
The future of a child is not determined entirely by the family structure alone.
What I want to think about instead is what kind of relationship the child is experiencing within that family.
There is an adult they can talk to with peace of mind.
They can get help when they are in trouble.
They can feel that they are cherished.
There is time in the family where they can feel at ease.
Look not at the number of family members,
but also at “what kind of relationship they are growing up in.”
Therefore,
you don’t have to try to become two people by yourself,
thinking, “Since there is no father, I have to do the father’s role perfectly too.”
You are fine
just as you are.
If there is something missing,
you don’t have to fill it all by yourself; you can connect with those around you and supplement it.
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03 | “Will I be okay with money?”
This is an anxiety
that cannot be solved by feelings alone.
That is precisely why,
rather than “trying not to think about it,”
make it visible.
The state of vaguely thinking,
“I might not have money,”
and the state of knowing down to “I need ○ more yen every month”
are not the same anxiety.
First,
try dividing the money necessary for living,
even if it is rough.
Rent.
Food expenses.
Utilities.
Communication expenses.
Insurance.
Childcare/Education.
Transportation expenses.
Other fixed costs.
And,
income.
Public support that can be used.
Support that can be received from those around you.
Expenses that can be cut.
Income that can be increased.
Try putting it into numbers
once.
Not “I won’t look because it’s scary.”
But rather, look because it is scary.
If you know the numbers,
the problem can shrink from
“What should I do with my life?”
to “How do I handle this difference every month?”
Of course,
there are cases that cannot be solved easily.
Even so,
turn vague, enormous anxiety
into concrete problems one by one.
Even just doing that
will change what you think about next.
※Since the systems you can use differ depending on your family situation and municipality, please check with the counter in your local area regarding specific systems.
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04 | “Can I really balance work and parenting?”
In the morning,
send the child off.
Go to work.
Go pick them up.
Make dinner.
Bath.
Laundry.
Put them to sleep.
And the next day,
morning comes again.
Furthermore,
children do not move according to schedule.
Suddenly,
they get a fever.
A call comes from the nursery or school.
You have to take time off work.
Therefore,
what is really necessary for balancing work and parenting
might not be “a schedule that never breaks,” but “a backup plan for when it does break.”
For example,
when a child gets a fever.
The first plan is
for you to take time off.
Then,
what about days you can’t take off?
Is there family you can rely on?
Are there local services you can use?
How will you tell your workplace?
Is there a need to rethink the work itself?
If there is only one route,
the moment that becomes unusable,
everything stops.
But,
if you have a second plan,
or even a third plan,
it is a little different.
A strong family is not a family where nothing happens, but a family that can choose another path when something happens.
You can think of it that way too.
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05 | “What should I do if I collapse?”
I think you don’t have to ignore this anxiety either.
Rather,
precisely because you can think about it now,
prepare in a small way.
Not just the contacts on your smartphone,
but also on paper,
write down people who can be contacted in an emergency.
The child’s nursery or school.
Hospital.
Family.
People you can trust.
Make it so that someone other than yourself
knows where the necessary information is.
You don’t have to make it like an exaggerated disaster prevention plan.
“If I couldn’t move today, who would I contact?”
Have one answer
to this.
Even just that
can turn the anxiety of “there is only me”
into a slightly more realistic preparation.
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06 | Words you want to discard precisely because you are a single mother.
That is,
“I have to do everything.”
Single mother.
Therefore,
I raise my child alone.
You might end up thinking that way.
But,
being a single parent and raising a child alone are not the same thing.
Grandparents.
Siblings.
Friends.
Nursery school.
Kindergarten.
School.
Teachers.
Community.
Administration.
Experts.
Depending on the situation,
former partner.
It is not guaranteed that everything can be used.
There are also people who have few people to rely on.
Therefore,
I cannot easily say,
“Why don’t you just rely on those around you?”
Even so,
increase “hands other than your own”
by even one.
Change parenting
from a job you carry alone,
to something supported by a small team.
It doesn’t have to be a big team from the start.
You + someone else.
Starting from there is fine.
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07 | The feeling of “I feel sorry for my child”
Perhaps,
this might be the most painful one.
“I couldn’t give them a normal family.”
“My choice might make this child suffer.”
“Couldn’t there have been a different life?”
There might be nights you think like that.
But,
here, just once,
try changing the question.
Instead of “How could I have changed the past?”
make it “What one thing can I give this child tomorrow?”
