Turning Frustration into Future Energy
Yesterday was the final session of Kikaku Meshi 2023.
“It was us, the teachers, who were making him a poor student. If there were no assigned seats, if there were no homework, if there were no grades, he wouldn't be a poor student.”
I trembled. I nodded.
When I first heard it, that was all I felt.
But when I was alone, I thought about it. It was frustrating.
I woke up in the morning, remembered it, and seriously cried.
Because I couldn't say that with such conviction at school. Because I thought there was more I could have done at school.
I wrote that I cried every day last year, but
the pain of last year wasn't just because I was busier than I thought, or because of the gap between before and after becoming a teacher. It was painful because the children looked miserable because of me. Now, I think that just thinking it's 'my fault' might not be the whole story, either. But I was definitely lacking in ability.
And yet, before I knew it, I had lined up so many excuses. But those excuses were also my true feelings from the heart, and maybe that's why, even after hearing Hikaru-san's words, my decision to quit being a teacher didn't change.
But, Hikaru-san! I will keep moving forward until the day I can stand tall and teach P.E. in a place created by you. (I told you this directly, but) I'm not strong enough to keep myself disciplined, so I'll use this promise as energy. I feel like my goal has become very clear.
Thank you so much! Kikaku Meshi.