When I entered elementary school, I used to tear up and eat my textbooks

I wish this title were a lie. But this story is true. At this time of year, I've been reminded of myself when I first entered elementary school (my memories of first and second grade are all jumbled together).

I spent most of my time at school crying. That didn't happen in kindergarten, but my life took a dark turn as soon as I started first grade.

It's not that I was being bullied in particular. I think I might have been bullied because I cried, but not the other way around. If there's a difference between kindergarten and elementary school, maybe it's the strictness of the management. Do I really hate being managed that much?

I remember my homeroom teacher writing this on my report card.
“I don't know what [Name] is thinking.”
No, no, you should know. Try to understand.
Isn't that your job?

I hated this teacher (well, that's a retrospective assessment...). There was also this incident. Apparently, there was an incident where someone had peed all over the school hallway. The teacher decided to check how every boy in the class peed.

Afterward, in the classroom, he announced to everyone: “The one who was furthest from the toilet was [Name] (me).”

Is he completely out of his mind? There's too much distance between being a little far from the toilet and peeing all over the hallway.

It's possible the teacher was not very bright or had a bad personality, but since he wrote that much on my report card, there's no doubt that to those around me, I was a person whose thoughts were impossible to understand.

That teacher's lack of intelligence is tolerated by society. My difficulty in being understood is not tolerated by society. It's a very symbolic story.

This world runs on atmosphere. The ignorance and malice embedded within it are wrapped in tolerance. Logic and justice that don't fit the atmosphere are severely punished.
I see, this is a realization I've had after decades, but perhaps I was being punished and was crying because of it.

Isn't the majority of the social skills needed to survive just “reading the room and fitting in”? Anyway, it's very unfortunate, but the me at that time was extremely lacking in that ability.

How was I doing with my studies? I wasn't listening to the lessons at all. “Couldn't listen” might be more accurate. That might be another reason why the teacher disliked me.

Not listening to the lesson meant I had free time with nothing to do. You might say, “Then just listen to the lesson,” but for some reason, that option didn't exist. Instead, I would tear off the edges of my textbook and put them in my mouth. It makes absolutely no sense, but for some reason, that's what I did.

When I chewed it, it had a not-so-bad taste. I call it “eating” in the title, but to be precise, I chewed it like gum. After chewing for a while, the flavor would fade, so I would take it out of my mouth and roll the paper up. When I squeezed it tight, it would become a tiny size, about the size of a booger. I would then flick it somewhere with my finger so no one around me would notice.

Because I was doing that, the edges of my textbook were torn to shreds, as if eaten by a caterpillar.
Well, thinking about it now, it was probably the psychology of wanting to chew gum because I had nothing to do with my hands, but objectively speaking, it's abnormal. I thought it was abnormal myself, so I eventually sealed that behavior away.

Returning to the report card story based on this episode, it starts to seem like the teacher might have had a point...

The reason I'm talking about such old stories is because of my own child.
If my child has inherited my traits, how should I deal with it?
I have no choice but to confront my past self.
Even if my child ends up hating me, should I keep preaching the importance of “reading the room and fitting in”? If they can't do this, they will struggle for a long time. The problem is, how much of this trait can be changed by the person's own effort...

I will keep saying, “This is how it looks objectively.”
Even if they are a different person from me and it's their own problem, it's good to always have hints.

※I have now become such a fine weirdo. Please follow me!