Who do you respect? The reason I answer 'my grandfather' without hesitation

Who is the person you respect?

While reflecting on myself, I sometimes find myself asked that question.

I always answer 'my grandfather' without hesitation.

But why do I respect my grandfather so much? That question suddenly crossed my mind.

So today, I would like to delve into this.

The reason my grandfather became a special person

When I was small, I lived with my paternal grandparents. My cousins were mostly boys, and I was the only 'girl' on my father's side. Because of that, I was doted on by my grandparents, and I was a child who loved her grandparents.

However, my mother did not get along with my grandparents.

I was often made to listen to my grandmother complain about my mother, and I was often praised in comparison to her.

Even as a young child, I felt, 'Why is my mother being blamed?' but I hated that I couldn't say anything about it.

I still vividly remember how I used to walk on eggshells around my family.

Furthermore, it seems my mother often fought with my grandfather too. Or rather, it seemed like my grandfather was unilaterally complaining to my mother. Because of that, by the time I was old enough to understand things, we moved out of my grandparents' house and started living separately.

But unlike my grandmother, my grandfather never complained to me about my mother. In fact, he was someone who always treated me with a smile, to the point where I couldn't believe it when I heard, 'Grandpa gets into fights!?'

My grandfather, who was always smiling and enjoying life

My grandfather worked as a construction worker (tobi) and had experience as an executive and working at shrines, so he was a well-known person in the local area. He was someone who would instruct or sometimes yell at people on-site, but he never showed that side to me, his grandchild.

Instead, when I went to visit him, he would often talk to me happily.

Going abroad for work. Moving houses. Making stretching equipment and bird nests out of wood. Making orange peel and recommending it to me, saying, 'It's delicious.' Being a person who diligently kept a diary. Trying his hand at wood carving and piano and saying with confidence, 'Isn't it amazing?' Stories about the war from when he was a child. Stories about how much he loved my grandmother...

Looking back, my grandfather was a person full of curiosity who enjoyed life.

He was a cheerful person who always spoke happily. He was the kind of person who made you think, "His life must be a happy one."

He was the first person to truly accept my feelings.

When I was in the lower grades of elementary school, I was quietly aiming for a "perfect attendance award" without telling anyone.

But one day, I fell ill and couldn't go to school.

At that time, my mother and grandmother told me to "rest." I remember crying and shouting, "No, I'm going!" as if to rebel against those words.

I was frustrated that I couldn't achieve the goal I had set for myself.

Even so, my mother wouldn't listen. Rest. It's already noon. I feel like that's what she was saying. I think my grandmother tried to comfort me by saying, "Why don't you take it easy with Grandma?"

In the midst of all that, only my grandfather was on my side.

"You want to go to school, right? I'll take you, so get in the car."

He said that and took me to school.

I remember being so happy at that moment. That he accepted my desire to "go." That there was someone who understood my true feelings.

I still remember how my heart felt instantly lighter at that time.

Parting with my beloved grandfather and my regrets

I think my family members are relatively healthy and long-lived.

My paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents are still alive today. All three are over 90, and although their eyesight and hearing have faded, they live without any major inconveniences.

However, the paternal grandfather I mentioned earlier passed away seven years ago. He was 85 at the time. I believe the cause was a myocardial infarction, but he underwent surgery and I recall him being in and out of the hospital throughout that year.

I still cannot forget how my grandfather looked when I visited him in the hospital. Even now, just remembering it brings tears to my eyes.

The reason is that my grandfather's usual smile disappeared.

And above all, I have always regretted saying "do your best" to my grandfather in that state. He was already doing his best. I wonder if there were other words I should have said to him instead.

That day was the last time I saw my grandfather.

From regret over my grandfather to days of facing myself

I am someone who rarely has regrets in life, but the words "do your best" that I said to my beloved grandfather a few years ago have tormented me for a long time. He was already doing his best.

Also, during this period, my beloved pet dog that we kept at my parents' house passed away, and the wounds in my heart were deepening.

Similarly, it was a time when I had doubts about my company, wondering "Is it okay to stay like this?" I didn't know what I wanted to do or what I could do. I had also lost sight of my career direction.

As a result, I fell into a state of depression, which led me to face myself. And every time I encountered the question "Who do you respect?" during self-understanding, I remembered my grandfather.

From there, as I repeated small steps, I regained my own axis and began to move toward what I wanted to do.

After that, I achieved my long-cherished wish of pregnancy and childbirth, and decided to move from Tokyo to Nagano to rethink my child-rearing environment.

That was where I met a certain fortune teller.

The event that ended my self-blame

When I first moved, I was invited by the manager of a coworking space cafe and had a period where I was in charge of cafe design.

At that time, the person working in the kitchen was someone who also worked as a fortune teller.

When I first met that person, they said this to me.

"Is your grandfather or grandmother deceased?"

I answered, "Yes, my grandfather, a few years ago. I loved him very much." When I said that, the person continued.

I knew it. Somehow, I felt like my grandfather was saying, 'It's going to be okay.'

I got goosebumps. I couldn't stop my tears.

I genuinely thought that maybe my grandfather was cheering me up because he saw me blaming myself.

When I write it down, it sounds a bit suspicious (laughs). I don't really believe in fortune-telling, so it feels even stranger.

But at that moment, I felt like I had stopped blaming myself for the first time.

Maybe I am getting closer to the person I respect

I have realized something from this episode. It is that perhaps I am following in the footsteps of the person I respect (in my case, my grandfather).

I am currently working as a 'career coach who unbinds the heart,' providing coaching to people who don't know what they want to do or who are struggling with the direction of their lives and careers.

I often hear people say, 'I'm not good at consulting with others, but I can talk to you about anything, Hachi-san,' or 'This is the first time I've been able to speak so honestly. I feel so relieved!'

As a result, there are often internal changes such as 'I stopped blaming myself,' 'Life has become easier,' 'My heart feels lighter,' and 'I found my own core.' Consequently, external changes also occur, such as 'I decided to change jobs,' 'I started a side business or entrepreneurship,' or 'I decided to keep going here.'

Hearing these reports, I feel that perhaps I am unconsciously doing what my grandfather used to do for me back then.

'Accepting my true feelings,' 'Always being on my side,' 'Treating me with a smile,' and 'Living a life that seems enjoyable.'

Aren't these all things about my beloved 'grandfather'?

Perhaps I am not chasing my grandfather's back, but rather passing on what I received from him to someone else.

When I thought of that, I felt happy for some reason.