The Ethics of Consistency

Subtitle
There are things that must not be tainted, even as they change

Introduction

People change

The me of yesterday and the me of today
are not exactly the same

but
they are not entirely different people either

We live
upon that ambiguous continuity

taking responsibility for our past selves,
observing our present selves,
and trying to hand something over to our future selves

Without this continuity,
neither regret nor responsibility could exist

And the same thing
can be said of human relationships

People change

The other person changes too

Life changes

What we carry changes

The distance we can tolerate changes

The words we can speak change

The meaning of silence changes

Therefore, a relationship
is not finished once it is formed

Relationships
are re-formed every time there is a change

However,
not all relationships can be re-formed

There are relationships that can be re-formed

and there are relationships that are better left not re-formed

And
even for relationships that cannot be re-formed,
there is an ethics to how they end

I would like to call that
the twilight of a relationship

What I want to think about in this article is
self-consistency,
trust,
re-forming relationships,
and the twilight of relationships

These are not separate topics

I believe they are all
an ethics for not treating things that keep changing
carelessly

Chapter 1

I am always a little late whenever I look at myself

I am looking at myself

There are times when I think that

Did I do well today?

Was that way of speaking correct?

Will I be okay tomorrow?

In our daily lives, we
gaze at ourselves,
evaluate ourselves,
and live while making small adjustments to ourselves

However,
the moment I look at myself,
that version of me is already
not the me from before I looked

Because I have realized it

The me who realized I am tired
might try to rest

The me who realized I am angry
might swallow my words

The me who realized I made a mistake
might try to make a different choice next time

In other words, observation is
an act where the present me
influences the future me

I change because I looked

I change because I realized

I change because I put it into words

Then,
are the me before observation
and the me after observation the same?

Strictly speaking, they are different

However,
that difference is far too small

That is why we
think of the me of yesterday and the me of today
as the same person

We think of the me who failed
and the me who reflected on it
as the same person

Without this
power to think we are the same,
people cannot live

The me of tomorrow is also me

The me of the past was also me

The current me
stands between them

Because of this trust,
people can take responsibility for the future

Because of this trust,
people can accept their past

Self-consistency is
not something that is proven

it is something that is believed

Chapter 2

Consistency does not mean not changing

Consistency does not mean
staying the same

People change

Ways of thinking change

Values change

The places where we get hurt change

The things we want to cherish change

Therefore,
change itself is not a betrayal

Rather,
there is no one who does not change

The problem is
not that things changed

but how we treat the past
after we have changed

The past me was immature

but
I cannot say that was not me

The future me does not exist yet

but
I cannot say that whatever happens has nothing to do with me

The present me
is re-forming the connection between
the past me and the future me

Responsibility is
accepting the multiple versions of me scattered throughout time
as still being me

If I judge my past self too harshly,
I will destroy myself

If I belittle my future self,
I will ruin the present

If I make only the present me absolute,
I will not be able to live within time

Therefore, what is needed is
a consistency that does not deny change

I change

yet I am still me

I make mistakes

yet I accept them as me

I am not yet complete

yet I will pass something on
to the future me

Herein
lies self-consistency

Chapter 3

Sincerity is a contract with your future self

Sincerity is
not just something directed at others

I believe it is something directed first
at your future self

Can the later version of me
affirm that choice?

Can my older self
say that I did not cheat back then?

When things got difficult,
can I say I did not cross the line I had kept?

Sincerity is
an act where the past self
helps the future self

People are free

but
freedom is not unlimited

As long as we live in society,
there are rules

Love, too,
is built upon boundaries

Love exists within freedom

but
freedom alone cannot protect love

Responsibility becomes necessary

Responsibility is
accepting what must be fulfilled within society

Sincerity is
making a choice between that responsibility and freedom
that will not break you later

Therefore, a sincere person is
not someone who never makes mistakes

nor someone who never changes

They are someone who does not cross the lines they have kept
for the sake of convenience

Chapter 4

Trust is a wager on consistency

To trust someone is
not to know everything in the other person's heart

People cannot possess the true intentions of others

True motives,
hidden anxieties,
and future choices
are not visible to us

Yet people still trust someone

Then,
what are they looking at when they trust?

