What I wanted was not 'conversation' but 'dialogue'

I can finally put it into words clearly. The thing I have been seeking ever since I was a child, and which I could never obtain no matter what.

That was 'dialogue'.

'Dialogue' is something that looks like 'conversation' but is fundamentally different. By clearly realizing this difference, I finally understood what I had been seeking.

Let me clarify the difference between 'conversation' and 'dialogue' here.

As written here, 'conversation' is achieved as long as both parties say what they are thinking for the time being.

'I heard that celebrity was having an affair.'
'Oh! But I was a fan!'

There is no specific goal to aim for in that act, and it is not a major problem even if the conversation is slightly off. Even if there are differences in quality, it is a low-difficulty form of communication that probably almost everyone can do.

Compared to that, 'dialogue' can be called a more advanced form of communication.

'Hey, my son says he doesn't want to go to school, what should I do? I think it might be okay to let him rest for a while and see how it goes.'
'I see, you're right, maybe his feelings will change if he rests for a while. But I'm worried about him falling behind in his studies.'
'Then, what should we do...?'

Like this, there is a clear goal of conveying one's own opinion so that the other person understands (which is already difficult), understanding the other person's opinion (which is even more difficult), and further creating new ideas from there to aim for the integration of each other's opinions (what a difficult challenge!!!). What a high-difficulty form of communication it is.

And 'dialogue' was the thing I had been desperately seeking since childhood, yet could never obtain.

The other day, this article of mine went viral on Threads, and I received many comments. While reading them, everything connected.

Why was I so hurt by the words, 'Sorry, I don't understand'?

Among the comments, there were favorable opinions such as 'It feels sincere' or 'Actually, it's better to be honest.' Even though it wasn't the right time in terms of TPO, I started to feel that there might be some personal reason why I was so hurt. Could it be related to the wounds of my childhood?


And then I understood.

I remembered that I had been told these words, 'I don't understand,' countless times since I was a child. Yes, this is connected to my Cassandra wounds.

Thinking about it now, my mother must have had ASD. She was very indifferent to me. Even when there were things I didn't understand or wanted to be taught, the answer was always 'I don't know' and nothing more. She would never think about it with me or look things up. It was a feeling of despair, like a door being slammed shut right in front of me.

Because I was a child, there were mountains of things I didn't understand about school or general common sense. (At that time, there was no internet, and since I was the eldest child, there were no other siblings to ask.) But my mother had already closed the door tightly, and I always had to think by myself. I was always anxious.

Even when I was bullied by seniors at school, when trouble occurred, or when I was molested, there was no word of support from my mother. I was always drifting alone in a sea of anxiety.

My husband was also a person who would say 'I don't know' and fall silent when it came to important situations. Childbirth, buying a house, the death of a relative, a sudden injury to a child, my son's school refusal, my husband's addiction. When you become a married couple, mountains of problems that must be discussed and solved emerge. But my husband's opinion was always 'I don't know' or 'I haven't thought about it.' My husband was also ASD.

And then there is that friend. When I reported my husband's sudden passing, she said, 'I don't understand.'

Yes, that friend is likely mildly ASD as well. My mother, my husband, and my friend were all people who could engage in 'conversation' but not 'dialogue'.

Since they can handle daily conversation without issue, you would never dream that they are incapable of 'dialogue.' Because 'dialogue' isn't usually necessary, it only comes to light when a problem or incident occurs and you have to solve it together. Or, when you suffer emotional damage like illness or bereavement and want someone to be there for you, you only notice the disconnect when they fail to provide that support. (Being there for someone's negative emotions is also a situation that requires high-level communication.)

ASD is a communication disorder, but the degree of its unevenness varies from person to person. It is even more so for those in the gray zone like my mother, husband, and friend, because it is not visible to others, which makes those close to them even more confused by their sudden cold responses.

Even though we can have fun conversations normally, when it comes to important moments, it feels like I'm being cut off completely. The shock of having a door slammed shut right in front of you is something you can't understand unless you've experienced it.

I have spent my whole life with people who absolutely could not engage in 'dialogue,' even though I have sought it so much. This is because I felt a sense of comfort and familiarity with that strange honesty and clumsiness that resembled my mother's. I had become accustomed to that place, no matter how lonely it was.

And I kept seeking something that could never be obtained in that place. I kept seeking 'dialogue' from people who were incapable of it. It was as nonsensical as asking a clerk at Bic Camera, 'Do you have any cute puppies?'

Ah, I finally realized. I was in the wrong place.

My wish is to connect with people. To have dialogue, to empathize, to be there for each other, to be loved, and to love.

To fulfill that wish, I had to go to where people with the ability to do so were. If I want 'dialogue,' I have to go to people who are capable of 'dialogue.' It was just that simple.

I have had more than enough of the Cassandra game of life, where I taste loneliness and despair because my heart doesn't connect in the wrong places.

From now on, I am moving to the next stage. I will live by connecting with people and enjoying love to the fullest.

For that reason, I needed to understand this now. I am grateful to everyone who gave me so many comments. Thank you very much.

(Postscript 2025.05)
By the way, this is my current way of thinking ↓