I Didn't Know How to 'See' — The Story of Getting Cataracts During Pregnancy

Introduction: With a Self-Introduction

Yes, I am Ichito Hanamiya, a novelist.
Right now, I am struggling with the self-publishing of my original novel.

While working on that, I had the experience of finding it fun to draw illustrations of my own original characters myself.

I am struggling by adding the activity of drawing my own cover illustrations to my self-publishing activities for my original novel.

Originally, I used to draw illustrations when I was a child. However, my illustrations were a bit strange.
They were always met with mixed reviews.
Because of that, I couldn't feel confident in my own creative work.
My illustrations were mostly copies, in the realm of fan art or drawing characters I liked. I enjoyed tracing or drawing while looking at official illustrations.

I have never done original creative work in earnest.
So, when I tried drawing the characters from my own novel, my heart raced. Anxiety, expectation, impatience.
Overall, it was a fun experience that I'm glad I had! Amazing!

I had always wanted to do original creative work. But I didn't have the courage.
That is because I have had a somewhat unique experience regarding 'seeing.' This essay is the story of that unique experience.

The Anomaly Started from the Floor

My lenses were originally slightly displaced from the position of an average person.
Because of that, I have lived with a strange field of vision and eyesight.

It is nothing but inconvenient, but the condition where the lens is displaced is called lens subluxation, and the age I was when that was discovered was zero.
Nowadays, there are surgical methods, and it seems there is the option to undergo surgery, but in my case, I couldn't bring myself to have the surgery.
At the time, the surgical procedure had just been developed and there were few surgical cases, so I was scared. Therefore, I chose to be monitored.

Elementary school, junior high school, high school. When accompanied by a guardian, the monitoring went smoothly.
There were times when surgery was recommended, but I put it off one way or another.
And so, as I went on to junior college, started working, and so on, that's right.
After I was no longer accompanied by a guardian, the monitoring could not continue without my own willpower. Actually, that's not good. Of course, I should have done it.

After getting married and giving birth to my first son, I drifted away from regular eye exams.
---I have to go, I have to go.
That's what I was thinking.

Since my corrective tools like glasses didn't break and I didn't feel any inconvenience, I just kept going like that.
While doing so, I became pregnant with my second child, my daughter, and one day, while I was pregnant and in the middle of life raising a full-of-energy 3-year-old, it happened.

---The floor of the room looked dirty with a blurry whiteness.
The floor of the house I lived in at the time was dark brown wood-grain flooring, so if I could see something white and blurry, it could only be dirt.

---Was it because I was doing the bare minimum of daily cleaning?

While playing with my eldest son, I scrubbed the floor.
Flooring sheet.
Wet wipe, dry wipe.
I tried and tried the 'polishing' that I could easily do as much as time allowed.

Even so, no matter how much I polished the floor, it didn't become clean.
The dirt wouldn't come off easily.

So, I got serious and found gaps in my busy childcare life to fight that dirt.

Somehow, a strange switch had been flipped.

Regarding the cleaning of this floor, I did, of course, have cooperation from my husband.
My husband said at the time that the floor was clean enough.
To be honest, my husband is soft on me, so I assumed that his evaluation of the cleaning at the time was a lenient one to lighten the burden on me while I was pregnant.

---If I apply varnish, it should be fine.
I decided to apply varnish to the flooring while my three-year-old son was napping.
It wasn't an easy type like a flooring sheet with varnish on it. I don't think that was on the market at the time.
It was a liquid type that you spread out. Even though I was pregnant. Even though I should have been napping.

I wanted to make it shiny.
Thinking about it now, I might have been harboring some anxiety somewhere. I feel like I was putting my effort into floor polishing to clear away that anxiety.

And so, what about the floor I varnished?!
That's right. The dirt didn't change.
My husband, who came home from work, was surprised at how shiny the room was.
---I think that was the first time I saw my husband's puzzled expression.

'Why did you make it so clean? It must have been hard.'
My husband offered words of comfort.
'But the dirt isn't coming off. Even though I tried so hard. Why is that?'
'Eh?'

Through that exchange, we, as a couple, finally understood.
---That this was a problem with my eyes.

Unexpected Discovery of Cataracts in Both Eyes During Pregnancy

I went to the university hospital with a referral letter from my family doctor, but my memory of that time has slipped away.
I was just shocked by the fact that I would have surgery while pregnant!!!

