How to Deal with Anger: Learning from Chinese Classics on How to Handle 'When You Get Angry'
When do people get angry?
When they are treated unfairly.
When things do not go as planned.
When expectations are betrayed.
There are many such situations.
Anger is a natural human reaction.
Chinese classics do not deny this in itself.
What Chinese classics consistently focus on is
how to handle the emotion of angeritself.
To state the stance of Chinese classics upfront, it is as follows.
It is okay to feel anger. However, you must control it.
Various schools of thought repeatedly state this point from their own perspectives.
▮Do not act out of anger
The first thing to grasp is the calm separation of anger from decision-making.
Sun Tzu teaches this as follows.
“A ruler should not mobilize an army out of anger.”
“Move only when it is to your advantage; stop when it is not.”
Do not move an army out of anger.
Move only when it serves your interests.
The point here is clear.
It means not to judge matters based on emotions.
This is because, in a state of anger,
your perspective narrows
you view the other party as an excessive enemy and cannot objectively assess their strength or the situation
you prioritize short-term release
As a result, you end up taking
“actions to vent frustration” rather than “actions to win.”
It is clear from countless examples in the world that actions taken in the heat of anger
will eventually cause you suffering later on.
Getting angry and impulsively spewing abuse or raising a hand.
The beginnings of tragic incidents and accidents are usually emotional and impulsive,
and the reasons for discord at home or vicious cycles in the workplace are the same.
That is precisely why,
do not make judgments when you are angry
do not react on the spot
try taking some time
This is not about suppressing your feelings, but rather a minimum requirement to protect yourself and always make the right decisions as they say, regret comes after the fact.
I am usually a calm person, but as a human being, I do get angry sometimes.
However, I make it a daily practice not to show that emotion at all, and certainly
not to take any actions driven by anger.
This is because I know well that getting angry is only a loss, and I have never seen anything good come from acting on impulse.
Also, having long passed 50, it is unsightly to fly off the handle easily, and
if I have that kind of energy, I would rather use it for something else. That is what I think.
▮ Do not take it out on others
The next issue is the target of your anger.
The Analects explains the negative emotion of anger like this:
“Do not transfer anger, do not repeat mistakes.”
Do not transfer anger, do not repeat mistakes.
“Transferring anger” means shifting your anger to another target, or simply put,
taking it out on someone else. “Do not repeat mistakes” means do not repeat the same error.
People often,
cannot say things directly to the person involved
do not want to break a superficial relationship
Because of this, they sometimes direct their anger toward someone who is easier to target.
Sometimes, they also take it out on objects. I am ashamed to admit that I have even
broken a PC display in a fit of rage.
However, even if taking it out on others provides temporary stress relief, especially in interpersonal relationships, it creates the following situations:
trust is damaged
relationships become distorted
The atmosphere of the situation turns sour
Once that happens, it is extremely difficult to repair.
“This person is emotional and not worth talking to.”
Once you are thought of that way, any subsequent interaction will remain superficial.
And most importantly, even if you can relieve stress by taking it out on others,the root cause
is left unaddressed.That is why the same thing keeps happening.
There are many possible causes.
In a boss-subordinate relationship, it could be unclear instructions or an arrogant attitude.
There are various possibilities.
In a family setting, it could be a lack of gratitude or appreciation for what your spouse does for you daily, or getting angry whenever something doesn't go your way.
When people get hot-headed, they immediately voice whatever comes to mind, and some even resort to physical violence.
I feel there are surprisingly many people who look normal but are brutal on the inside. If you grow older without overcoming your childishness, you end up with that kind of personality.
Therefore,
Where should this anger be directed?
Am I taking my anger out on someone unrelated?
What happens if I let my anger take control?
Just by checking these things,most unnecessary friction in the heart can be prevented.
▮Do not show anger
To go a step further, anger is a risk.
The Han Feizi points this out:
“If your likes and dislikes are visible, then people will control you.”
If your preferences and aversions are exposed, people will manipulate you through them.
Anger is the strongest expression of “aversion.”
In other words,it points out that the moment you show anger, you become someone who can be manipulated by others.
A person who is hot-headed is:
Easily provoked
Easily led
Easily exposed in their true intentions
This is especially fatal in negotiations and management.
The moment anger is expressed, it becomes information, and that information will inevitably be used against you by the other party.
If you are provoked, you are playing right into their hands. A person who is enraged can easily be manipulated through provocation.
Tit for tat.
The other party might be intentionally stepping on your landmines to provoke you into taking rash action.
For example, when a subordinate who does not like you intentionally approaches you with an infuriating attitude, they may not just dislike you,
Is this power harassment?
Is this moral harassment?
They might be trying to build evidence to say exactly that.
Once it reaches this point, it is self-evident who holds the initiative.
Therefore,
Do not react immediately
Do not show it in your expression or words
Accept it once
This is not about endurance, buta necessary action to protect your own initiative.
Furthermore, if left unchecked, anger will be repeated or amplified.
To prevent this,
Gaps in expectations
Gaps in perception
Gaps in roles
Unless you calmly accept these, think about why you felt angry, and consider how to prevent it next time,you will continue to waste energy on anger.
▮Summary
What the Chinese classics show is simple.
Sun Tzu teaches not to judge or act based on anger.
The Analects teach not to take your anger out on others.
Han Feizi teaches not to show anger easily.
What they all have in common is the single point ofnot letting anger out.
Therefore, there is only one thing to do.
Stop the anger right there, do not let it out, and calmly search for the cause.
And,the best thing to do is to forget it.
Separate your emotions from the problem and do not cross that line.
That is the teaching on how to deal with anger that is common to Chinese classics.
I am not an anger management expert myself, but
by keeping a simple mindset, I spend my time with less stress.