That sense of unease was actually the final notification.
It was the moment I bent my left ring finger.
Click.
Something caught.
I bent it again.
Click.
It didn't hurt.
But something was clearly wrong.
It wasn't just my finger.
My palm.
My arm.
My shoulder.
Between my shoulder blades.
Everything felt heavy, as if connected by a single thread.
It wasn't numbness.
It wasn't pain either.
But I knew.
“Oh, if I go any further, it’s going to be a bit dangerous.”
The old me wouldn't have noticed.
By the time I did notice, it would have hurt more.
I would have pushed myself harder.
I would have broken myself more.
So, at first, I thought:
Maybe I’ve grown a little.
I’ve become able to properly notice that sense of unease.
I’ve become able to choose to rest properly.
That’s what I thought.
But that night,
after I got into bed, I suddenly felt a sense of unease.
Wait?
Was today really the first time?
At that moment, I remembered something that had crossed my mind many times since the start of the month.
I want to take out my yoga mat.
I want to stretch my body.
I want to align my body.
There was no reason.
Nothing hurt.
I wasn't in any trouble.
But for some reason, it kept coming to mind.
So many times it was strange.
So I dismissed it.
I have work.
I have deadlines.
I have the kids to think about.
There are other things I should be doing right now.
That’s what I thought.
I took out the yoga mat just once.
It felt good.
My body felt a little lighter, too.
But after that, I folded it back up.
It really wasn't the right time.
Because there was no reason.
Because there was no reason to prioritize it.
And so, I went on as I was.
That’s why, at first,
I thought the discomfort in my hand was the “first sign.”
But I was wrong.
I finally understood today.
The catching of my ring finger wasn't the first sign.
The heaviness in my shoulder wasn't the first either.
The fatigue wasn't the first either.
It had actually been coming from much earlier.
I had wanted to take out the yoga mat.
I had wanted to stretch my body.
I had wanted to align myself somehow.
I can't explain it.
There’s no evidence.
But it kept coming up over and over.
That feeling.
I had always thought,
that the notification only comes after the sense of unease appears.
Rest when you get tired.
Stop when it starts to hurt.
Reevaluate when your health gets bad.
But I realized this time.
I was wrong.
The notification had come much earlier.
The sense of unease wasn't the first notification.
It was actually the final notification.
The first message was,
“I don't know why, but I'm curious.”
The second message was,
“I don't know why, but I want to do this.”
The third message was,
“I want to align my body somehow.”
Even so, I didn't open them.
Because there was no reason.
Because I couldn't explain it.
So my body made it into a more understandable form.
My ring finger catches.
My shoulders get heavy.
My arms get sluggish.
Until it reached a level I would finally notice.
But now I think.
If I had been able to trust that first feeling.
If I had been able to adopt it without a reason.
Maybe this sense of unease wouldn't have even been necessary.
We tend to,
prioritize things that have a reason.
Because they are correct.
Because they are necessary.
Because they have meaning.
Because they are useful.
But the truly important signs,
sometimes arrive looking like they have no reason at all.
I don't know why, but I'm curious.
I don't know why, but I want to go.
I don't know why, but I want to rest.
I don't know why, but I want to align myself.
At that point, you can't explain it.
So it looks like a whim.
But looking back, you understand.
That wasn't a whim.
The body doesn't just tell you right before it breaks.
From much earlier.
Much more quietly.
It has been telling me over and over again.
I was just the one who didn't listen.