Is it even possible to treat children 'equally'?

One day, my daughter suddenly said this to me.

"Mom, do you like XX (my son) more than me?"

I froze at those words, thrown at me so abruptly. What on earth was she saying?

I looked my daughter straight in the eye and answered.

"I love you and XX (my son) both so much. I can't rank you as first or second."

I felt deeply that this was the kind of conversation that should not be treated lightly.

"But why did you think that?"

When I asked, my daughter answered with a dejected look.

"Because Mom spends more time with XX (my son) than with me"

Is that so? I couldn't immediately tell if that was true or not.

However, children are sensitive to things that might seem trivial to adults, and they think about them very hard in their own way.

In our house, before the children go to bed, my husband reads to them one by one. During that time, I spend time chatting with the child who isn't currently being read to.

My daughter was talking about that time. She felt I was spending more time with my son.

Needless to say, both my daughter and my son are one-of-a-kind beings to me. I cannot deny that because of my expectations and wishes, I sometimes become complicated or put pressure on them. But my love for my children is unconditional. I can say that with confidence.

On the other hand, every child is different. Even though they came from the same womb, my daughter and son have completely different personalities, tastes, strengths, weaknesses, and favorite games.

And even though they are my children, they are independent human beings. Just as in general human relationships, how you interact changes depending on the person. Human relationships are interactive. That is the same even in my relationship with my own children.

For example, regarding how we spend that time before bed.

My son expresses affection by being close to others. He likes to hug, have his back gently stroked, or crawl into bed together.

That is why, when I am with my son, I often hug him or lie down next to him in bed to talk. That is what he wants from me during that time, and it is the communication that is repeated daily in the relationship between my son and me.

On the other hand, my daughter shows affection by making the other person feel special. She says "I love you," writes letters, or focuses her attention and interest on one thing. She does this herself and also expects it from others.

At the same time, she also has a side that likes to retreat into her own world alone. Writing in her diary or reading books quietly.

So, my time with my daughter involves playing pretend, doing yoga, or reading books together. But, quite often, there are times when she spends time doing things on her own.

Certainly, in terms of time spent in close proximity, I might spend more with my son. But that is not something I have chosen to do; it is deeply related to the individual personalities of my son and daughter.

Furthermore, as is the fate of a second child, my daughter has had a powerful rival in her older brother since the day she was born. She is always conscious of his presence. Her recent comment about which one of them I like more must surely be influenced by a subconscious desire not to lose to her brother.

However, regardless of the reality, the problem is that my daughter herself feels that the love she receives from me is less than what is given to my son.

The fact that she has a strong tendency to try to get my or my husband's attention on a regular basis might also be an expression of her desire to receive more love.

That said, I don't think the correct approach is to treat her exactly the same way I treat my son. I don't have a clear answer myself, but there is one strategy I arrived at while talking with my husband.

That is to create time for just the two of us, my daughter and me.

Not just five or ten minutes before bed, but a more substantial amount of time. Rather than focusing on what we do during that time, it's about fulfilling that sense of being "special" for her. Letting her have my undivided attention and interest. Letting her soak in love to her heart's content. Like a bath, rather than a shower.

I don't know if that will work.

My trial and error as a parent continues today.

(The End)

Thank you for reading.

《On the endless worries of parenting》