Life is a series of 'resolutions'. Important things I realized on a day when my heart almost broke while caregiving

—A day with my aunt who has dementia, and gratitude for the 'emotional safe base' that supported me—

Yesterday, I went to the house of my 94-year-old aunt who lives alone.

My aunt, who has dementia, is single and has no children, and she has been living alone. However, both the doctor at the Prefectural University of Medicine and the doctor who saw her before that told me that 'living alone is difficult'.

So, I consulted with her care manager and decided to choose the path of moving into a facility. Although my aunt strongly refused to enter a facility at first, the care manager and the facility staff faced her with patience many times, and she finally made up her mind to move in.

Yesterday was the day I had to take my aunt to the hospital to receive the medical certificate and medical information report necessary for her admission to the facility.

The reality of dementia care. A morning when my heart almost broke

My aunt's house is about a 30-minute bus ride from my house.

When I arrived after buying a bento at the co-op, my aunt was fast asleep in bed, even though I had told her on the phone the day before, 'We are going to the hospital tomorrow.'

'Wake up. We have to go to the hospital.'

'Was it today? I don't feel well today, so I'm not going.'

'What are you saying? Today is the day we have to go.'

'I don't want to go.'

After repeating that exchange many times, I finally got her to change her clothes.

However, this time,

'I can't find my cash card.'

'It disappeared after you came and touched my bag.'

It was as if she were accusing me of stealing it.

At that moment, my heart, which had been stretched to its limit, just snapped.

If that's how you're going to be, then I'm done with this!

I found myself raising my voice.

Of course, I regret it.

But how much time and how much heart have I poured into supporting my aunt?

Why am I working so hard for this?

Such emptiness filled my chest.

The road to the hospital that didn't go as planned

Still, I had to find the cash card.

I'm going to look around the bed, okay?

I called out as I searched, but in the end, I couldn't find it.

I confirmed that I at least had enough money to get to the hospital and called a taxi.

However, even when the taxi arrived, my aunt wouldn't come out of the restroom.

The taxi is already here, so please hurry.

Even when I called out to her, she didn't come out, and the driver, unable to wait any longer, said, "Please call another taxi once you are ready," and left.

I had to call for a taxi all over again, and finally, we were able to head to the hospital.

The warmth of the medical staff I felt at the hospital

At the hospital, I pushed her wheelchair to blood tests and X-rays.

During our last visit, she kept saying, "I'm hungry," while we waited, which was difficult, so this time we went to the hospital cafe before her appointment.

As my aunt had her sandwich and tea, her expression gradually became calmer.

I just felt completely exhausted.

While waiting for the consultation, a friend called me.

Hearing her gentle voice and laughing as she told me about her son, my heart felt strangely calm.

Human kindness is truly something to be grateful for, isn't it?

During the consultation, I reported to the doctor that we were proceeding with preparations for facility admission and expressed my gratitude.

It is truly a huge ordeal just to bring her all the way to the Prefectural University of Medicine.

When I told him that, the doctor even wrote a referral letter to the facility's clinic.

He also carefully prepared the necessary documents for me.

Just like the staff at the care facility, I truly take my hat off to the doctors and all the medical professionals.

I was filled with a sense of gratitude.

A day where I couldn't let my guard down until the very end

After the consultation ended, I finished paying, and picked up the medicine at the pharmacy, I realized I hadn't received the medical certificate.

The billing office was already closed, but when I asked the hospital staff to look for it, it turned out the hospital had forgotten to hand it over.

I am so glad I noticed.

I sent my aunt home by taxi, wrote the date of my next visit on the calendar, and when I looked again, I found the cash card.

After calling to let them know I would bring the documents to the facility the next day, it was already past 7 PM when I got home.

I had been moving around all day since the morning and was truly exhausted.

The 'emotional safe base' that supported me

With no energy to do anything, I first called the staff at the clinic I visit.

'You really did your best today. You cleared one hurdle. Let's think about what to do next together. For today, please eat, take a bath, and get some rest.'

Those kind words made my tense feelings suddenly relax.

Even so, my heart still felt heavy, so I had M-chan, a friend from Safe Space Hokkori, listen to me.

M-chan is calm and kind.

As we joked and laughed together, my energy slowly returned.

I realized it once again.

An 'emotional safe base' is truly important.

Having someone you can talk to about anything.

Having a place where you can safely vent your weaknesses.

I believe that such existence supports our hearts.

What the word 'resolution' taught me

Last night, I ate, took my medicine, and then fell asleep right away.

Then I woke up early in the morning and am writing this blog.

My aunt, my work, and the activities of Safe Space Hokkori.

I will have to continue making many choices from here on out.

Life is truly a series of choices.

While I was thinking about that, I remembered 'Daily Words to Learn Buddhist Wisdom' by the Soto Zen monk Shunmyo Masuno

The word resolve written there resonated with me.

When I read these words, I thought,
'I see, what I was lacking was resolve.'

Caregiving, work, and the activities of Safe Space Hokkori are all important paths I chose myself.

That is precisely why, rather than being swayed by surrounding events, I want to walk forward while keeping my inner axis firm.

I was able to think that way.

With 'resolve,' one step at a time again today.

Thankfully, I have people who support me.

I am truly grateful for their presence.

As I write these words, my heart becomes strangely calm.

On Saturday, I will take my aunt to the hair salon.

Things might not go as planned again.

Even so, so that it can be a day where my aunt can smile, and so that I myself can face it with a calm heart, I want to do my best with 'resolve.'

Thank you very much for reading until the end.