The True Nature of Darkness - From the poetry collection 'I'm Glad I Kept Laughing'

This is a piece included in my poetry collection, 'I'm Glad I Kept Laughing,' published in 2018.

When we hear the word 'darkness,' it feels scary and terrifying,
but I wrote this piece thinking that perhaps that isn't the case.
It is a bit long, but I would be happy if you could read it.

I feel like there is nothing I can do.
I feel like I am helpless.

I am at a loss.
I become afraid of being alone. I become afraid of being at home.
Without thinking, I open the window.
Everyone is going about their usual lives.

But I feel like I am different from them.
It is as if I am looking at another world...

Everyone looks happy. Everyone is laughing.
I feel a distance between them and myself.
I walk outside.
I pass by people living their usual lives.
I feel that distance between us even more.

The usual blue sky, the usual daytime.
The sun is shining down.
Yet, it doesn't feel bright.
It is as if a black filter is covering everything.

When the sun sets, I long for the sun.
I wish for morning to come quickly.
I am surrounded by darkness, a dark void as far as the eye can see.

Wherever I look, whatever I see,
it is pitch black, a world where color has been lost.
Even though it is summer, it feels like winter.
I feel like the sunlight is not reaching me at all.
My body trembles. My heart trembles.

Have my ears been blocked? I cannot hear any sound.
Even though people are talking right next to me.
I suppose we really do live in different worlds.

Even if I open my eyes, darkness. Even if I close my eyes, darkness.
From those eyes...
Only tears, just tears, spill out.
I immerse myself for a while in being a single point in the darkness.

From far away, I heard a voice calling out.
'Hey, help me. That wasn't the promise, was it?'

'Who is that? Who are you telling me to help in my current state?'
I opened my eyes in surprise, but there was no one there.

Then...
That voice began to tell an unbelievable story.
'I am Darkness.
Hey, why are you afraid of me?
Why do you move away from me no matter how close I get?'

I became furious at those words.
'Who do you think is responsible for me feeling this way?
Because you get close, I am suffering and in so much pain.'

Darkness also said angrily,
'It wasn't your soul that called me down from heaven?
I came down believing in you, but you aren't doing anything, are you?'

'What are you expecting from me right now?
What can I possibly do in my current state?'

'I am Darkness.
I was called by your soul.
Unless I am needed by a human soul, I am not permitted to descend into this world.
Like a kite, I am connected to you by an invisible string.
Unless you, who live in this world, stand up and take steps forward,
I cannot soar high into the sky.
When I soar high into the sky,
the string connecting you and me is designed to break.
I just want to return to heaven.
That is why, no matter how much you run away, I keep getting closer.'

'Even if you say such selfish things,
I don't have the power to send Darkness flying high into the sky.'

'No, you surely can do it.
Because your soul says you can.
There is no way you can't.'

'I can't.'
'You can.'
'I can't.'
'You can.'
Only the same words were exchanged, never meeting.

Tired of arguing, I reluctantly ask the darkness,
"Hey, what can I do to send you back to heaven?"

The darkness smiled broadly.
"It's simple. You just need to laugh like I do.
If you would just smile at me.
If the temperature of your heart rises, I will be warmed.
Just like air, warm things rise, you know.
So,
I want you to laugh, laugh, and warm your heart.
I want you to laugh, laugh, and raise the temperature of your heart.
If you feel like giving up halfway,
remember me.
Remember that I will be sad."

I started to feel a bit strange.
To think I would do something for the darkness that had been tormenting me.
Besides, who could ever imagine that darkness itself was suffering?

The things I had been desperately struggling with until now started to feel ridiculous.
The tightness in my heart, which had been strained for so long, began to loosen.

I don't know if this story is true or a lie,
but I thought I would lend a hand for the sake of the darkness.
Even though I hadn't wanted to do anything at all, strength began to well up.
I felt strange again.
I realized that I still had strength left.

"Hehehe, chortle, hahaha."
For some reason, it was so funny, so funny, that I started laughing while holding my stomach.
"Guffaw, guffaw, wahahaha."

Then, strangely enough,
even though I had only been able to see black, I started to see various colors.
Red, orange, yellow, green.
"Wow, colors really are beautiful, aren't they?"

I started to feel excited.
Then, all at once, I began to hear various sounds.
The light chirping of birds, the clear sound of a flowing river.

My skin felt something.
It was the wind!
The wind carried a sweet, fragrant scent from the beautifully colored flowers.

"What a wonderful scent."
My heart is getting hot.
My heart is getting so hot, it feels like it might melt.

I look up at the sky.
The sunlight shone in seven colors, and it was dazzling.
A blue sky that was clear as far as the eye could see.
Clouds were drifting by, looking so comfortable and fluffy.

"Ah, how wonderful this feels.
Ah, living is just a series of wonders, isn't it?
The blue sky, the sun,
the chirping of birds, the murmuring of the river.
They have always been right by my side, haven't they?
I just couldn't see them, I couldn't hear them."

Important things are always right by our side, even if we don't go looking for them, aren't they?
It's just that we don't try to see them.
Because it wants us to feel their importance,
the darkness just hides them for a moment, doesn't it?
That's what the darkness was there for, wasn't it?
The darkness wasn't bad.
The darkness was just there
to help us find what is important.

"Alright, Darkness-san,
I'm going to send you back to heaven now."
I said that and looked back at the darkness.
In front of me, behind me, and to my sides, everything had become bright.

The darkness is gone...

At that moment, something white fell from the sky.

Something fluttering down.
It was...
A small, pure white angel's feather.