The Realistic Daily Life of an International Marriage

My husband is American.

Since I have only ever been married to an American, this life is normal to me. However, when I talk to my Japanese friends, there are several things that surprise them or that they find unusual. I realize that by Japanese standards, it is not normal.

Today, I will reveal the daily life of an international marriage.

Breakfast

Preparing breakfast is my husband's role. I am in charge of preparing the children's bento boxes.

By the way, even on weekends when bento boxes aren't needed, my husband makes breakfast. As for how this came to be, it goes back to when we first got married. My husband felt strongly uncomfortable with me serving leftovers from the previous night's dinner for breakfast. In Japan, it's not that strange to eat leftover curry rice or okonomiyaki in the morning, is it?

However, my husband thinks, "it's not that anything goes for breakfast," and he seems to want to eat things like toast or scrambled eggs. So, from that time on, he decided to make his own breakfast. Even after eight years, that resolve has not wavered.

Dinner

Dinner is basically made by me, but my husband makes it two or three times a week. We do not view cooking as a task for which one person bears full responsibility, but rather as a task that we share equally.

Therefore, even on days when I am the primary cook, if my husband's work schedule allows, we often cook together. We might divide the work, such as me making the main dish and him making the side dish.

He is a wonderful husband, but that is not what I want to say. Actually, behind that, there are circumstances unique to an international marriage.

On days when I am the primary cook, I usually make Japanese food. White rice, miso soup, and grilled fish for the main dish. I also mix in Chinese or Korean dishes, but basically, it is Asian-style food. It is seasoned with soy sauce and mirin. Even after living abroad for a long time, I cannot let go of the flavors I have become accustomed to.

In the same way, my husband also has flavors that his palate is accustomed to. My husband can eat anything Japanese except for simmered dishes and natto, but he says he can't handle soy sauce and mirin every single day. I understand that feeling.

That is why my husband also makes what he wants to eat. The dining table of an international marriage household is a small society that respects different cultures.

Laundry

Since we got married, I have never once washed my husband's clothes. My husband washes them himself. I wouldn't mind doing it for him, but since he says, "I'll do it myself," I don't dare take that job away from him.

My husband lived alone for a long time, so it seems he has a sense that it is natural to wash his own laundry. Also, in America, people don't hang laundry outside and use dryers instead, so the fact that he can save the trouble of hanging it up might be a factor that lowers the hurdle for him to do it himself.

Relationship with in-laws

Worries about relationships with in-laws occur not only in Japan but everywhere, throughout history and across the globe. I sometimes hear stories of hardship from my American friends as well. My own mother was one of those who struggled for many years.

As for my situation, to conclude, in a good way, nothing is expected of me.

When my in-laws came to visit shortly after we were married, I assumed I would be responsible for preparing all the meals, so I consulted my husband about the menu. He looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "You don't have to do anything".

Growing up, I always saw my mother busy running around whenever my paternal grandparents were over. Having been raised watching that, being told I didn't have to do anything caught me off guard. But it turns out, I really didn't have to do anything.

Of course, I would tidy up the house or prepare sheets and towels. But the expectations placed on me as a so-called 'daughter-in-law' were zero. When my in-laws visit, my husband cooks or we eat out. I just chat happily and get thanked for it. When I told my mother back home about this, she was speechless.

This is less about it being 'America' and more about the fact that my husband's parents are just very kind people. I must be grateful.

By the way, until very recently, I called my mother-in-law 'Mom'. Since she told me to call her whatever I liked, I explained Japanese customs to her and used that title. Apparently, this is something that feels very strange in an American context. My husband kept telling me it was weird, so in our eighth year of marriage, I started calling my mother-in-law by her first name. This feels incredibly awkward for me. I still get a little nervous every time before I address her.

Conclusion

This article ended up exposing a lot of my daily life. That wasn't my intention. It's a bit embarrassing.

An international marriage is a daily cross-cultural exchange.

[Postscript]

Earlier, my husband asked me what theme I wrote about today, and I gave him a brief summary of this article. As a result, I discovered two misconceptions I had. The following are my husband's comments.

So, it has been decided that I will make breakfast on Sunday mornings. And, the fact that I am simply not trusted with the laundry has come to light.

Even for a couple that sees each other every day, it is important to intentionally put your thoughts into words and talk about them.

Thank you for reading this far.
I am also on X. I would be happy if you connected with me.https://twitter.com/Matsumura_us