At the university hospital, a famous professor who was a pro at lenses stared at the test results, then shone a light in my eyes and looked through a magnifying glass to examine me.
It seems that in ophthalmology, there are specialized fields for each.
I forgot the exact classification, but it seems they are divided into things like a vitreous specialist, a lens specialist, and a retina specialist.

I remember the doctor explaining it in a calm voice.

"Your wife's eyes, you see. Lens subluxation is occurring in both eyes. On top of that, the displaced lenses have become cloudy. It's cataracts. Since they are this cloudy, the only option is to remove them. Surgery is the only way to handle this."

Cataracts can sometimes be treated with eye drops, right? He explained that that treatment method wouldn't work for me.
After finishing his explanation, the doctor looked at the calendar and asked.
"When shall we schedule the surgery?"

I answered immediately, "I'm currently pregnant with my second child."
――――The doctor thought for a moment before making this suggestion.

"In that case, let's wait until you've finished breastfeeding your second child. However, if you notice any highly urgent symptoms, we will operate immediately, so please be prepared for that."

"What do you mean by 'highly urgent'?"
My husband asked, as if to confirm.

"Retinal detachment is the biggest concern right now. The cloudy cataracts are in the way, so I can't see the condition of your wife's fundus. I can't tell the state of the retina."

"What should I do to determine if it has become highly urgent...?"
"It's a matter of judging things like whether your field of vision has narrowed or if parts of your vision seem to be missing, but in your wife's case――――to be honest, it's a mystery to me that she can see at all right now."

"What do you mean?"

"With the lenses this cloudy, your field of vision should be completely white and you shouldn't be able to see anything. But somehow, while there are white parts, it seems there are also parts that you can see through clearly."

He continued his explanation.

"I think it's the effect of the lens subluxation; the lenses are displaced like this. The lens acts like the lens in a camera. And the zonules of Zinn, which support the lens, are responsible for focusing, but in your wife's case, those zonules are weak. That's why the lenses are displaced. It seems that the degree of displacement is, well, wobbling, and it changes depending on the situation, allowing you to see."

"O-oh, I see."

"For some reason, light might be getting in, and you might be seeing things through the edge of the lens. That edge part must be the part that isn't cloudy."

"I see."

"Honestly, even I don't know why you are able to see."

That was the day I realized there are things even doctors don't know.

Surgery, hospitalization, and an encounter in the hospital room

――――What do you mean even the doctor doesn't know?!
――――Then why can I see?
I thought to myself.

Still, thinking about the fact that the doctor didn't know didn't lead to any conclusions.
I just had to be grateful for the fact that I could see now.

After all, there was a lot waiting for us.
Giving birth to my second child safely, raising the child, and weaning.
Finding someone to look after my eldest son and daughter during my hospitalization, the cost of the surgery, and so on; many challenges were thrown at us as a couple.

――――Seriously? ――――But, we have no choice but to do it.

And so, our family did our best.
We were able to get the cooperation of both our parents and relatives, and fortunately, I didn't experience any highly urgent situations regarding my eyes, and I was able to reach the day of my hospitalization for surgery safely.

I think I really did well back then, with that kind of vision.
Thank you so much to everyone around me!
I'm really glad that no one got hurt or had any accidents.
The cataracts were progressing, and there were various things, like an increase in what are called floaters, which look like transparent water fleas.
I was relieved that those weren't signs of retinal detachment.

The long-awaited day of hospitalization.
I was guided to a four-person room, and while saying goodbye to my husband, my mother, and my two children who had brought my luggage, I prepared for the surgery scheduled for tomorrow.

There were only two patients in the large room, including me.
The other person seemed to be staying in the bed right next to mine.

After checking the situation, I found out that the person next to me seemed to have finished surgery a few days ago and was resting, not speaking and not moving a muscle. Thinking they might be someone who needed absolute bed rest, I gave a simple greeting through the curtain.

Perhaps because of the reply from behind the partitioned curtain, they returned the greeting in a somewhat unclear, muffled voice.

Hospitalization in the midst of child-rearing life. My first time alone in a while.
Sleeping is a reward. Sleeping is bliss.
However, with the surgery finally approaching, there were many people visiting for anesthesia explanations and other things, so it seemed impossible to take a leisurely nap.
To kill time, reading, watching TV, or watching videos was difficult with my cataract-affected eyes.

I decided to kill time with some goods I had purchased in advance for such a moment.

It was a hair removal tool that claimed you could remove hair just by rubbing!

It was an egg-shaped, pink gadget. It seemed to work like sandpaper, and at the time, I was itching to try it, so I had quietly purchased it while gathering the things I needed for my hospital stay.

