To those who could only work hard by blaming themselves
For a long time,
I have moved forward by blaming myself.
When I made a mistake,
I would think, "I should have been able to do better."
When things didn't go well,
I would think,
"I didn't try hard enough."
When someone seemed to be in a bad mood,
I would look back and think,
"Did I do something to upset them?"
That is how I always looked for the cause within myself.
I did this because I thought it was the best way to grow.
The harder people work, the harder they are on themselves.
The old me thought that blaming myself was a sign of ambition.
I believed that because I reflected, I could grow.
I believed that because I was strict, I could work hard.
But that was a mistake.
It was just a way to hurt myself.
You don't have to be so hard on yourself anymore.
It is okay to be kind to yourself.
If I go easy on myself, I'll fall apart.
I truly believed that.
That is why,
I would blame myself for even the slightest failure.
I would blame myself if I couldn't do something, even a little.
I would blame myself if I rested, even for a moment.
Looking back now,
I was constantly monitoring myself.
I was actually just afraid
There is something I realized at one point.
It wasn't that I wanted to grow.
In truth,
I was just afraid.
I'm afraid of failing again.
I'm afraid of being disliked.
I'm afraid of being thought of as incompetent at work.
I'm afraid of betraying expectations.
That is why,
I blamed myself first.
If I punished myself,
I felt like it would keep me from getting hurt.
Blaming yourself is the flip side of kindness
This is a point that is easily misunderstood.
People who blame themselves,
are actually often kind to others as well.
They don't want to be a burden to others.
They don't want to make others feel bad.
They want to be truly useful.
Because they think that way,
they try to carry everything on their own shoulders.
But,
kindness and self-sacrifice are different.
If you mix those up,
you will eventually suffer.
Blaming and reflecting are different
For a long time,
I didn't understand this difference.
Blaming,
and reflecting.
They seem similar, but they are completely different.
When you blame yourself,
you only look for reasons why you were at fault.
When you reflect,
you think about what to do next.
Blaming yourself makes you suffer.
Reflecting allows you to move forward.
Since I realized this difference,
I have felt a little more at ease.
It is okay to have days when you couldn't do anything.
The more serious you are,
the more you aim for perfection.
But,
since we are human, there are days when things don't go well.
There are days when you feel tired.
There are days when you don't want to do anything.
There are days when you fail.
And that is okay.
You don't have to judge your own worth,
just by looking at that one day.
Please try to imagine it for a moment.
If today,
you spent a little less time blaming yourself.
If,
you could say, "I did my best today."
If you could say that.
If,
instead of focusing on what you couldn't do,
you could look at what you did do.
Just a little more than now,
don't you think you could relax your shoulders?
I,
believe that recovery
starts from there.
It doesn't have to be a dramatic change.
First,
take a little break from fighting with yourself.
That alone is enough.
Finally,
if you are currently,
someone who can only do their best by blaming themselves.
That is not because you are weak.
On the contrary,
it is proof that you have worked this hard.
But,
you do not have to keep doing your best
in the same way forever.
Even without pushing yourself to the limit,
people can move forward.
That is what I believe.
And someday,
even on days when you fail,
even on days when things do not go well,
if you can laugh and say, "Well, some days are like that,"
then surely,
life will be much easier
than it is now.
Thank you for reading this far.
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