The Day the Scenery Changed, Even Though I Was in the Same Place

Recently, a series of events has caused some close relationships to fall apart, and
I've been feeling a bit down.
However, I also realized something within that pain.

As I felt my own emotions shifting,
I began to notice subtle differences
in relationships that had previously felt like second nature.
I feel like I've been pausing more often lately,
wondering, 'Is something going on?'

As I wrote in a previous post,
partly due to the influence of a unique childhood environment,
I have a mental habit of being highly sensitive
to subtle atmospheres and the nuances of others.
Because of that, I have often reacted excessively,
which has frequently caused me distress.

While reflecting on myself,
I became aware of these mental habits,
and I have gradually learned how to 'let them slide.'
Thanks to that, I feel that my way of living
has become a little easier than before.

Perhaps because such changes have occurred within me,
I have been encountering more situations where I feel a sense of discomfort
in how I interact with others and in my perspective on the world around me.

My frequency has changed.

That is the sensation I am feeling right now.

I tend to perceive the distance between myself and others
as something like a frequency,
and I feel it is somewhat similar to the sensation of listening to a radio.

Slowly turning the dial,
searching for the position that is comfortable and sounds the clearest.
With just the slightest difference,
it can resonate pleasantly,
or conversely, the noise can increase.

However, lately,
I have started to become bothered by that noise.
Sounds that wouldn't have bothered me before
now feel like they are catching on something,
and I can no longer hear things clearly.

Perhaps this is not because someone else has changed,
but because I myself am unconsciously starting to search
for the position that is comfortable for the person I am now.

In my relationships with others,
the sense of natural alignment I once had
has gradually started to fall out of sync.
I think that is the mental misalignment
I am feeling right now.

One other thing has changed.

That is,
I have become able to acknowledge myself a little more.
It's a strange way to put it, saying I've come to like myself, but that's how it feels.

'I am fine just as I am.'

I feel that the foundation
to think that way has finally been built.

Acknowledging my own existence and being kind to myself.
It is not about being selfish,
but about accepting who I am right now, including my flaws.

By doing so,
I no longer force the distance between myself and others,
and I feel that the connections themselves have become a little easier.

Since I've become able to accept myself,
I've also been able to engage with the differences in others
with a little more ease.

It's not so much that I've come to like myself,
but rather that I've come to treat myself with a quiet respect.

That is how it feels.

As I do that,
I've also started to notice, little by little,
the presence of people who cherish me.

That respect,
I'm sure, reaches those around me,
and I feel like people who respect me are starting to gather.

I've started thinking things like that recently,
and since then, I feel like there are more words in conversations
that catch on me somehow.

For example, things like "casual sarcasm" from someone that I would have let slide before,
or words like "self-deprecation to liven up the mood."

I laughed and brushed them off at the time,
but on the way home, I suddenly realized those words were still lingering deep in my chest.
Before, they wouldn't have snagged on me like this.

To the person I am now,
they feel a bit uncomfortable when they touch my skin,
like something I want to gently set aside,
that is the kind of sensation I had.

Is it just that we "no longer fit"?
Or is it that we "can no longer share"?

The part of me that thinks that way felt a little lonely.

Even though I thought I was looking at the same scenery,
before I knew it,
perhaps the place where I was standing had shifted just a little.

I think for just a fleeting moment,
"I wish I could have stayed the same."

But,
perhaps...

It's not that someone changed,
but rather that I myself
have simply started to see a different view than before.

There are relationships where you don't need to force mutual understanding,
and relationships that are better balanced when you keep a little distance.

I am thinking about such things quietly now.

It's not that anyone is at fault.
Perhaps it's just that,
due to my own changes, the world I see has shifted.

Strangely enough,
as I let go of those feelings of discomfort,
I feel that people who share the same values are naturally starting to appear.

A sense that is understood without needing to explain it.
A relationship where even silence is comfortable.

Who will I be with,
and what kind of world will I share with them from now on?

People leaving is not an end.
It might be a signal to move on to relationships that better suit the next version of myself.

I think I am in the middle of
slowly turning the dial to a frequency that matches the new me.

Even if you are in the same place,
the scenery you see changes.

That is a little lonely,
but also, somehow warm.

Even so, I am still bewildered, and
a little bit of fear still remains.

I am trying not to force that change to stop, but
simply trying to accept it quietly.

In each place,
just as each scenery changes.