Sometimes I waver between believing and not believing
My son is reluctant to go to his lessons.
I, as a parent, insist that once he has decided to do something, he must do it even on days he doesn't feel like it.
Every week on the same day, we repeat this tug-of-war between parent and child.
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Recently, my son has started to show reluctance about going to his jiu-jitsu class.
It has been a little over a year since he started jiu-jitsu. His belt color has been promoted from white to gray. While he has always shown motivation when there is a tournament, he doesn't seem to have the same passion for regular practice as he used to.
“I don't want to go today.”
There have been several days in a row where he has looked gloomy saying that.
Basically, unless there is a valid reason, I make him go even if he doesn't want to. I have decided not to let him skip just because of his mood of “not wanting to go.”
For his lessons, we have set times to review whether he will continue or not. Once he decides to continue, he is not allowed to quit halfway through for a certain period. It’s what you call a commitment. The review timing depends on the activity, but it’s usually about six months.
There is always a reason behind “I don't want to go.” I have listened to him many times to try and find it. As of now, these are the reasons I understand.
・Because the class size has grown, the wait time until it’s his turn is long and boring.
・There are some children who don't follow the teacher's instructions. It doesn't sit right with him that he gets scolded along with them even though he is doing it properly.
・The level of those around him has also risen, and the practice has become harder.
・Jiu-jitsu class is in the evening, and he is already tired.
Even if you start something because you like it, the intensity of that passion can rise and fall. I understand that.
The fact that the class size has become too large is something that parents have also voiced concerns about, wanting something to be done. The school has been responding by splitting classes according to level or increasing the number of coaches. I think it has improved a little compared to before.
However, there is nothing I can do about the behavior or attitude of other children. Even if there are people who disrupt the order, how one acts within that situation is up to them. I tell my son that he must focus on himself above all else.
Today was a day for class, but my son was reluctant to go again.
“...Do I really have to go?”
He was riding his bike energetically when he got home from school, but when it was time to change into his gi and get in the car, his voice suddenly became weak.
“What’s wrong?”
“I feel kind of cold. And I think I’m tired.”
You were fine just a moment ago, weren't you? You even had a snack, right?
I understood that he was covered in his usual negative mood of “not wanting to go,” so I put him in the car for the time being. Since we were going to be late for class, I hurried and drove to the dojo.
When I urged my son to get out of the car in the parking lot, he was slumped over listlessly in the back seat.
"I don't feel well. My stomach hurts a little, too."
He muttered, moving his mouth with the minimum volume required to make a sound. He was giving off an air as if he might have some terrible illness.
I stared at him intently. I was skeptical.
That was because I had let him skip class once last week, too. At that time, it seemed something had happened at school that wore him down. He had cried and protested that he didn't want to go anywhere today. Since my son had properly explained why he didn't want to go and promised to go properly next week, I decided it was okay to let him skip just once.
I had been feeling that his desire not to go had been growing lately, so I had a feeling he might be searching for any excuse not to go.
"Look me in the eye and tell me. Are you really not feeling well?"
I peered intently into my son's eyes. My son looked back at me and nodded.
"All right. Then let's go home today."
I turned back the way we came and returned home.
Was this the right thing to do? Am I being too soft?
On the way home, I couldn't feel confident in my decision.
When we got home, my son went straight to his room and crawled into bed. He didn't come out for a while, so when I went to check on him, his body was hot.
When I took his temperature, it was over 39 degrees. His cheeks were flushed and pink.
Ah, so that's what it was. I'm sorry, son. You really were feeling unwell. I'm sorry I didn't believe you right away.
Above all, I was glad I didn't force him into his jiu-jitsu class.
But..., I thought.
It's always difficult to see through a child's truth.
Just because I'm a parent doesn't mean I can understand my child's condition as if it were my own. Even when my son said he wasn't feeling well earlier, he had been playing basketball and riding his bike just a little while before that, and he had eaten a good snack before we left. It was hard to imagine that he would suddenly feel so unwell, let alone develop a fever.
Besides, as children grow, they become more shrewd. They rack their brains and challenge their parents to figure out how to get their own way. It's not just about whether or not to go to lessons. They are repeating that test in every situation.
Even so, you have to do what you need to do. I want to teach that. I don't want them to think they can easily get away with things.
That is precisely why I sometimes waver between believing and not believing.
Thank you for reading.
《Article on Child-rearing》