Attracted by the ease of removing hair just by rubbing, I used it on my fingers and shins—places where I wouldn't have the energy to groom myself during my childcare life—and rubbed away, making a 'shori-shori' sound.

As for whether it actually removed the hair, to be honest, I couldn't really tell.
That's right. I couldn't see very well anymore.
I was living with a field of vision that was just a vague 'is this it?'

I felt like I had managed to remove the hair, so
just in case, I cleaned up the bed and floor by making rough guesses, and finished my hair removal.

Including the cleaning time, only about 30 minutes had passed since I started killing time.

It couldn't be helped. I decided to eat the smoked squid I had bought as a snack.
The smoked squid, which I hadn't eaten in a very long time, was delicious.
Then, the person in the next bed called out to me.

"Ms. Hanamiya."
"Yes?"
"By any chance, are you eating smoked squid?"
"Yes, I am. Is it, oh, the smell?"
Thinking I might be bothering her, I hurriedly put it into a Ziploc bag.

The person next to me couldn't help but burst into laughter.
"No, the smell doesn't bother me—well, it definitely does, but sorry. I just laughed. It's just funny that you chose smoked squid as a snack."
"Is that so? Would you like some?"
"No, I'm good. It's not that. Heh heh heh. Sorry, don't make me laugh so much!"

Her name was N. She was the same age as me. She had finished surgery for retinal detachment in both eyes and told me various things, including stories about her surgery.

"After retinal detachment surgery, you have to stay face down as much as possible. You can't do anything. You become sensitive to smells and things."
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking at all."
"I'm sensitive to sounds too, but what were you doing just now? I heard a very strange 'shori-shori' sound."
"Um, hair removal."
"Hair removal?!!!"
"It's a tool that claims you can remove hair just by rubbing, just by stroking."
"Sorry, you are really funny."

Even though I was a nuisance who lacked consideration for smells and sounds, N found me amusing.
I hope I never have to be hospitalized again, but I learned to be careful about things that make noise and smell from then on.

I talked about many things with N.
After all, I was in a state where I couldn't see very well before surgery.
N was in a state where she had to stay face down and couldn't use her eyes.
We had no choice but to talk.

We talked about each other's symptoms and our doctors, and I listened to N's experience with surgery, which gave me the courage to face my own eye surgery.

Fireworks, friends, and a night like a miracle

First, the day of my right eye surgery arrived.
This, you know, was over in a flash.
I don't even remember much about the right eye surgery.
Nothing in particular happened.

My mother, children, and husband who came to visit were surprised by the eye patch I had after the surgery, but they seemed relieved that it was over safely.

When I returned to the large room after surgery, the other two beds were also filled, and the room was at its full capacity of four people.

While I was away for surgery, communication had progressed in the large room. I was resting on my bed just after surgery, but as I was happily participating in the conversation with everyone in the room, it became time for the nurse to take our temperatures, and she told us that there was a fireworks festival nearby today.

"You might be able to see the fireworks from the window of this room?"
—Alright, let's all watch them! I remember we got excited.

That night.
—Each of us desperately searched for the fireworks from the window.
N, who was nearing discharge, found the fireworks first, and everyone strained their eyes in the direction she pointed—a unique style of viewing.

"I think I can see them a little—"
"Isn't that it? That one, right??"
"Hmm, are those fireworks or building lights?"

People with vision before surgery, people with vision after surgery.
The way each of us saw things was different, and while we could see a little, we certainly couldn't see well.

Even with impaired vision, we tried desperately to see the fireworks.
We tried to enjoy the present with the vision and sight we had at that moment.
It was an unforgettable time where I could feel a mysterious sense of solidarity and everyone's innocent positivity.

The fireworks were definitely going off!
Yes, the sounds were definitely ringing out!

Left eye surgery and clearing the flag

A few days after N was discharged, I underwent surgery on my left eye.
Actually, I remember the surgery on my left eye vividly.
This is because, being a university hospital, medical students were present as surgical assistants.
There was a somewhat hectic, bustling atmosphere.
The surgery was about to begin, and I suddenly realized that the nurse call button, which patients are always made to hold during surgery, was missing.
It is something used to notify the staff if the patient needs anything.
――――Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey~~~~.
The assistant hurriedly had me hold the nurse call button, but it slipped and fell onto the floor.

Something――――something feels wrong.
Although I was successfully given the nurse call button again, I felt like some kind of flag had been raised, and I was enveloped in a mysterious sense of tension.

