Friends

I don't have anyone I can call a friend.

That said, it's not like I had a lonely youth, either...

It's true that when I was in elementary and junior high school, I couldn't fit in and didn't have friends, but I spent my high school and junior college years happily.

However, excluding friends I keep in touch with once every few years, I don't have any friends I associate with now.

There is one person I keep in touch with regularly, even if it's only once a year, but unfortunately, she has changed since she had children...

It's unavoidable since she's raising a child.

Because of that, I only contact her once a year or when something happens, rather than meeting up.

When we meet, I only notice how much she has changed from the past, which makes me sad.

Maybe it's just me who is strange for getting older without having children.

It's natural for people to change as their living environment changes and they get older.

I go to great lengths for friends I truly want to cherish.

When a friend is going through a hard time, I will take time off work to go see them and worry about them.

But I have never had a friend do that for me.

Perhaps it's because I don't tell my friends anything even when I'm struggling, but I don't have any friends who would travel far at their own expense to see me if I suddenly complained, let alone take time off work to accommodate my schedule.

It's always me who initiates meeting up, and I just accommodate their schedule.

I suppose I am selfish.

That is why I don't have anyone I can call a friend.

I hear that having friends enriches your life, but if I have to be considerate or hang out with people I can't relax with, I choose to be alone.

I don't think about trying to force myself to make new friends at this age, and I think it's fine not to have any.

However, when I watch YouTube or TV, there are many episodes where I think it would be nice to have a friend like that.

I have not been blessed with friends, but that is likely my own fault.

They say birds of a feather flock together, but perhaps I am unable to maintain friendships without resorting to pretense.

I have become a disagreeable adult.

I feel envious of others or dislike myself when I compare myself to someone else.

If there is no one to compare myself to, that does not happen.

Is it a lonely life?

I have no need for superficial human relationships.

I made a few people who seemed like friends after becoming an adult, but I had terrible partings with all of them.

That may be why I am resistant to making friends.

I am who I am.

It is sad, but I do not feel that a friend with whom I can be my true, authentic self will appear in the future.

I will live my life as myself.