Perhaps people
are looking at the other person's consistency

Consistency of words,

consistency of actions,

attitudes repeated over time,

what they protect when things are difficult,

what they discard when things become inconvenient,

what they do not taint when they leave

By looking at the accumulation of such things,
people judge that this person is this kind of person

In a good sense,
or in a bad sense,
people trust in consistency

Therefore, trust is
not guaranteeing the essence of the other person

but touching the other person's consistency,
deciding to trust this person,
and accepting your own judgment

To trust is
not just to trust the other person

It is also to touch the other person's warmth,
and to trust once more the past self
who decided to trust

That is why betrayal is painful,
not just because you were hurt by the other person

but because even your own judgment to trust is shaken

What was I looking at?

Why did I believe those words?

Why did I find meaning
in that attitude?

That question
returns to yourself

Chapter 5

Betrayal is the collapse of a world map

When you are betrayed by someone,
you are not just hurt by that person

You are hurt by the world you were seeing through them

I thought there were places in this world
that were safe to trust

I thought there was a warmth in this person's words
that I could return to

I thought this silence
was not a rejection

I thought this kindness
was not exploitation

However,
when that premise collapses,
a person's world map is rewritten

I will be careful with this type of word

I will leave when the atmosphere becomes like this

I will try not to trust this silence too much

This kindness might have an ulterior motive

Memories
draw boundaries on the map of life

Wounds create forbidden zones

Kindness creates pathways

Betrayal creates vigilance

Love creates a place to return to

Therefore, a relationship
is not something that exists only between two people

I believe a relationship includes
the changes to that map,
where in your own world closed off

and where it opened up
because of that person

Chapter 6

Forgiveness is not erasing the past

Forgiveness is
not making the past as if it never happened

It is not forgetting,

nor is it pretending you were not hurt

Forgiveness is
an act of choosing the future again
after acknowledging the rupture

This person
is no longer that person from the past

And I, too,
am not the me from the past

Yet,
this person of the present
and this me of the present
measure a new distance

I think that is close to forgiveness

Therefore, forgiveness is
not the restoration of identity

Rather,
I think it is re-forming a relationship
after accepting that things are no longer the same

However,
forgiveness is not an obligation

There are times when you cannot forgive

There are relationships that cannot be re-formed

Even so,
just because you cannot forgive,
it does not mean you can treat the past carelessly

From here,
re-forming a relationship
and the twilight of a relationshipdiverge

Chapter 7

Relationships are things to be re-formed

Re-forming a relationship
is not returning to the past

It is the me who has changed
and the other person who has changed
measuring the current distance once again

People change

The other person changes too

Life changes

What we carry changes

The distance we can tolerate changes

The words we can speak change

The meaning of silence changes

Therefore,
a relationship that once worked
is not guaranteed to work the same way now

That does not mean it has become cold

nor does it mean you have betrayed them

I think it just means
that the two of you have lived separate lives

The relationship of the past
had the environment of the past

The same place,

the same time,

the same worries,

the same boredom,

the same escape,

the same immaturity

That shared world
naturally supported the relationship

However,
if the environment changes,
the form of the relationship changes too

If you bring the intimacy of the past
into the present as it is,
you are talking to the person of the past,
not the person in front of you

That is why it does not mesh

I think discomfort is the sound born
when the two people of the present
can no longer fit into the relationship form of the past

Not feeling right
is not necessarily a failure

It can be a signal calling for the readjustment of the relationship,
not the end of it

It is not returning to the past

It is finding a distance that suits the two of you now

That is
what it means to re-form a relationship

Chapter 8

Distance is frequency

Re-forming a relationship
is not just a matter of feelings

It is also measuring the distance again

And distance
is the frequency that appears in time

How often you meet,

how often you talk,

how often you contact each other,

how much you can be silent,

how far apart you can be,

how much you can return

Distance appears there

Closer is not always better

Further away does not always mean the end

Contacting frequently is not the only form of sincerity

Remaining silent for a long time is not the only form of maturity

What is important is
not to fix the other person to the frequency you desire

With the current me,
with the current other person,
with each of our lives,
and within each of our margins,
finding a frequency that does not break too much