In the meantime, local anesthesia was applied to my eyeball, and the surgery began.
My left eye, which had cataracts, looked even whiter under the lights of the operating table, and my field of vision was completely white.
Then, a bright red field of vision began to spread across it.

――――Seeing something red during surgery means――――blood????
Wait, is there blood coming out??

My whole body turned pale.
――――No. I mustn't think about it. Still, I can't fall asleep!
I'll try to pretend I'm not seeing it while it looks like I am, and try to let my consciousness drift away.
Yes, let's let my consciousness drift away.

While I was letting my consciousness drift, the surgery progressed, but the surgery time seemed longer compared to when I had my right eye done. Even though they told me it would be over soon, it just wouldn't end.

Somehow, my eye started to hurt. It was painful.

――――Could it be that the anesthesia is starting to wear off――――

No, it might just be my imagination, but wait, this is not my imagination!!
It hurts!

Because intense pain began to strike, I pressed the nurse call button.
The surgeon performing the operation replied, 'Sorry, just a little longer, please wait a little longer.'
No, no, no, no, it hurts. Doctor, that's impossible. Please add more anesthesia~~~.

I pressed the nurse call button again.

'Geez, just a little longer. Oh, come on, you're being noisy. Just wait!!'

――――You said I was noisy, didn't you? Doctor, please, I'm begging you.
Realizing that I was getting in the way of the surgery, I stopped pressing the nurse call button and endured it silently.

Phew, that really was a flag after all~~~~.

'Okay, it's finished. I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry.'

If the surgeon hadn't apologized so sincerely, I probably would have filed a complaint with the hospital. Yes.
I received a thorough explanation and was told the reason why the surgery took longer.
It was because another doctor was absent due to an emergency surgery, and there was a part of my left eye that was difficult, which took time.
I was told to rest assured because that part had been properly treated.

When I returned to the general ward feeling convinced――――an indescribable headache and nausea that I couldn't endure struck me. I couldn't help but vomit.
Holding my throbbing head, I lay limp on the bed.
――――Well, I suppose that's expected, since they operated on my eyeball.

The surgery on my left eye was full of little incidents.

A New Field of Vision and World

A few days after the surgery was successfully completed and the rest period had passed.
It was when the gauze was removed from both eyes.
My vision was very clear. Yes, indeed.
A field of vision like Full HD was spreading out.
What surprised me most was――――the scenery spreading out was properly rooted. Things were standing vertically from the ground.

The many buildings visible from the window.
They were standing firmly on the ground, stable, and just there. And I could also feel the depth.
I think this was probably the first time in my life that I saw scenery with proper perspective.

――――Is it this different?
Not only did I get a beautiful field of vision because the cataract-clouded lens was removed, but in my case, the unstable vision caused by the displacement of the lens――――began to look stable.
And the images of the floaters that looked like water fleas, which I had seen countless times, were also gone.
――――So this is what the world was like.
I was stunned.
It wasn't just moving, what should I call it.
It was truly a shocking experience that I will never have again.

What I saw after being discharged

After being discharged, my children, whom I hadn't seen in a while, cried loudly and clung to me. The children seem to remember this time, and the days without their mother were difficult for them. I decided to let them be spoiled as much as they wanted.
However, perhaps because they were away from me, their mother, they seemed to be able to do more things, and they looked much more grown up than before.

And, my home after a long time.
There was a floor that was polished to an unbelievable shine.

"Wow, did you varnish the floor again?"
"No, this is exactly how you left it after you varnished it."
――――There were no white stains left on the floor anywhere, and I gazed at the floor, which shone with such a glossy luster that I was surprised I had polished it so well.

I don't have them anymore, but I had illustrations I drew at various times back then. I wish I had kept them. I looked back at them after the surgery. There were pieces where the left-right balance was off, or the perspective was subtly strange.

Ah.
I see.

Suddenly, memories of being scolded or teased for not being able to hang posters straight on the school hallway bulletin board came flooding back.

Something clicked into place: I realized my ability to see hadn't developed properly.
It seems my vision was related to why my illustrations often received mixed reviews and why I couldn't feel confident in my own creative work.

I felt glad that I had the surgery.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this long story.
Is my current vision exactly the same as yours?
I'm not really sure about that.
However, seeing as I am now able to have you all read my experience, and I am able to work on this and that for the download sale of my original doujin novel, I suppose I must be seeing things properly.

Also, this was an account of my surgery and hospitalization before the COVID-19 pandemic.
Communication between patients, visitation restrictions, and the medical system during hospitalization were different from how they are now. I would be happy if you could keep that in mind while reading.