Daily Life Regained by Letting Go of Vanity

I am Yagi. Today, I would like to share the story of how I fell into a 3 million yen card loan hell due to a trivial trigger and paid it off in two and a half years.
This happened about 10 years ago, so please forgive me if some parts are a bit hazy.

A trivial trigger

It happened when a friend invited me on a trip during the first summer after I started working.
At the time, I had a strange assumption that "now that I'm a working adult and have a credit card, I can afford to be extravagant," and coupled with the awkwardness of refusing, I accepted the invitation.
My friend, acting as the organizer, temporarily covered the travel expenses, but for some reason, I interpreted that as "I don't have to pay it back right away."
Naturally, that wasn't the case, and later my friend asked me to settle the travel expenses. Since I had a habit of wasting money, I had no cash on hand and ended up paying it off with a card loan.
I was aware of the dangers of card loans and debt, but I had no other way, and when I borrowed the money, I swore to myself that I would "pay it off in full with my bonus."

The day the ATM turned into my 'personal wallet'

However, because cash came out of the ATM so easily, I didn't wait for my bonus. Instead, I repeatedly withdrew money as if it were my own savings account and proceeded down the path of paying only the minimum amount each month.
This is a classic example of the often-cited "mistaking your credit limit for your bank balance."
Although my withdrawal limit increased based on my usage, my daily spending meant I was constantly running out of credit. I kept thinking in the back of my mind that I had to do something, but the days went by without me taking any action.
During that time, the loan quickly ballooned to an amount that could no longer be paid off in full with a bonus.

The fear that erodes daily life

Looking back, what was truly terrifying was that by the third or fourth year of using it,
1. Repay at a convenience store ATM on payday. 2. Since the credit limit is restored, insert the card into the same ATM and withdraw money again.
I felt absolutely no resistance to performing this bizarre behavior every month.
By the time I realized it, it had blended into my daily life, and I continued it as part of my routine until around the eighth year.
I recall that the card loan had grown to a maximum of about 3 million yen.
Most of the 50,000 yen monthly payment went toward interest, and the principal never decreased.
I wanted to increase the repayment amount, but I was in a state of incoherent thinking where I didn't want to lower my standard of living.
When I saw people around my age coming out of unmanned loan contract buildings in town, I would sometimes feel a strange sense of relief, thinking, "I'm not the only one."
At this point, I was completely dominated by the ATM I had mistaken for my wallet.

Diminishing self-esteem and options

Credit card solicitations when shopping at electronics stores were also terrifying.
I knew that even if I applied, I would be rejected during the screening process.
On the surface, I would decline by saying, "I don't want to add more cards," but the truth was simply that I "could notadd more cards".
The fact that the store clerk didn't press me on that excuse felt as if they could see right through me.
I still cannot forget thefeeling of my range of motion in life narrowing more and moreduring this time.

The last chance and a change of heart

After that, while still hiding the card loan, I began living with my partner.
Because we split the rent, I was able to reduce my fixed costs, but it was a life where I had to keep paying off the debt without it ever being discovered.
From the first day of living together, my heart was heavy with the guilt of having a secret.
The feeling that I had to pay it off quickly became even stronger.
In terms of lifestyle, I reduced eating out, reviewed all my subscriptions, developed the habit of deciding exactly what to buy before going out, and put most of my bonus toward repayment.
To secure funds, I even let go of gadgets and brand-name items I had previously gone into debt to acquire, but strangely, after a while, I felt no lingering attachment to them.
It was a feeling where I couldn't explain in my own words why I had been so obsessed.
I felt empty realizing I had spent time on useless things, but I think that feeling became the motivation to increase my monthly repayment amount.

The fact that my partner was frugal was also a huge help, and the fact that the interest charged during repayment was gradually getting smaller while the amount of principal being reduced was increasing became my emotional support.

Thanks to that, I was able to pay it off in two and a half years.

Closing the entrance to hell

The day after I paid it off, I received a call from the card company about a refund for the fractional amount, and after providing the account for the refund, I asked them to cancel the card.
They suggested, "If you don't borrow, there's no problem with not canceling," but to cut off the trigger itself, I firmly requested the cancellation and ended the call.
I cut the card with scissors that day, wrapped it in tape, and threw it in a convenience store trash can.

When I walked a few steps away from the convenience store, I vividly remember the sense of relief that finally washed over me, realizing thatI no longer had any secrets, and I wouldn't have to look at myself with dead fish eyes reflected in the ATM mirror when borrowing or repaying, a sense of relief that I had finally regained what was normal for other people.

Although it remains a secret from my partner even now, I cherish our peaceful days.
Perhaps they knew all along, even if they didn't say anything.

Lessons learned: Poverty makes one dull

Since it was a decision I made myself, I hold no grudge against the card company.
However, if you easily get involved with card loans or revolving payments like I did, they will rob you of a surprising amount of time and life choices.
There is also the possibility that you will have to live with a sense of guilt for a long time.
In fact, the record will remain for five years even after full repayment at the CIC, a credit information agency that financial institutions refer to.
When taking out a loan to buy a house, if the record remains, it could be a cause for concern during the screening process, even if it has been paid off.

I now own multiple credit cards, but I have them all set to one-time payment and only use them as a substitute for cash.

I also see stories online of people struggling with revolving payments and the like.
Basically, I think it's the same as keeping cash outflows down, but
instead of "saving money and lowering your standard of living,"
thinking aboutrevisiting your own attachmentsmight lower the psychological hurdle and make it easier to move forward.

This has become a long, rambling piece of writing,
but thank you for reading until the end.