In the morning,
smile and say “Good morning.”
When they come home,
ask “How was your day?”
For just 10 minutes,
put down your smartphone and listen to them.
Eat dinner together.
Before sleeping,
talk about what happened today.
It doesn’t have to be a special event.
Parenting
is not determined by one big correct answer.
Small daily interactions
will accumulate little by little.
Therefore,
turn guilt about the past
into 10 minutes tomorrow.
If it’s that,
you can do it starting today.
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08 | You don’t have to throw away everything about yourself for your child
I think this is
quite important.
Because I am a mother.
Because I have a child.
Because I am single.
Put myself
on the back burner.
Continuing to endure everything
like that.
But,
before being a mother,
you are also a human being.
It is okay to have things you like.
It is okay to have dreams.
It is okay to want to fall in love.
It is okay to have days when you want to be alone.
It is okay to say you are tired.
Of course,
the child’s safety and life are important.
But,
“cherishing the child” and “erasing yourself” are not the same.
The child’s life and
your life.
Both can exist.
Rather,
when the child starts walking their own life little by little,
I want you to have
your own life left as well.
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Re:Mind RESET
5 questions to turn anxiety into “preparation for the future.”
Once you have read this far,
even if it is just a memo on your smartphone,
try writing it down.
① What is the scariest thing right now?
Not “I am anxious about the future,”
but as concretely as possible.
Money?
Work?
The child’s feelings?
Your own physical condition?
Loneliness?
First,
give the anxiety a name.
② Is that anxiety “something you can do today” or “something you cannot do now”?
For example,
what will happen 10 years from now
cannot be decided today.
But,
you can check this month’s expenses.
Not the whole future,
look for the parts you can move.
③ Can you list 3 people/places you can rely on other than yourself?
Even one is fine.
If it is zero,
make creating one your next goal.
④ What is one thing you want to protect in your time with your child?
Eat dinner together every day.
Talk before sleeping.
Take a walk on holidays.
Anything is fine.
Instead of doing everything perfectly,
decide on one thing you “want to cherish.”
⑤ What would make you happy if it were a little easier 3 months from now than it is now?
Not 10 years from now.
3 months from now.
You have saved a little money.
Work is stable.
There is one more person you can rely on.
The time you laugh with your child has increased.
You are making time for yourself once a month.
Make that
your first destination.
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You don’t have to make “single parent” the name for your whole life.
Single mother.
This is a word that explains your situation.
But,
it is not a word that explains everything about you.
You have
time when you are not a mother.
There are things you like.
There are things you are good at.
There are things you are not good at.
There are dreams.
And,
there are parts that will change from now on.
Therefore,
you don’t have to decide your future,
thinking “because I am a single mother, this will be my life.”
If the family structure has changed,
you can just build a new family
from now on.
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Lastly.
You don’t have to force yourself to turn becoming a single mother
into a “good thing.”
You don’t have to turn painful things
into a touching story.
On scary days,
it is okay to be scared.
Things that are tough,
are tough.
However,
you don’t have to let the past decide the family you will build from now on.
If it is a family of two,
there is a form for two.
If it is three,
there is a form for three.
Rather than completing a “normal family”
decided by someone else,
when they return to this home,
the child can think
“It’s okay here.”
And,
that you yourself
have time to laugh.
You can just build that
little by little.
And,
when you become anxious again,
try asking yourself this.
Not “Am I no good?”
but “Then, what one thing shall I prepare?”
You don’t have to make anxiety
zero.
You don’t have to make anxiety
a prophecy of the future.
Turn it into material
to choose your life from now on.
What you can do today,
one thing is enough.
That one thing
will start to create a future different from yesterday.
The heart can be deciphered.
The future can be re-chosen.
Love Psychology Lab | Re:Mind
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Why don’t you decide on one thing today?
Before closing this article,
try deciding on “one thing you want to be easier 3 months from now than it is now.”
And,
if you like, please leave it in the comments.
It doesn’t have to be a big goal.
“I want to save 5,000 yen a month.”
“I want to talk to my child for 10 minutes every day.”
“I want to find one place I can rely on.”
“I want to make time for myself once a month.”
You don’t have to decide the whole future
today.
First, one thing.
From there,
you can just re-choose.
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※This article does not idealize a specific family form or show uniform results for single-parent families. Circumstances and available support differ for each family. If you need specific support in terms of life, parenting, or economy, please also utilize the consultation counters of your local municipality.