Reflecting on Summer Vacation: The 'I Want You' of Wanting What You Can't Have [Following My Heart, Ramblingly (8)]

Today, August 31st, the day I am writing this note, has been a day of unstoppable excitement for me until last year.
Why? Because it is the last day of the children's summer vacation. (This year is an exception because September 1st is a Sunday.)

I still feel a bit of excitement this year, but it's not unstoppable. At this point, it's losing to the excitement I feel when eating those snacks that you 'can't stop, won't stop!'

As the excitement has decreased (though this is the fourth time I've used the word 'excitement' in this text, which is too many), it seems the feeling of relief has grown.

I don't know, but this year, my impression of summer vacation has changed completely.

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I know the reason it changed. It's the children's advancement in school.

My son entered junior high school this spring. When he was in elementary school, he had no plans other than playing with friends. For the past few years, there haven't even been any school attendance days, so he truly had zero plans.

My daughter also entered high school this spring. During junior high, she was in a cultural club, and there were only a few days of activities during summer vacation.

On the other hand, my son, who joined the baseball team this year, had practice four days a week during summer vacation. Whether he had practice or not, he was almost never home because he would go play with friends in the afternoon.

My daughter is still in a cultural club, and her summer activities were zero. Even so, she attended school for about 10 days to participate in summer courses held at the school.

During summer vacation, the amount of time the children were not at home increased significantly. Just because of that, I think the feeling of confinement and irritation in my heart has decreased.

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While I was able to escape the confinement and the 'I'm bored, I want to go somewhere' attacks, several new sources of confusion arose.

One of them is likely due to the fact that the children's return times became irregular.
My son's morning practice was always extended. He wouldn't come home even an hour past the scheduled time, so I even went to check the route to school to see if he had collapsed somewhere.
For someone like me who is not good at things not going according to schedule, the shift in time is a major source of anxiety.

Also, my daughter would return home around 1:00 PM. I would have to prepare, serve, and clean up lunch for her alone at a different time.
On her days off, she would often not wake up until before noon. I was also troubled by whether or not she needed breakfast. Even if I asked her to prepare it herself, there is the issue of whether or not we have the ingredients. Food spoils easily in the summer, after all.
The double work of housework is also one of the sources of confusion.

Furthermore, their social circles and range of activities expanded, and there were more days when I worried until they returned home, such as when they participated in evening events. The high risk of heatstroke due to the extreme heat also fueled my anxiety.

While I am happy about my children's growth, my worries have increased.

That is probably why I felt a sense of relief when peaceful daily life finally returned at the end of summer vacation.

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There is also a sense of loneliness that is different from summer vacations until last year.

I became the driver for the pool we used to go to together, and I was left in charge of watching the house during fireworks and Bon dances.

Even though I think they are noisy and troublesome when they are around, I feel lonely when they are not.

There is a limit to wanting what you can't have.

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Surely, parenting is always accompanied by wanting what you can't have.

Even when you see the neighbor's child start walking first, or when they get accepted into a school with high deviation scores.

Just when you think you were lamenting the delay in growth, you see a photo of a baby posted on social media and reminisce about the past, thinking, 'They were so cute back then.'

Even if you don't intend to compare, you end up comparing before you know it.

You compare your child to other children or your past self, and you compare your parenting to the parenting of other families.

It's inevitable that you'll compare. I think it's important not to express those thoughts out loud.

And even if their growth is a little slow, they can't study, they don't help around the house, they are chubby, they are skinny, or they are clumsy, if you can just think, 'I love you anyway,' then that's enough.

Even if I want what I can't have, I still want you.