That is
the reconfiguration of a relationship

Sometimes,
there are relationships that remain without breaking
precisely because they have become more distant than before

Sometimes,
there are relationships where you can cherish the other person
precisely because you have reduced your words

Sometimes,
there is respect that can only be protected
by not meeting

I believe re-forming a relationship
is not carelessly simplifying this complex distance

Chapter 9

Even relationships that cannot be re-formed have a twilight

Not all relationships can be
reconnected.

In fact,
there are some relationships that are better left disconnected.

Relationships that wear you down the closer you get,

relationships where responsibility is never returned no matter how many times you talk,

relationships where silence is used as permission,

relationships where your kindness is treated as an infinite resource,

relationships that
repeatedly cross your boundaries.

There is no need to
force a reconnection with such relationships.

Reconnecting a relationship
does not necessarily mean getting close again.

Updating how you distance yourself
is also a form of reconnection.

Deciding not to meet anymore,

reducing contact,

avoiding deep conversations,

not expecting too much,

keeping your distance without making the other person the villain—

that, too,
is a reconfiguration of the relationship.

What is important
is not whether you get close or move away,

but not to possess the other person.

If you get close,
do so without possessing them.

If you move away,
do so without fixing them as an enemy.

If you speak,
speak with words that do not try to change them.

If you remain silent,
do so with a silence that does not punish them.

At that moment,
even if the relationship becomes thin,
it will not be carelessly destroyed.

Acknowledging that there are relationships that cannot be reconnected
is also, I believe, part of the attitude of cherishing relationships.

Chapter 10

The final phase is the last attitude toward a relationship nearing its end.

There is a saying,
"Do not tarnish your final phase."

In many cases,
this is spoken about the end of one's life.

However, I
do not think this saying is limited only to the end of life.

When leaving a job,

when distancing yourself from someone,

when you can no longer interact with someone you were close to
as you once did,

when you leave a certain place,

there, too,
exists a small final phase.

In other words,
relationships also have a final phase.

The final phase
is not just about old age.

It is the
last attitude toward a relationship nearing its end.

I believe its largest unit is life,
and its partial units are
human relationships,
work,
places,
roles,
and stories.

The final phase of life is
the end stage of the relationship between yourself and your life.

The final phase of a relationship is
the end stage of the relationship between yourself and that person.

The final phase of a role is
the end stage of the relationship between yourself and that role.

Therefore,
to not tarnish your final phase
means, I believe, not to treat a relationship nearing its end
carelessly at the very last moment.

Chapter 11

To tarnish is to break consistency.

Then,
what does it mean to tarnish?

I believe it is
to break consistency.

However,
breaking consistency is not the same as changing.
People change.

Values change.

Relationships change.

Distances change.

Therefore,

change itself is not a stain.
What becomes a stain is

betraying the lines you have upheld
for the sake of convenience.
A person who preached sincerity

uses the other person only at the very end.
A person who said they do not possess others

binds the other person the moment they are at a disadvantage.
A person who spoke of kindness

turns it into hatred the moment the other person leaves.
A person who cherished the past

pretends the past never existed to protect themselves.
This,

I believe, is what it means to tarnish.
To tarnish your final phase is not

to fail.
It is not the end of a relationship.

It is not to change.

It is to destroy by your own hand

the reason why you were trusted.
People

trust by observing the consistency of others.
This person

is someone who will not cross this line.
This person

is someone who will uphold this line even when it is painful.
This person

is someone who will not pretend everything never happened
even when it becomes inconvenient.
People call such predictability

trust.
That is why when a final phase is tarnished,

people are deeply hurt.
It is not just because they are hurt by the final event,

but because even their own past of having trusted that person

begins to look murky.

Chapter 12

The final phase before the end is consistency.

When a relationship is about to end,
people sometimes try to be a good person only at the very end.

Even though they treated the other person carelessly until then,
they are kind only at the end.

Even though they piled up lies until then,
they act as if they were sincere only at the end.

Even though they hurt the other person until then,
they try to stage a beautiful farewell only at the end.

However,
that is not reflection,
but can end up being a repair of one's own story.

By ending as a good person,
you want to believe that you were not that bad.

By giving something back to the other person,
you want to dilute the fact that you destroyed it.

However,
after you have done something irreparable,
you must not try to receive salvation from that person.

If you are truly going to give something back,
it is to not do the same thing to someone else.

Do not try to make yourself look clean
by using the person you destroyed.

That, too,
is the final phase before a relationship ends, I believe.

Chapter 13

The final phase after the end is boundaries.

Even after a relationship has ended,
there is a final phase.

If the final phase before the end is a matter of consistency,
the final phase after the end is a matter of boundaries.

A relationship that has once closed
must not be pried open again
due to past intimacy.

That you were once close,

that you were once special,

that there was once a time that cannot be put into words—

those may be facts.

However,
being a fact and
being something you can still use today are different.

Past intimacy
is not a permit to cross current boundaries.

Even if something happened between you and me,
that
does not become a right to bind the current you and the current me.

Rather,
the more important a relationship once was,
the more carefully it must be treated after it ends.

The moment you carelessly pry it open,
that relationship
becomes a tool for use rather than a memory.

If you are going to reconnect a relationship,
it cannot be an extension of the past,
but must start as a new form.

Not as the past intimacy of you and me,
but as each other's current standing;

not as a continuation of emotions,
but as a relationship within the necessary scope;

not as a resumption of lingering attachment,
but as a point of contact that respects boundaries.

There is coldness in that,

but
that coldness is not rejection.

It is a distance to avoid tarnishing the past.

People
sometimes have to decide on a distance precisely because feelings remain.
You do not draw a line because you have no feelings;

you draw a line

precisely because you have feelings.
For a relationship to end

does not mean to pretend everything never happened.
Rather,

it is to decide
not to use what happened anymore.
Precisely because it happened,

you do not use it.
Precisely because you were close,

you do not intrude.
Precisely because it was special,

you do not tarnish the current boundaries.
This

is the final phase after the end, I believe.

Final Chapter

Do not use the past while not denying it.

The self
is not something fixed.

However,
it is not fragmented either.

The power to continue to bind the ever-changing me
as still me—

that
is the consistency of the self, I believe.

Trust
is not praying that the other person will not change.

It is entrusting your own decisions
to the consistency that is upheld even while changing.

A relationship
is not something that ends once it is formed.

Every time it changes,
it is something where you measure the distance once again.

Do you get close?

Do you move away?

Do you speak?

Do you remain silent?

Do you wait?

Do you let go?

Do you meet again?

Do you protect it by not meeting anymore?

Each time,
the relationship is being reconnected.

And,
even relationships that cannot be reconnected
have a final phase.

Depending on how it ends,
the meaning up to that point changes.

Depending on the final behavior,
even the past can look murky.

That is precisely why
how you leave is not a final courtesy,

but a responsibility to the past.

It is okay if it does not end beautifully.

It is okay if you cannot be convinced.

It is okay if scars remain.

Even so,
not tarnishing with your own hands
what you have cherished—

that
is what it means not to tarnish the final phase of a relationship, I believe.

People
do not live on as the same self.

They live while reconnecting themselves.

People
do not live on in the same relationship.

While reconnecting relationships,
they stand in the world with someone.

And,
for things that absolutely cannot be reconnected,
you quietly draw a line.

Can you draw that line
not with hatred, but with moderation?
Can you maintain that distance

not with rejection, but with sincerity?
Therein
lies the maturity of a person.

Final Proposition

Consistency
is not about not changing.

It is about not betraying the lines you have upheld
for the sake of convenience
even after you have changed.

Trust
is taking responsibility for your own judgment
to decide to trust after touching the other person's consistency.

A relationship
is measuring the distance again
every time there is a change.

The final phase
is the last attitude toward a relationship nearing its end.

And true sincerity,
I believe, is not using the past
while not denying the past.

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